The Best ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Mayor Of Paradise Returns

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Welcome back to Bachelor in Paradise Week 2, Night 1! For those of you who are just dipping your toes into BiP this week, you should know that we’ve watched a total of four hours of television and have still not witnessed one single rose ceremony. It’s starting to feel less like a reality dating show and more like a hostage situation. At least we still have wine!

Last week we were just going into the rose ceremony, and it looked like Caelynn, Bibi, Onyeka, Jane, Kristina, and Annaliese were all in trouble. They all took, um…different approaches in trying to secure a rose. Bibi went with my personal favorite approach: weeping into her margarita and wailing about how nobody loves her. This is a tried and true method of mine and, let me tell you, it has a 100% success rate in gently being asked to leave the premises. Caelynn decided her best bet was to give an over the pants handy to the island weirdo, Cam (I paraphrase). Caelynn is fun, because one minute she’s the spokeswoman for being honest and not using people, and the next minute she’s using people blowing so much smoke up Cam’s ass it’s amazing a plane hasn’t been signaled from the sky. Finally, we have Jane, who went with poisoning her potential suitors. How this helps her cause, I’m not sure, but I stan any woman who is willing to poison a man on national television. Keep doing you, boo boo.

Moving on. This week we open with the rose ceremony and Bibiana is not doing well. She looks as if she’s being held together by tequila and boob tape. Again, we are the same. There’s a lot of debate over whose rose Hannah will accept, and if any girl will accept Blake’s rose, and I love that they’re pretending like the girls on that beach have enough self-respect to not accept a rose because they don’t particularly like the guy handing one out. I’m pretty sure if a sea urchin had a rose to give out they would not only accept its rose but try and make out with it for good measure. Please.

The rose ceremony goes as follows:

  • Derek picks Demi

  • Clay picks Nicole

  • Wills picks Katie

  • Kevin picks Sydney

  • JPJ picks Onyeka

  • Cam picks Caelynn

  • Dylan picks Hannah

  • Blake picks Tayshia

  • Grandpappy Chris picks Kristina

That means my girl Bibi, Annaliese, and plain Jane are all going home. Bibi, all I have to say is you deserved so much better than this! Annaliese, this is about what you deserved.

Now that it’s the girls’ week to choose, Blake has decided he no longer wants to keep things “open,” and would suddenly rather focus all of his energy on one girl (Hannah). I’m sure this emotional growth has nothing to do with the fact that Hannah is the only woman who doesn’t want to use his bones as kindling at the next beach bonfire. Nope. Nothing at all.

Also, watching Blake stoically sit on the beach makes me think he looks like one of those guys that smoked a lot of weed in high school, then never left town so he just became a local cop and spends his weekends confiscating kegs from the teenagers’ parties.

Add in some ill-timed finger guns and the resemblance is uncanny!

Jordan Kimball is the first new man to arrive in Paradise and is visibly shocked to learn that Blake is the player of this season. You can tell that Jordan once had to explain to Blake what “having game” meant and that it was different from owning the latest version of Madden, and now that his little monster is stealing all the hot blondes from him. He’s disturbed.

HANNAH: *sums up Blake’s love quadrangle*
JORDAN: Blake? Blake Horstmann? Is there another Blake in the Bachelor franchise you might have him confused with?

Jordan says something about how it’s not right that Blake has his “spoon in all the puddings,” and is this a phrase the youths are saying today? I’m confused. I thought the phrase was “snack” not “snack pack”? You learn something new every day!

Future Urban Dictionary searches aside, I’m with Jordan here. I don’t understand why people are into Blake. When Blake was on Becca’s season he was kind of a weirdo. He had his height going for him and also if you squinted in just the right way he might be a little bit conventionally attractive, but his overall allure was lost on me. Now that he’s back in the Bachelor spotlight and licking the wrappers of every pudding in the pack (see, I can be a youth too!!), I’m very alarmed.

I love how they describe Jordan’s type as blonde and a model, as if that equates to a lasting relationship. They’re like “well it worked out for him and Jenna,” and if by “worked out” they mean the relationship was metaphorically tied to a pyre and set ablaze then, yes, it did work out for them.

Jordan asks Hannah out on the date because he says their conversation was “so easy” and they “really connected.” I’m pretty sure all she said was “those are some spiffy shoes,” but okay.

Although Hannah initially accepts Jordan’s offer she ends up turning him down for the date. She’s like: “I just can’t date three people.” LOL. So two is fine, but she draws the line at three guys? I’m glad we know where she stands.

HANNAH: It’s just, like, really hard to have three guys into you at once you know?
ALSO HANNAH:

Happy with her decision to only emotionally ruin two men instead of three, Hannah seeks out the human embodiment of a body pillow: Dylan. I love how they keep saying how emotionally challenging this experience is. They’re like “I’m exhausted” but hasn’t it been, like, three days? If this is emotionally exhausting, I would love to see them work an office job for one week. If you think literal paradise is tough kids, then just wait until you get an email from Jennifer in HR telling you that “cropped attire” isn’t appropriate for the workplace. Talk about emotionally exhausting!

Jordan quickly bounces back from Hannah’s rejection and asks Nicole on a date instead. Luckily for him, Nicole doesn’t have a hard line for human decency so she accepts! They go zip lining through the jungle and fend off several uncomfortable questions from Jorge about their relationship. While that date description sounds like the stuff of my nightmares, Nicole seems very into it.

NICOLE: I think Jordan could be husband material.
ALSO NICOLE: How would I describe my type? Hmm….

Meanwhile, back at the beach the women are casting an ill wish spell upon Blake. They’re like “can you imagine the audacity he has to date several people at once on a show that encourages you to date several people at once? Bippity, boppity, boo bitch!

The strength of their margaritas is strong, but the power of their coven proves stronger. Moments later we watch their bitchcraft at work when Blake loses a toenail lunging for a football on the beach. The wails he emits over a stubbed toe only enhances their powers: their hair gets shinier, their nails grow longer, their skin gets clearer. If Blake suddenly dies in a bizarre beach accident and Demi lives to be 212, we’ll know what’s up.

Speaking of ill wishes, let’s move on to Caelynn and Cam. If you’ll recall Caelynn somehow connected with Cam at the last rose ceremony. If it felt like this relationship came out of nowhere, then shame on you! There was absolutely a foundation of desperateness at its core. God!

CAM: I licked my lower lip and still tasted the salt from your margarita. I felt such joy.
CAELYNN:

You guys, that speech Cam just gave was absolutely terrifying. When he mentions being her biggest “Cam-fan” a chill went down my spine.

Mike Johnson walks into Paradise next and the women let out a collective sigh of relief knowing that they’ll finally be rescued from the sea creatures production has tried to pass off as human men this season.

Mike and Caelynn immediately hit it off. He asks her if she’s seeing anyone and she says she’s not seeing someone so much as she has a man that wants to keep her head in his fridge. I, mean, tell me where the lie is.

They go on a date and you can tell Caelynn is just very grateful to be there. The future Mike paints for her is much more appealing than the one where Cam keeps a lock of her hair in his wallet and she pretends to think that’s cute. And while I’m happy for Caelynn, I’m confused as to why Mike is so into her? Their date is just a candlelit dinner and a lot of repeating each other’s sentences. I’m not sure if I’m watching a love story unfold or a person training their parrot.

MIKE: You have a great smile.
CAELYNN: No, you have a great smile.
MIKE: No, you have a great smil—
ME, ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM: I WISH I WAS DEAD.

Back at the beach, Wells must be well on his way to earning a bonus from ABC because Katie is absolutely obliterated. It’s the only explanation for that reaction when Wills tells her that he’s into her.

WILLS: I like you.
KATIE:

I love that production is trying to make it seem like she’s not hammered and just really torn up about having to turn someone down. SURE JAN. But let’s look at the facts, shall we? She’s sobbing, incoherent, and is easily distracted by walking red flags named Chris. Yep! Sounds like she’s totally sober to me.

As the episode comes to a close, we get one more development in the Blake/Hannah/Dylan love triangle. So far, Dylan has done a pretty effective job of holding Hannah’s interest if only because he refuses to leave her side. At this point I’m starting to think he’s rigged some sort of catheter underneath those swim trunks so he doesn’t have to take a bathroom break.

But despite Dylan’s best efforts, Blake manages to get some alone time with Hannah. He tells her he has some “big things planned” and I would love to know more about these “big things.” Is it like “let’s have a one night stand and then I’ll bang your friend tomorrow” kind of big things? Because if so, I absolutely believe that’s part of his plan.

ARE THEY MAKING OUT? RIGHT IN FRONT OF DYLAN?! That is bold. Far bolder than I gave credit to a girl who is 3% body fat 97% hair extensions. Hannah, you’re a monster!

Dylan confronts the two of them and that really isn’t a good idea, buddy. Looking needy never comes off as sexy, and stamping your foot like that and wailing “but I saw her first” certainly isn’t helping your case.

Hannah, of course, says nothing because she couldn’t fit a spine in that small of a body. Can we all say a quick prayer of thanks that she was not our bachelorette this season? #TeamAlabamaHannahForever

And that’s it for tonight, folks! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow night to find out if Dylan will find a way to go on living after Hannah’s rejection. Dylan, I know it’s tough out there for a beautiful human surrounded by other beautiful humans on the most gorgeous beach imaginable with massive amounts of alcohol and producers constantly stroking your ego, but somehow I have faith you’ll carry on!!

Images: Giphy (3); @shows /Instagram (1); @brettsvergara /Instagram (1); @bachelorettenews /Instagram (1); ABC (1)

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