The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3 Night 2

Last night started off where Monday night’s episode left off with Juelia confronting Samantha about how Joe hurt her. However, it didn’t go as Juelia planned…

Juelia: You don’t understand Samantha, he like played me and hurt me.
Samantha: Okay but he’s not going to do that to me because I’m like, wayyyy hotter than you. Is Joe in the pool? Yeah? Okay I gotta go. This was fun let’s do it again sometime.

Since Samantha literally didn’t give a shit about Joe’s shady character everyone went crazy. THEY CLEARLY HUNG OUT BEFORE PARADISE! SAMANTHA WAS IN ON IT! THE WIDOW NEVER HAD A CHANCE!! BRING OUT THE LASERS!!!

Samantha in her interview:
“Nothing’s weird! I clearly don’t give a shit about my relationship with Juelia and I’d rather just get laid on vacay. What don’t you guys get?”

When the boys go to confront Joe, Samantha steps in and then kicks the camera crew out. Then they start talking strategy about who will tell what story. However, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dick don’t realize their mics are on and that they left the door wide open.

Also, I think that was the first conversation Joe and Samantha had that wasn’t between blowjob jaw stretching breaks.

On another note, does anyone else not think that Tanner sort of looks exactly like Jade?

Meanwhile there’s other drama in the house with one of our fave Ashley’s, Ashley S. (Ashley I don’t worry we love you too.) Dan broke up with Ashley S last night and she’s really mad because she’s here for him. Then Amber shows up and asks Dan on a date. He asks Ashley to chat first because he’s not like the evil Joe. 

Dan: So I wanna go out with Amber.
Ashley: You’re being a gentleman right now and it’s really fucking rude. Like don’t be nice to me. But also, why didn’t you speak to me today?! I HAD TO SPEAK TO THE PARROTS ALL MORNING DAN.

Side note, does Ashley ever take her headband off? Is there an acid strip on there or something?

Ashley S on the new girl who asks Dan out: I can’t believe it’s Amber!! She literally makes me smile.

Then we get to check in with Jade, who talks about her feelings with as much fervor as one would deciding between mild and medium guacamole.
I think Tanner is nice. I might be falling in love. Pass the Tostitos.

Omg Megan shows up and who does she ask on her date? JJ! Perfect match. 

Megan: if it turns out to be a really good date you never know he could be motor boating me 
JJ: Even though we’re different intellectually, her eyes are beautiful, and so are her boobs.
… At least they’re on the same page.

Megan: this is the quickest I’ve ever been wet on a first date. — Can you not Megan?

Back at the house, both Joe/Samantha and Ashley S drama is still going on. However they’re handling it quite differently.

While Joe and Samantha choose to parade their lust in front of everyone in the ocean by like, hanging on to each other and falling over and then continuing to hanging on to each other … ( I think they thought this was swimming)… Ashley is confiding in her real friends, the birds.

The best part about this is that the producers have to try really hard to edit Clare speaking to a raccoon but Ashley S is speaking to the birds and crabs for real. No you’re my best friend. No YOU!!

The rest of the girls and guys had some great things to say about the island animal whisperer:

Ashley I.: it makes sense Ashley S. can communicate with the crabs better than the humans

Kirk: When I look at Ashley’s eyes I feel like it’s just something empty back there.

Sidenote: I have nothing to say about Dan and Amber’s date except that it was boring and who ARE Amber and Dan!?

Amber: I’ve had a little crush on Dan since Desiree’s season. — Um that was like 9 years ago. That’s sad.

Amber: I have a confession to make. When we were watching your season I put stars next to the guys I liked. So I wrote…double star…will give BJ on first date star.

Amber: At dinner with Dan I completely forgot about Ashley! – that’s def what you want to hear your friend say.

Meanwhile back at the house….

“What are you doing? Are you in the FBI? Are you undercover?” – Ashley S to the crabs.

And now we’re back to the Joe Samantha drama, but this time JJ steps in.

“I really like Juelia, I really respect her. She’s a girl.” – JJ, Huh?

Joe gets really defensive during this encounter, while JJ is on the offense and Jared is just a huge pussy.

“The truth is.. Who’s to decide who I am here for? That’s …myself and whoever decides me.” – Actual quote by Joe.  

JJ: You actually told people to their face you didn’t speak before Paradise
Joe: Who? Who did I say this to?
Jared: Youuuu mayyy have said this to me…maybe. But maybe you didn’t. IDK I’m just here tryina be the cool guy, non confrontational guy, the sidelines guy, here to keep the peace!! Yeah bro!

JJ: My brothers smarter than you.
Joe: Well my sister is smarter than you! And she’s also my wife! So that’s doubly insulting!

JJ: Well now we’re getting into sam-antics – LOL, GOOD ONE JJ.

Joe: But Jared did the same thing
Jared: It’s different Jared didn’t do the SAME thing.

But really, if you found each other why don’t you just leave. Stop taking away the rose from people who haven’t found others….Joe’s (and my) answer to that would probably be… because like, free vacay.

I officially love JJ right now.
“I’m gonna make him the hillbilly that he fucking is because he is gonna go home with 4 missing teeth.”


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