The Best Bachelor In Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1

Last night was the premiere of season 2 of Bachelor in Paradise, or as we like to call it, Spring Break for the unemployable. Honestly, this show is fucking gold and has the added benefit of Chris Harrison not even pretending to give a shit about anyone’s feelings. We got to see Ashley I. break the mold by inviting her amazing betchy sister on the show, Ashley I. continue to act like a gorgeous maniac, and Clare return to say the cheesiest lines she could think of. Oh yeah, and Marcus and Lacey also had the lamest wedding of all time. But more on that later, let’s get to the good shit.

Side Note: For tonight’s episode we’re going to be live-chatting this episode on Viber. It’s this new thing, and it’s like a group chat, except we are the group and you just watch and laugh. If you don’t already have Viber, download that shit and click here to follow us!


Ashley I and her sister: Why do we need re-introductions? Like do I need to watch Ashley I. fake pack?

Jared: I’m coming to paradise because the best way to get over someone is to fuck a bunch of people on national television, duh.

Ashley S.: I went on this season of The Bachelor to find love and I wound up finding a pomegranate. I like to go to the farm and hang out with the animals. My dad always told me I try boys on like shoes so I think I will find love in Paradise.  – Wait what?

Tanner: You probably remember me from Kaitlyn’s season of the Bachelorette. She might not.  – No don’t worry we all forgot about you.

Jade: Everybody was amazing after I told Chris I was a porn star, I got a bunch of really supportive letters from guys who like promised they wanted to be there for me and then liked all my pictures on Instagram.

Jillian: Before I go to paradise, I need to get a boob job. I’m so excited to meet the guys and show off the girls.  – As if this show needed to get trashier. This was the same girl who a year ago proclaimed she had no issue milking cows in Iowa.

Dan: No one remembers him at all, was in Desiree’s season but I don’t think his vagina beard was. “I’m a business owner I am a Libra and I have a dog.” You sound riveting.

Juelia; The one with the kid and the dead husband. Who printed all those pictures out for Juelia’s daughter to judge? 

Tenley: Jake chose Vienna over me. On Bachelor Pad I met Kipton and it didn’t work out so I’m ready to fall in love again.

First Night


Carly: Were we supposed to bring our sibling? Because I could have brought mine, because he was on the Bachelor too.

Tenley: I haven’t been on a Bachelor show in 5 years. I almost thought I was going to have to get a real job there for a second.

Jade: It’s crazy to think that the next person that walks down this beach could be someone I fall in love with. – Shit delusional people on the Bachelor say.

Chris Harrison: How’ve you been?
Jade: I’ve been good
Chris: Last time I saw you you weren’t that good
Jade: No took some time and now I’m good!
Chris: You seem nervous…
Jade: I am nervous!

It’s funny how America works. Kaitlyn has sex with one of the guys she might marry and America sends death threats. Jade poses naked for Playboy and she has all the support in the world!

Mikey T: Referred to himself as an alpha male, forgettable. I especially admire his excessive underarm/chest sweat. Somebody get this guy a Speedstick.

Mikey: I do workouts on da beach yo.
Tanner: That’s why I came here. To get a body like yours.

Ugh now we need to watch Ashley’s sister pretend her presence is a surprise and ABC didn’t pay for her flight and like, screen her for STDs.

The big twist is that the sisters come as a package? That seems really unfair and sort of bizarre. It seems Bachelor in Paradise has learned nothing from their 2 Bachelorette situation.

Lauren: Ashley I’s sister. Self described ‘complete opposite of a virgin’. “I’m just gonna love who I love do what I do and like, whatever.”

Jonathan: I love sisters. A virgin. I’ve had a couple of those it’s a lot of fun, a little bit of work but it’ll be worth it. – Calm down there Bill Cosby.

Carly is back and has clearly read our recaps because she’s gotten her eyebrows filled in. They still look weird though, like who is her eyebrow advisor because they should be fired.

Kirk: Red head. No idea who he is but maybe because I haven’t been watching this show for 30 years like Tanner. 

JJ’s pink pants need their own spin off show.

Ashley S looks mad pretty, still a nut job.

Lacy and Marcus’ Weird Ass Wedding

OMG Marcus and Lacey have to get married in front of all these random people that’s like so fucking annoying. Just pay for your own wedding guys, it’s not that big of a deal.

This isn’t like, their REAL wedding right? As in half the wedding is in a bikini?

Tenley (as the bride and groom walk down the aisle): And I started thinking okay I know what this is. – Unless you are especially learning disabled you should have been able to figure that out half an hour ago.

They got the shittiest TV wedding I’ve ever seen. What was the budget? 50 pesos?

Did Lacy google “vows for dummies” because her speech was fucking awful. Like seriously can she even read this speech sounds like Joey Tribbiani’s officiating speech at Chandler and Monica’s wedding. Also is she knocked up? Because she kind of looks knocked up… Her parents look like she just hired them yet they all have the same Adriana La Cerva’s highlights. But actually Lacy’s mom looks just like her + 10 packs of cigs a day. 



Ashelys’ sister is like, actually crying. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THEM AND THIS SPEECH SUCKS.

That’s the way I want to get married; with my husband dripping sweat while 15 strangers who are about to fuck all watch on in awe and confusion.

This is also exactly how i want my wedding to be announced on my husband’s Instagram. 



So like they get married and then are asked to leave?

Actual line from Marcus: Great meeting you guys. Thanks for coming to my wedding.

First Night

I feel like Juelia is old. Tenley is so cute, but like, also old.

The following are actual lines from Lauren, MVP of the episode:

“They just want to drink and hook up with these guys ’cause they’re old.”

“I hate people, that’s like a problem too.”

“I feel like I’m gonna wake up and have breakfast with someone I don’t like.”

Kirk then enjoys an awkward make out scene with Carly.

Kirk to Carly: You’re like average sized, why are your hands so small – everything a girl wants to hear.

He then tries to awkwardly brag about this to the other guys

Kirk: I made out with her
Guy whose name I can’t remember: Sweet

Ashley then attempts to flirt with Jared by saying absolutely nothing and then thinking that was an easy transition into randomly bringing up her love of Disney Princesses:  I don’t even give a shit about Cinderella like, Jasmine’s my princess.
Jared: What’s your name again?

Day 2

“It’s hard for testosterone driven men not to jump on something right away.”  – Mikey

Did Tenley just say ‘tummy’? No, no, no you’re far too old for that.

Ashley I. and Jared

Ashley I. gets the first date card and then practices asking out someone who is at best a creepy looking restaurant manager. Her sister is extremely helpful in the betchiest way possible: “YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAND HIM THE CARD!”

The two go off-roading and Ashley uses their astrological signs’ compatibility as her confirmation that they’re perfect together. “Ok statistically Pisces women end up marrying Scorpios out of all combinations of the zodiac but then 50 % of them get divorced so it’s all the same.”

“I have some weird Aladdin complex” – is that a thing? I can’t stop laughing.
Ashley I: OMG tell me all about Kaitlyn.
Ashley I. in her interview: It’s been a month since Jared got dumped by Kaitlyn. He needs to get over it. – I mean, agreed sort of.

Sup with Jared’s mad spotty beard?

Ashely then totally tunes out during his answer. “Thanks for showing me how a one on one goes.”

Ashley returns and gets berated by her sister for wearing those shoes with that bikini top. It was amazing.
“Your upper half is perfect but your bottom half is slacking.” Lauren is the best character on this show.

Back at the house

Kirk with the stupid name should shave his beard. No one likes a long red beard man.

Ashley S. probably OD’ed on like Percocet or like Mexican mushrooms and gets sent to the hospital. I hope that crazy bitch comes back, no one seems to give a shit.

Jared awkwardly gulps his drink as he finds out Jade has a date card. Too bad she winds up picking Tanner, who is actually shadily kind of cute and funny.

Jade and Tanner’s Date

Bold moves by the girls this season kissing first.

Jade is wearing like, full sized underwear and that water is dirty. Whatevs.

Back at the House again

“It’s a toss up between Wendy’s nuggets and McDonalds nuggets” – stimulating convo in paradise

Oh Clare welcome back. “This time my attitude is different. This time I want to focus on finding love.” You literally said the exact same thing last time.

Actually not dreading tonight, see you Betches tomorrow!


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