We begin this week with Dominique giving us the lay of the land. Derek and Taylor are obviously getting engaged at the end of all this, meaning there will be at least one human being on Earth who can say “my mental health counselor met her husband on Bachelor in Paradise,” and Dean, as Dominique so aptly put it, is “the ultimate fuckboy”. Sorry ladies. Turns out Deanie Babies ain’t worth shit.
Cut to Dean, who is acting like the ultimate fuckboy.
“I was unaware of my surroundings.” — Dean, describing the time he made out in the pool with D-Lo in front of Kristina 10 hours after they’d spent the night together.
“I wish I could be angry at someone else, but all I can do is be angry at myself.” Uhh, yeah dude. That’s because you’re the person who is doing something wrong.
Dean: Hahaha Raven were you making out with Adam?
Raven: Hahaha Dean were you making out with D-Lo or did you go back to Kristina?
Dean’s entire argument basically boils down to “I know Kristina is the right choice because of our troubled upbringings, but somebody’s gotta put the D in D-Lo ifyaknowwhatImean?”
LOL at Dean saying he and D-Lo were “Chicken fighting.” I literally had to take a fuckboy break after that line. It was too much.
Dean: D-Lo and I were…chicken fighting…
Kristina: I literally once ate lipstick to survive do not bullshit me.
“I would never blatantly disrespect you” — Dean, the man who has been blatantly disrespecting her for the entire season
Oh God, Blake Is Here
Now, inexplicably, Blake, the “aspiring drummer” who somehow managed to be less likable than the Whaboom guy, is in Paradise. Why? Why would they bring Blake to this sacred place? Chris Harrison, have you no respect?
Chris Harrison: Here’s a date card. You’ve obviously never had one of these.
Blake arrives on the island and he immediately does 12 horrifying things in a succession of 30 seconds :
-Does not know what the date card is (“Oh! It’s like a clue!”).
-Uses the phrase “man chat.”
-Follows it up with the words “Don’t worry ladies I’ll get to you soon.”
-Is sweating profusely.
-Continually talks about how he is sweating profusely.
-Relives his feud with Whaboom, meaning we have to relive his feud with Whaboom.
Every Woman While Blake Hits On Them:
Raven cannot even pretend for one second to enjoy speaking with Blake
Raven: A woman of my calibre should never be seen with you. If you touch me you will surely turn to dust.
“I think at this point you should hope that Blake will come along and take your girl because she’ll come back and appreciate you more.” — Diggy, being the best.
Blake: Would you like to go on this date with me?
Kristina: I would rather go back to the Soviet Union.
Thankfully, Bad Kid Fred shows up and we’re finally given a break from Blake’s horrific flirting.
Christen agrees to go on a date with Blake, meaning she has a officially cornered the “Undesirables” market.
The Double Date
Christen goes on the date, for some reason, everyone starts kissing Jack Stone.
Is this all just a troll of Christen? Is it somehow related to Scallopgate 2017? Unclear…
Christen’s body is literally rejecting her date with Blake. She’s vomiting. Her contacts are flying out of her eyes. Her makeup is falling off of her face. It’s a mess.
Dominique: Yeah I mean Christen is not having a good time, but I am so fuck it!
Robby & Amanda’s Date
Robby and Amanda go on a date, and it is pretty boring.
Does Amanda even like Robby? Unclear…
Robby: I’m falling for you.
They kiss in front of fireworks. It’s like, fine.
Back In Paradise
We come back and Ben Z is leaving because he realized the love he shares with his dog is greater than any love Paradise could ever provide, aka what we all realized midway through the first episode.
Ben Z: I’m leaving!
Me: I 100% forgot you were even here.
Diggy rolls up on Dominique with the cute card game, and honestly he might be the smoothest bro in Paradise. Dom is loving it. They kiss and it isn’t even openly disgusting. Good for them.
Christen finds out about the whole scallop thing from Wells, and is appropriately confused.
HOT TAKE: Scallops are fucking good. If I’m drunk and there are scallops, I’m going to fuck eat them. Hands first. All in. IDGAF. Fuck all y’all scallop haters. Scallops 2020.
Christen rebounds from the “scallops” situation by kissing Blake and Tickle and Jack Stone in rapid succession. This just proves she is the Queen Of The Misfits.
Jack Stone: If I lose Christen to Blake or the Tickle Monster I need to
jump off a cliff question some things about myself.
Kristina Vs. Raven
Dean to D-Lo: Sorry I ignored you today…that was stupid….but it’s also like….very like me…because that’s how I’ve been acting…all season…
BOMBSHELL: Dean is going to choose D-Lo. Kristina. Is. Going. To. Shit.
Dean: I know what would make me happiest would be to fuck D-Lo.
Kristina: *immediately implies D-Lo is a skank*
Dean: I want to do my own thing!
Kristina: You made out with another woman in a pool in front of me and I didn’t say anything
Cue Raven with the feminist advice.
Raven: *Gives feminist advice*
Kristina: I got dumped 2 seconds ago I am not ready for this.
Kristina: You haven’t talked to me for days!
Me: Wait, so Dean hasn’t talked to you, Raven hasn’t talked to you, who the hell has talked to you?
Raven: The truth is Dean’s not that into you.
The Rose Ceremony
Raven: When are Derek and Taylor getting engaged?
Me: At the reunion, Raven. Don’t you read Reality Steve?
Robby: Amanda and I could be the most formidable and comfortable couple in Paradise.
Me: Lol are you watching the same show I’m watching?
Dominique gives her rose to Diggy. Jasmine gives her rose to Tickle.
Christen gives her rose to Jack Stone, confirming what I’d thought all along: Blake will not even spend one night in Paradise. Too bad. So sad.
Kristina pulls a fast one and announces that she is going to leave.
Things Kristina has fled in her life:
– The prospect of becoming a teenage orphan prostitute.
And there you have it, ladies. You can be cool and interesting and have a great glow-up all you want, but being willing to bang in a pool always wins.
Dean being the ultimate fuckboy and staying while Kristina was tiny and blonde and pure of heart and forced to leave is like, a metaphor for everything.
Bye Fred and Blake! We barely knew ye.
Well, not ye Blake. We knew ye all too well. I can’t believe I have to watch this shit tomorrow.