We are literally devastated here at Betches HQ. Why did Lauren have to leave? Why Chris Harrison, WHYYYY? Who is going to tell Ashley her outfits don’t match or that she is too sweaty all the time? Who will replace her as the relatable one and talk about how much they hate other people? We feel abandoned.
But obvi, before she left, she had some amazing things to say like “I can’t be around people that much,” and “this is my personal hell, I’m hot, and I’m around people 24/7.” Same Lauren, same.
We also found out that Lauren is a self proclaimed mistress of a guy she’s seeing back home who will probably kill her when he sees this show. Also, she DEF went on to make him jeal. Fail.
Clare: First of all, why would you call yourself a mistress? That’s awkward.
Ashley on Lauren: She’s like the chilliest girlfriend a guy can have. Obviously, she’ll let the guy have another girlfriend.
But before Lauren, the girl who, like her sister, brings a suitcase of makeup to Paradise, leaves, she takes one last chance at love… with Joshua, the WELDER. It was very surprising when this did not work out.
Lauren: I hope I’m repulsed by him. It will make things a lot easier. — SHE IS SO REAL
Honestly, at first I was like who the fuck is Joshua? Then when I saw him I was like, why would anyone WISH Joshua would show up.
When she doesn’t get picked on Josh-UA’s date… “what a fun day.”
Upset that Josh-UA chose Tenley over her, Lauren became extremely upset and started hysterically crying.
Ashley: Come over here Lauren, sit on my lap.
Lauren: Do you have any Xanax?
Lauren throwing a shit fit about leaving is like me when someone suggested we stay in a hostel abroad. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME STAY!!!!
Lauren: I love being a mistress. I actually get to talk to guys.
Ashley: You’ll always be NUMBER 2! WHO DOES NUMBER 2 WORK FOR!?
Lauren crying and blowing her nose… “There are so many boogers in there that you can’t even get out, ya know?”
Side note: Lauren totally looks like a prettier Ashley Tisdale, right?
Is no one going to help Lauren with her luggage? Where’s she even going with it? Walking to the border?
Tenley is attracted to Josh-UA because he studied theater. She clearly doesn’t know the difference between hot and huge red flag.
Honestly, humidity does not do amazing things for a lot of people on this show.
Anyone else see Mikey’s mini ponytail? Then again Clare did mention she was into guys who looked like Pebbles Flintstone.
JJ then proceeds to go on a serious rant about the Tenley Josh-UA situation…
Why the hell does Tenley like me? Poor girl.
I’ve never seen a Disney princess movie where the blacksmith gets the girl. – Um I’ve never seen a Disney princess movie where a former finance divorced bro with a fugly sleeve tattoo gets the girl either, JJ.
Joshua… a catch? Like, sure you CAUGHT him, but like, he’s also like the scum floating at the top [or some other fishing / ocean reference I didn’t quite hear correctly]
When that teaspoon of wit and humor runs out, Tenley will realize she should give the rose to me.
I’m playing chess, Joshua is playing tic tac toe.
There’s a reason that Josh doesn’t have sex that often and that is because he can’t afford prostitutes like I can.
Omg then Joe shows up and can’t read his date card.
Joe: Joe, p-p-p-lease choose a girl to ride hoses with you.
Cast: Joe that says horses.
Then he acts like a super dick to everyone and it’s hysterical.
Joe: Clare, you’ve been here like, 100 times right? Where’s the bathroom?
Carly: This is so awkward.
Can these producers like, stop with the Clare goes outside to talk to raccoons bit when we know she’s talking to a producer. It’s not funny and also raccoons are gross.
Jonathan, very casually: I hope that Joe falls off the horse and breaks his leg.
Finally, Tenley and Josh-UA go on their date together.
Tenley: OMG tell me everything about your theater career.
Joshua: I did theater in high school…and then in college.
Tenley: I did Tokyo Disney.
Joshua: So you were Chinese Jasmine?
Tenley: I’M HAVING SUCH A GREAT TIME ON THIS DATE! – obvi you are, you’re the only one speaking.
Meanwhile back at the house, Joe tries to find someone to go on his date with “menata.”
Joe: Does anyone here want to go horseback riding?
Juelia: I do! I do!
Joe: Does anyone ELSE here want to go horseback riding?
The next day at the pool, Josh-UA lets it out that he’s really into doing molly. The house is not impressed.
Ashley: I think we’re all worried about Joshua’s lifestyle. He’s a welder…from Idaho…that does molly?
Ashley: After all, Molly is a HALLUCINOGEN – nope, no it’s not.
You guys are on a show where you fuck each other on national TV for a flower. Let’s chill with the judgment about Josh’s recreational Molly habit.
Jade clammed up when Joshua was talking about Molly? SHE WAS IN A PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD. Calm down Mother Teresa.
Mikey to Tenley: I feel like your brother. – Didn’t you guys JUST meet?
Also amazing is the fact that Kirk and Carly are the house yentas and narrators.
Kirk: Joe and Juelia are probably going to have just an okay time.
Carly: Yeah, it’s up to Joe to make sure she has a good time
Kirk: I mean Juelia is the real deal. You can’t just throw her around.
Carly: Omg, yeah I KNOW.
Juelia about her 2-year-old daughter: She’s really independent like me
Joe’s eyes just like seriously crossed while giving his “ I really respect you” speech to Julz
Tenley then decides to confront Josh-UA about his drug habits.
Tenley: some people are talking about your lifestyle. With the molly.
Joshua: I’ve only done it once.
Be cool about the molly thing Tenley. Don’t be all like, uncool.
At the end of this episode, Dan overhears that Clare is not that into his good friend Mikey and decides to tell him.
Dan: So Clare told everyone she hates you.
Mikey: So you’re saying there’s a chance?
Kirk, narrator #1: Mikey’s perception of reality is really skewed.
Can Clare like, not wear a shirt that says beet lemon kale apple. If you’re going to be a pretentious juice lover at least do it in style.
Ashley I for the win, peeing in the ocean when on reality TV.
JOE what a douche.
Producer: How was the kiss?
Joe: Not very good
Producer: So what’s your plan
Joe: I’m going to accept the rose and if Samantha shows up, give mine to her.
Producer: You should tell Juelia all of this
Joe: ::farts loudly::
“Jared is my dream man” says Ashley, who has like never spoken to him.
Then her dream man asks Clare out on a date.
Ashley: why would a 26 year old want to go out with a 34 year old HER EGGS ARE ALMOST DEAD.
But also, Clare you’re 34? Why are you on the Bachelor in Paradise?
Me: What the fuck is going on with Juelia’s hair?
The people on the show: OMG JUELIA YOUR HAIR LOOKS SO GOOD. Beachy!!
What is that weird stain on Mikey’s bed? Ew.
Mikey to Jared: You wanna date a girl 8 years older than you? That’s your prerogative. DO YOU WANT TO FUCK SOMEONES GRANDMA JARED, DO YOU!?
Tune in “menata” for a recap of tonight’s Week 2 Part 2 episode!