The Best 'Bachelor In Paradise' Recap You'll Ever Read: Why Isn't This The Finale?

Sponsored by SkinnyPop

Friends, I am going through a roller coaster of emotions. When the episode began I was so excited, so blessed, because I thought that after today my life was my own again. No more Tuesday nights chained to my couch, worshipping at the altar that is ABC. I could finally make plans! I could go out! I could watch that episode of SVU again! I could go to bed early! The possibilities were endless and beautiful. But most of the way through this episode I thought to myself, “it sure seems weird that they’d pack fantasy suites and proposals all into nine minutes.” And now I am devastated, because it turns out that just because you hope something is the finale, does not make it so. So here we are, just a bunch of idiots, watching the second-to-last episode of Bachelor in Paradise. Let’s get on with it, then.

On last night’s third-to-last episode of BiP (no, I’m never letting this go), Caelynn rode off into the sunset in Dean’s van, Old Matt Donald couldn’t remember the new girl’s name, Kristina finally got her revenge on Blake for Stagecoach, and they both went home.

It’s daytime on the beach and everyone is discussing the end of Paradise. JPJ is feeling pressure over what to do about Tayshia and is making predictions about what will happen with all the couples. This is fun, I also have a prediction. Here it is: All the couples will eventually break up, they will use their Z-list fame to promote fit tea/start a podcast/write a book and then fade into oblivion when a YouTube star steals their spotlight. Just a hunch!

Haley asks Demi if she would be ready for an engagement and Demi looks like Haley just dared her to bite the head off a dead frog. Kristian is stressed about it and venting her frustrations to Katie and Hannah. Katie gives her a hug, and uh-oh, is she flirting with other girls again?! That Kristian really gets around.

Demi and Kristian are having a serious chat about their feelings and yet they’re not even looking at each other. It’s like what happens when I ask my puppy if she knows how much it hurts me when she deliberately pees on my shoes. Demi says she wants to get engaged and she wants to be with Kristian but she is still worried about what people will think if they see them kissing on the street.

I have a feeling that Tayshia and JPJ aren’t going to work out. Their serious conversation goes a little like this:

JPJ: I think we’re on the same página

I know fake laughter when I see it, because I do it every day at work.

Hannah and Dylan get a date card and it appears this date will consist of attending a birthday party for a Mexican child? This poor thing. I hope the producers slipped him a pile of cash. Although, if this is what they’re doing for dates now, are they all out of cash?

After they sing “Happy Birthday,” take pictures of the kids, and show them how to Facetune their bodies into the perfect hourglass shape, Dylan tells Hannah he is in love with her. She says it back. Sure.

Then Dylan tries to speak Spanish and it’s so embarrassing. The American education system has failed him. He tells people that “My name is Hannah!” That alone would make me break up with him and enter witness protection.

Back on the beach, Connor, the only person that should still be invited to a child’s birthday party, tells us that he met Whitney at the wedding and that he’s into her. Does he know she’s not on this show? You can’t “only be on Paradise” for someone that isn’t there! Also, I think they should have just filmed this whole season at that wedding. I’m sure that show would have it all! People sleeping together, people puking in their sheets, people pretending this marriage will last longer than five months, people looking at Blake in disgust. THAT’S a show I would watch.

Connor says if Whitney doesn’t come down the stairs he is just going to leave Paradise. Well yeah, the show is over, so they’re going to make you leave, sweetie. It’s about time for freshman year to start, anyway.

It seems the producers heard Connor’s wails of desperation, because they are sending Whitney to meet him. At the same time, Connor decides to leave because Whitney isn’t there. It’s just like the Gift of the Magi! Except instead of being a beautiful story about love and sacrifice, it’s about two semi-undressed Instagram groupies just missing each other.

Production lets Connor grab his bookbag, get on the big yellow school bus, and let the wheels go round and round all the way home, despite the fact that Whitney is en route. I love that the producers are doing this. If they are not instruments of the Devil then they surely are just on lots of cocaine.

Whitney walks in with her date card and Sydney is like “ohhhhhh sh*t, yeah he went home.” Whitney decides to chase after him. I imagine it will go a little like that scene in Love, Actually, only with less clothes and no real feelings involved.

Apparently they put Connor in a hotel before sending him home? HOW CONVENIENT. Whitney tells him that she chased after him. Wow, they get to be together and be in air conditioning, they played this right. They make out on the balcony and I’m so happy that their drunken connection at a pretend TV wedding has brought them together. True love does exist!

Clay and Nicole go on a date. Clay says they’ll need to talk logistics, and wow, this is getting so romantic so fast. Clay thinks that he can possibly get to a place where he would maybe eventually at some time in the very distant future get a two-bedroom apartment with Nicole if it’s big enough.

And then Nicole tells him she’s falling for him. Clay looks like someone put eyedrops in his drink and the effects are starting to reach his digestive system. But he also manages to mumble reluctantly that he is falling in love with her. Then they dance to a serenade and Clay kisses Nicole to stifle his screams.

Tayshia pulls JPJ aside and says she has something serious to discuss. No, it’s not about their future. No, it’s not about the meaning of life. It’s about JPJ stuffing his dick into a tiny denim speedo. But of course. And then she draws him like one of her French girls.

They’re trying to recreate Titanic, and if I didn’t already hate that movie I’d be pretty pissed. Is this supposed to be hot? Because all I can think about is how long it will take me to get my sex drive back after watching this.

If I may say so, she did not do a good job.

To top it all off, they stand on the balcony and JPJ shouts that he’s king of the world. Neither one of them falls. Pity.

Chris and Katie remind us they are still here by being mopey and annoying. To be fair, I do the same to my mom.

Chris Harrison then shows up and basically tells everyone it’s time for the single losers to GTFO. He cancels the cocktail party, and decides it’s time to get this rose ceremony on the road. He has a massage scheduled in a half hour.

Chris calls this week “volatile” like they were hit by Hurricane Dorian, and it wasn’t just people leaving Paradise to go DM better options at home.

The men are handing out the roses tonight:

Luke gives his rose to Bri. SHE SAYS NO. And yet, she doesn’t leave, she just goes right back to her spot. This is awkward. Chris asks the class if anyone would like Luke’s rose. No one does!! He sends him home. I just died of secondhand embarrassment. Carry on.

On his way out, Luke says, “I think I made the right decision to leave.” Oh honey, they kicked you out.

Matt gives his rose to Bri. She says yes.

Dylan gives his rose to Hannah.

JPJ gives his rose to Tayshia.

Clay gives his rose to Nicole, and then gives her a platonic hug.

Demi gives her rose to Kristian.

Chris gives his rose to Katie.

Lol Sydney leaves saying, “Matt’s gonna get dumped.” At least you can leave knowing you’re right, Sydney. Then she cries in the car, because she’s “tired of waiting.” Well you know what, Sydney? I am tired of listening to classically attractive, cosmetically enhanced people cry “poor me, poor me” on my TV for four hours every single week, BUT I’M STILL DOING IT. We’re all f*cking tired. Grow up!

The next day Chris Harrison shows up in a sports coat, ready to kick the idiots that are less committed to this charade out of Paradise. He tells the couples to have a serious conversation and decide if they are ready to take the next step, and if not, to stop living on his dime and go buy their own GD iced coffee at the airport.

Matt pulls Bri away to talk. Matt says he feels confident and she says he only picked her because she’s hot, he doesn’t know anything about her, and he can go shave his back now. Hey, at least he remembered your name, Bri!

Chase and Angela wave goodbye lol. Maybe they’ll see each other again on the next season of Ex on the Beach! When will Chase age out of that?

Hannah and Dylan decide to continue on and go to fantasy suites. Duh, she won’t break his little cropped sweatshirt-loving heart until she’s milked all the screen time out of this she can.

Clay and Nicole go talk. Naturally, she is crying. He says he is hopeful but he can’t even look her in the eyes, and as I have learned from those SVU reruns, that means he’s hiding something.

JPJ tells Tayshia he has had some of the most magical moments of his life with her. And that he’d like to dance with her at their wedding someday and that he’s in love with her. She kisses him, but all she says back is “That’s a lot, huh?”

Then Tayshia continues on to say that she’s definitely not there yet. She also tells him he doesn’t actually know what he wants. JPJ repeats again that he’s had some of the most magical moments of his life with her. They must have accidentally written it again on the cue card. Stupid drunk interns! Then he leaves. Tayshia chases after him to say she is sorry. He carries her away. This is not your wedding day, sir. This is your breakup. He leaves pretty quickly after that—he must have heard about that air conditioning from Connor.

JPJ doesn’t even vomit once throughout that whole exchange, and that’s how I know this whole thing was staged.

Kristian and Demi go to talk. Demi feels insecure, and recognizes that her anxiety is getting in her way. She tells Kristian she is scared but that she wants to keep on going and growing. I am thankful this conversation is finally over.

Now it’s Chris and Katie’s turn to go and talk. He cries. I’m crying too Chris, I’M CRYING TOO. Katie starts crying. We are all crying now. For different reasons, I think. He says that he pushes people away that he likes. Save it for your therapy session, Chris. Actually no, just Venmo me $200 for this hour of listening to your sh*t and we’ll call it even. Katie tells him she wants to be with him, and whether he chooses her or not, he clearly needs to get mental help. He decides he wants to give it a shot. She does too. Seems like this will work.

Chris Harrison shows up and tells them to have fun fornicating tonight, but also maybe talk about life, please.

And yes, it is as I feared. The finale is next Tuesday. I hate these people. I hate ABC. Farewell.

Images: ABC; giphy (3), bachelorinparadise, babydylaann/Instagram