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For those of you who missed last week’s episodes of Bachelor in Paradise, well then congratulations, you’re not better than me—you missed one hell of a week. I say “hell of a week” because I’m convinced this show is actually hell on earth and my own personal Bad Place for that one time I wrote “call Ashley for a good time” on the bathroom stall in middle school.
But back to the show! A lot did actually happen last week. If you’ll recall, Demi finally told Derek that she is taking the term “hot girl summer” literally, and would like to only date hot girls. Respect. Meanwhile, Caelynn just so happened to find revenge—I mean love (obviously I meant love!)—with her arch enemy’s ex-boyfriend. Her romance with a homeless man who hasn’t showered since the 2017 didn’t feel at all malicious or suspiciously timed to make the Russian orphan cry. Nope. Not at all. Dylan and Blake continued to fight over their favorite life-size doll: Hannah G. And finally, Nicole and Clay’s solid four-day romance was absolutely ROCKED with the arrival of a new man in Paradise: Christopher. Or was it Charles? I want to say Christian but I’m about as confident in that answer is I am in Christoff’s ability to speak an entire sentence without one sexual innuendo.
Which brings us to this week: back at the beach, Jordan decides that enough is enough and he simply won’t stand for the way Clay is being treated. Clay did ask very nicely for some time alone with Nicole, only to be instantly rebuffed by Chasen. It was a little like watching George McFly try to ask Marty’s mother to the under the sea dance, but without the pressure of Marty’s existence ceasing to exist and the collapse of the space time continuum literally nothing happens, except Clay wishes them a good night and then slinks off to the bar to have a Wells make him a virgin piña colada. Better luck next time, buddy!
This simply won’t stand with
production Jordan, so production Jordan decides to take things into production’s his own hands by throwing Chandler’s piñata into the sand. As two grown men wrestle over a child’s birthday party decoration, ABC does their damndest to make us believe that this fight is actually legit. I’m sorry, but I’m just not buying it. I’ve seen better fights at a sorority house. Just saying.
Naturally, Nicole makes this entirely about herself. She’s like “that was the scariest moment, I felt like I was in such danger.” Sweetie, I’ve felt more in danger on the M train at 8:30 in the morning. If you can’t handle two metrosexuals pretending to fight for ratings, then I don’t know how you have survived this long.
— Mary (@therealmehevans) August 14, 2019
Uh oh! They’re calling in daddy-o Chris Harrison! They must be in real trouble now. I love that Chris Harrison isn’t even rebuking the men. He actually doesn’t even speak throughout the entire ordeal, he just lets the producer who holds up his cue cards during the rose ceremonies do all the talking. He’s really only a figurehead, I suppose. Like the queen.
It is determined by production that both Jordan and Chadwick will be sent home over the piñata fight, as it’s the only fair way to resolve the issue. Tbh this feels a little unfair considering Jordan was the instigator and production scripted this fight sequence line-by-line, but fine.
The Rose Ceremony:
Even with their elimination, three more men are still going home this week. So does this mean Clay will be getting Nicole’s rose by default? Clay is wondering the same thing, because he pulls Nicole aside so they can “talk.” He doesn’t want her to get the wrong idea that he might be aggressive like Chett. You get that? An NFL player does not want to be seen as aggressive. You better hope your agent doesn’t hear you talking like this, Clay, or you’ll never get back out there!
Meanwhile, the Blake/Hannah/Dylan saga continues. Hannah is torn between which vitamin she should take and honestly this comparison of the men to vitamins is making me worried that she considers vitamins an actual food group. Tbh, it would explain a lot.
DYLAN: Hannah is so beautiful. I could just stare at her all day and wear her bathwater in a vial around my neck, you know?
Since a rose is now on the line, Blake decides it’s time to really step up his game in wooing Hannah. Before he was just like, medium interested in her. And by “medium interested,” I mean actively pursuing any woman with a working vagina, of which Hannah also has one. He decides a mariachi band should do the trick. Really, Blake? A mariachi band in Mexico? Groundbreaking.
HANNAH: That was so sweet of you. Thank you!
BLAKE: Well I wanted to remind you why you have a crush on me.
I WANTED TO REMIND YOU WHY YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME. I’m dying. I’m going to start saying that to people and see if it works.
Chris Harrison calls the rose ceremony to order, though it’s hard to hear him clinking his glass over the sounds of Dylan sobbing in the bushes. Before he can even launch into his contractually obligated 3-6 sentences for each episode, he’s interrupted by Onyeka, who has decided to send herself home. As it turns out, she would rather sit in a Mexican airport than contend with advances from Cam for one more goddamn second. I knew you were a real one, girlfriend.
The rose ceremony goes as such:
Demi picks Derek
Katie picks Chris B
Nicole picks Clay
Caelynn picks Dean
Tayshia picks JPJ
Sydney picks Mike
Hannah picks Dylan (if only because she would like to substitute prosciutto for his heart when she makes her next charcuterie board. It’s fun to try new things!)
Kristina picks Blake??? WHAT. I was rooting for you, Kristina! We were all rooting for you!
Blake & Caitlin: Paradise is not treating Blake well, and Blake is making sure everyone knows this. After Hannah’s rejection at the rose ceremony, he watches the happy couples with a look that says he just wrote his mother the saddest letter about his time at camp.
“Mom? Can you come pick me up? The food is trash and my bunkmates are picking on me!”
Blake’s luck changes only slightly when Caitlin walks into Paradise and there’s literally no one else for her to take on her date. There was a moment where I thought she might be into Dean, but then I guess she opened her eyes and realized he looked less like boyfriend material and more like someone who should be delivering the “pizza” in a porno.
Oh Jesus Christ, Blake met this girl at Stagecoach too?? Is Stagecoach code for something other than a country music festival? Like, Bachelor-sponsored orgies?
Their date involves trying out tantric yoga, which feels like a horrifying activity for two complete strangers to do with one another, but okay. I love how everybody hates Blake, but someone takes one for the team and asks him out anyways, and he STILL bitches the entire time. He’s like “could I catch a f*cking break here?” as a woman does yoga flow right on his dick. GROW UP, BLAKE.
Dylan & Hannah: I guess production finally decided they were done testing the limits of Dylan’s sanity, because they throw him a bone and give him a date card. He, of course, invites Hannah, much to Blake’s chagrin.
Throughout this whole date I can’t help thinking that Hannah is really, really lucky she looks the way she does. Like, if she was just average looking, would a guy be putting up with her bullsh*t like this? She tells Dylan she’s sorry she’s been so indecisive and straddling other men in front of him but like, that’s what Paradise is all about, isn’t it?? Dylan takes all of this in stride and is just grateful she didn’t make out with their waiter just now. Baby steps!
DYLAN: I’m falling so hard for you.
HAHA. At this point, Hannah has expressed stronger feelings towards a charcuterie board than this human man in front of her handing her his still beating heart. Bless it.
Tayshia & JPJ: This is a couple I didn’t see coming but am actually very here for. JPJ and Tayshia appear to still going strong. JPJ even goes as far as to say he feels “intoxicated” around Tayshia but like, I’m pretty sure that’s just Wells’ margaritas…
I love that JPJ’s sob story is that he thought about getting married to his college sweetheart but decided he’d rather not. I guess that’s as far into his privilege as he could possibly dig. I’m sure that girl is watching now and not at all contemplating ways to behead him while listening to him talk about how he was committed to her for YEARS and couldn’t imagine marrying her, but can see a future with this girl he’s been making out with for five days.
Honestly, they deserve each other.
Demi & Derek: Meanwhile, Demi is still thinking about the girl she left at home while casually stringing Derek along. Look, I’m all for Demi being a queer queen and would LOVE to see more diversity on this whole milk of dating franchises, but I don’t love that she came on this show while dating someone else. Doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose here? If Blake had to break up with all five of his girlfriends, then so should Demi!
DEMI: Sometimes I want to make out with him and sometimes I can’t stand to breathe the same air as him, you know?
Yes, I do know girl. Write that on my f*cking headstone.
Wait, so her girlfriend’s name is Christian also? Why does this make me nervous that Nicole’s Christian is about to pop out from behind a palm tree, only in a wig?
My queen Alabama Hannah shows up in Paradise to talk to Demi about her predicament. Look, nothing against my girl Hannah, but maybe Demi shouldn’t be taking relationship advice from someone who had Tyler C in her clutches and let him slip away in favor of a man who’s monthly income is probably $23.75 plus the spare gum someone threw into his guitar case out of pity.
Their talk only makes Demi more upset. She says it’s not really fair that she should have to choose between someone who’s there and someone who isn’t there and then goes off to ask Chris Harrison if she can bring a plus one to the next rose ceremony. Or so I assume, because that’s where the episode ends. Until tomorrow night!
Images: Giphy (2); ABC (2); @therealmehevans /Twitter (1); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1)