The Best 'Bachelor In Paradise' Recap You'll Ever Read: A Goose Gets Married

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Hello, friends! We are back for another night in Paradise, and I think we’re in for a real treat. Tonight, Krystal “Baby Voice” Nielson and a man inexplicably nicknamed “Goose” are going to legally bind themselves together for the next 135 days life. And they’ve decided there’s no better place to do it than the quaint Mexican town where two metrosexuals recently fought over a piñata, a grown man sh*t his pants, and consent is murky at best. Isn’t it romantic?! But, before we get to these precious moments, we must watch Dean rip Caelynn’s heart out with his bare hands and use it as an eco-friendly way to power his van. Let’s do this!

We open immediately after the rose ceremony, the camera zooming in on the silent scream behind Dean’s beautiful blue eyes. He pulls Caelynn aside to again tell her that he came on a show where the goal is to get engaged to f*ck around and steal some soap. He says he thinks she’s an amazing person, but that he could never get to that serious place with her and he is going home. Do we call it a “home” if it’s a ShopRite parking lot? He also says she deserves someone better than him, and this is the only time I have ever agreed with him.

Caelynn: I thought you wanted to try
Dean then sends himself home, and production puts him in a van that is nicer than the one he owns. He asks the driver how much this baby set him back, because he’s in the market for a vacation home! If only he could find space to park it, but unfortunately the beachside McDonald’s parking lot is all filled up. Damn.

The next day, JPJ’s sanity is slowly slipping away from him. He sobs to Blake about how he loves Tayshia and says he has been looking for his wife since he was 18. Well now I just don’t believe you, John Paul. Maybe you’ve been looking for the perfect ratio of vodka to Red Bull since you were 18. But a wife? I don’t buy it. No one is trying to get wifed up in the frat house, babe.

Blake is actually the perfect person to comfort JPJ right now. He just remembers what his Mommy has done for him and does the same thing. The fact that that his solution is shirtless hugging makes me a little concerned for his home life, but whatever works I guess.

Tayshia finds a box, and I’m hoping it contains Dean’s head, as a gift for Caelynn. Unfortunately, it just contains an invite to Krystal and Goose’s wedding. That’s an awfully big box for a tiny invitation. Are we certain there’s not a head in there? Double check pls.

Clay is getting nervous about the wedding because his ex-girlfriend Angela (perhaps you’ve heard them mention her) is going to be a bridesmaid. You’ll be fine, Clay. Just take advantage of the open bar, drink until you blackout, and then if you do something embarrassing or, say, spend the reception crying to the bride’s aunt outside the bathroom, you won’t even remember! This suggestion is obviously hypothetical and clearly not based on anything that happened to me on June 20, 2017 at 10:31 PM. Got it?

It’s time for the wedding! Everyone that shows up looks very nice, and then we have the motley crew from this season’s cast of Paradise, who look like production didn’t provide them with washing machines before the big event, and they had to dig out the last semi-clean outfit from their suitcase.

It’s a wedding, so naturally Caelynn is bringing everyone down with her sad stories about how Dean, a man she knew for three days and whose style is best described as  “homeless chic,” dumped her. God, Caelynn, loosen up.

Then, in walks Connor, and Caelynn is immediately over it and on the hunt. That’s the spirit! Connor looks cute. I mean, he looks like he just flew in from his 8th grade graduation, but still cute.

As we get closer to the wedding, JPJ gets saltier and saltier. Waiting for the bride to emerge, he tells Tayshia that he doesn’t think Derek is the person for her. When she tells him she likes both of them, JPJ’s grip on reality becomes even more tenuous and he starts to look like the crazy person I always accidentally sit next to on the subway, rocking back and forth, stewing in his rage, just waiting for the opportunity to shoot everyone.

Lolol Clay when Angela walks out:

Krystal walks out and she looks gorgeous. I hope she doesn’t ruin this with her breathy baby sex voice. Maybe they won’t let her talk. Fingers crossed!

Chris Harrison is officiating, but not before checking his phone to make sure Goose’s direct deposit hit his account.

Okay what is this smudge pot thing? I mean, if it’s helping purify this place of all the STD swapping that goes on, I’m all for it.

OH GOD. They wrote their own vows. Thankfully, Krystal is using a normal voice. I have heard the names Wayne and Chucky way too many times during this ceremony but no one said the name Goose, so at least I won’t have to kill myself.

There’s not much else to say about that. It’s a wedding, she wore white, they kissed at the end, the single people wore tight smiles on their faces to hide their desperation and sadness, yada, yada, yada.

I love that they’re catching all the wedding gossip right now. Apparently Angela lost a ton of weight, good for her, she looks great. But,  I don’t remember her ever being much bigger than this? Ashley is HARSH.

JPJ is now on a rampage, sh*tting on Derek to Katie. He tells her that Derek has reached out to fans and taken advantage of them sexually. OMG YES. Spill it, JPJ! Show me the receipts! JPJ continues to harp on the point that Derek told him he could use his “fame” from this show to f*ck followers.OF COURSE HE DOES, JPJ. And don’t act like you won’t either! That hair is going to do wonders for your game.

JPJ pulls Derek aside and basically steamrolls over him. Derek tries to get a word in edgewise but JPJ is having none of it.

JPJ: Don’t insult my intelligence
Also JPJ:

Wait. Now JPJ says he is 24 and he has been looking for his wife for 18 years. The math doesn’t track here, pal. At six years old you were still looking for the closest bathroom so you didn’t wet your pants. I’m sorry if I just insulted your intelligence.

Chris then gathers up the trash from the beach, calling them over to him. The troublemakers are terrified.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t want to shame them, he just wants to tell them to look at his relationship with Krystal for inspiration. Lol, k. Come back to me when you’ve been married for more than 17 minutes, sweetie.

Then they do this weird thing where they only invite some of the Paradise people to the reception? What, ABC couldn’t spring for enough tables? I’m so confused. I guess they are using Chris and Krystal’s wedding to create drama? SO THIS ISN’T JUST ABOUT TRUE LOVE, ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME? I feel lied to.

Okay, does anyone else find it weird that Angela, someone Krystal met A YEAR AGO, is her maid of honor and giving a speech at her wedding?!?! Did these people not have friends before going on this show? Actually, I’d believe that, nvm.

Naturally, Blake is making this wedding all about him. He is happy for Chris and Krystal, but sad for himself because he “doesn’t have anyone.” He’s also sad he had to “go stag” to this wedding, and he really wishes he could have brought a date because he would like his mommy’s shoulder to cry on. Oh wait, I take it back. He’s found plenty of shoulders to cry on. Like Kristina. And Chase. And Kevin.

And Astrid, who hilariously tells him to go home. I wish someone would be so kind as to do that for me when I drink too much. But no, they just love it when I leave my card at Papaya Dog so they keep those drinks coming. So funny, guys!

Kristina tells Connor she wishes he had come to Paradise, and then Caelynn starts acting like this is Paradise and asks Connor to go chat. This is a wedding, Caelynn! You don’t have to say “can I steal you for a sec?” at all social gatherings. What has this show done to you? *shudders*

Caelynn and Connor hold hands and make out. I hope she checked his license for his birthday.

Does anyone else think this wedding looks dullsville? Where’s the dancing? Where’s the music? Where’s the conga line? Where’s the puking? WHERE’S THE DEBAUCHERY? The most scandalous thing I’ve seen is Blake gently resting his head on the bar in defeat.

OH CLAY. why are you touching Angela’s leg?!?! And saying breaking up with her was the hardest thing you ever did? It’s over! Unfollow her mom on Instagram. Burn her sh*t. Move on. I’m getting a very bad feeling about this.

Back at the house, JPJ calls Derek the “frat boy” of the house. Derek gives Wells the lowdown about what happened at the wedding. JPJ comes over and says he stands by everything he said and that it was all facts. JPJ seems fixated on the fact that Derek has a podcast. He seems jealous. You can have one too, JPJ! I think even my grandma has a podcast. If you’re dying to know how to make traditional Italian biscotti, this one’s for you!

Derek is mad again that JPJ won’t let him talk. He claims JPJ didn’t tell him he was into Tayshia. Andddddd he basically just admitted he uses the show to bang chicks.

Derek: So what if I enjoy the fruits of what this show brings?

We all know the “fruits” are blowjobs, okay Derek. Your euphemisms are no good here.

The next morning, they are rehashing the wedding. Blake says he thinks Angela still has feelings for Clay. Caelynn tells everyone she talked to Connor.

And then surprise, surprise, Connor shows up. No wonder he was at the wedding afterparty even though he literally knew no one there. IT’S ALMOST LIKE THE PRODUCERS PLANNED THIS. Connor has a date card and a captive audience. He pulls Caelynn aside to chat.

^^the proud graduate

Connor asks Caelynn on the date. Kristina says that Caelynn is into her leftovers, but did you ever have Connor, Kristina?

On the date, they’re supposed to use their bodies to make a painting. They paint each other and then roll around on the sheet. I’m sure this is how Jackson Pollock did it, too.

If I may say so, that painting looks like sh*t.

Back on the beach, Clay talks to Nicole about last night with Angela. He says that Angela has reached out to him since their breakup about getting back together, but Nicole has nothing to worry about.

Nicole: I’m not worried
Also Nicole:

Sydney and Tayshia are talking to each other and saying “Angela better not come down these stairs.”

Oh, you think they wouldn’t do that? The same people that let Demi have a relationship at home so that they could seem progressive and have an LGBTQ relationship on their show? The same people that sent every single girl that Blake ever DM’d to the beach to torment him? Those people? Sure! They would never!

Oh, shoot! We were wrong. Here’s Angela to burn it all down. See you all next week for the flames!

Images: Giphy (5), bachelorinparadise/Instagram