This week on Bachelor in Paradise Marcus and Lacy solidified the most boring relationship of all time, there were a shit ton of bat cave dates, and Jesse referred to Tasos as Taco about 45 times. Let’s take a look at some other scandalous shit that happened.
Cody and Michelle
It’s been one week how does Cody love her?!? I feel like Cody would be in love with a suitcase after one week.
Cody: It’s really hard to hear Michelle say that she’s not in love with me after knowing me for four days.
Cody is doing Lion King workouts on the beach. He is like the definition of a gorilla juicehead.
Michelle then consults Jesse for some advice about what to do about Cody. Good idea Michelle, get relationship advice from the guy who had a threesome 48 hours ago.
Cody’s solution to Michelle telling him she wants to take it slow is to tell her he wants her to meet his family and Michelle thinks that’s him taking what she says into consideration.
Marcus and Lacy Date
Marcus just said ‘HOLY COW’. Deal breaker.
Marcus and Lacy are ruining the ratings so ABC brought them down to this bat cave to murder them.
Isn’t this where Kalon went on his date with Kalon?
Hahahah stalaglites. Lacy can’t say words. Good one Lacy.
Marcus: Facing fears together definitely propels our relationship. – ABC’s way of getting its members create euphemisms about their near death experiences.
Scared Lacy gets out of the bat cave and turns out she shit herself!
Lacy told Marcus she’s falling in love with him with the same excitement she would hand someone her business card.
“I couldn’t be more excited about Lacy telling me she’s falling in love with me,” says Marcus with the same fervor one would after hearing that lasagna is for dinner.
Brooks cut his hair. Not bad Brooks, not bad. They def made Brooks pretend like he’s totally into Sarah.
I forgot that Brooks sounds just like Stephen Colletti.
I think Robert and Sarah both want to fuck Brooks.
THATS MY BAE hahahahaha Robert I DIE.
If Sarah is so into Brooks then she is so not that into Robert. Bachelor in Paradise just goes to show you that you’re only as loyal as your options.
Are Brooks and Jackie going to Diddy’s white party?
Jackie calls Brooks quick witted yet Jackie seems about as quick as Kendall Jenner reading a teleprompter.
Jackie: I was so impressed that Brooks could speak Spanish and then he spoke English and I was like whoa.
Brooks: This is an ideal date because Jackie keeps talking and I’m not listening to a thing she’s saying, just staring at her tits.
Brooks: Is it this awkward every time coming home from a date?
Everyone: Yeah pretty much
Zack, remember when you were fucking Clare last week?
Zack: I want to see if we can take that step towards a romantical relationship. – PSA romantical is not a word.
Sarah and Robert
Sarah can you calm down. Why does Robert’s handwriting look like the letters they force you to write to your parents in sleep away camp? Sarah strategically uses Brooks opening up to force Robert to commit to her. Didn’t she say she was breaking up with him like 5 seconds ago?
Sarah: I don’t think Jesse’s here to fall in love. Jesse’s here for the free booze and to hook up. – You say that like it’s a bad thing?
Christy: Jesse has all the qualities that a good boyfriend should have like he likes to drink and uh he likes his friends and likes having sex with two girls at once.
Michelle: Tasos was tossin’ some really good vibes our way. Tasos is kind, Tasos is a gentleman, Tasos is a good man. – You’ve known him for 90 seconds who are you Aibileen from The Help?
OF COURSE Cody lives on the bro code.
Robert: If Tasos asks Michelle on a date Cody might eat him.
Zack and Jackie Date
What the fuck is up with this season and caves? Did ABC get a Groupon or some shit?
TBH Jackie is ripped.
So like Clare must feel like shit watching this.
Zack and Jackie actually seemed like they had a way better connection than Jackie and Brooks. Like Patti says, always kiss her! Plus 10 for Zack.
AshLee and Graham
Where has AshLee been this whole time?? Are Graham and Ashlee that boring that they get no screen time?
AshLee wants to express her UNgratitude for the moment that Graham doesn’t get the date card. – That’s not a word idiot.
AshLee to a room full of men: Graham is definitely the best catch here.
Tasos and Christy Date
Jesse is like that frat douche who is going to die alone.
Jesse: The fact that Christy and Taco are going on a date, I’m feeling the pressure.
Yeah Tasos, I think the best way to make the kiss natural is to ask her about it and discuss it at length.
Lacy, the news anchor for all relationships on Bachelor in Paradise, loves Marcus and over-annunciating her T’s. Someone needs to teach her how to do her makeup. If Lacy gets any darker she will literally be Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
I really thought Brooks was going to create a power point presentation on why Jackie should pick him but instead he just made like a gay BFF and painted her nails.
Jesse: I’m not here to start a relationship with a dumb blonde but Christy has a rose sooooo…
Jesse then decides to leave before Christy can dump him. He makes a weird speech to the other people on the show like he’s their dad and he’s leaving their mom. I know it’s going to be hard but I’ve got to go and I’ll see you guys soon. Take care of your mother for me.
Michelle’s like the house mom. “YOPO. For every woman in America.” You don’t need to tell him off. You’re on television so you can like, laugh about it to others and make him feel like shit when he watches the show.
I like how Christy is having her therapeutic breakthrough about being manipulated by men on fucking spring break. Ok that’s enough already you just have to fuck up his ego not make him feel bad for women everywhere. I can’t believe Christy’s last words are ‘have a safe flight’ after all of that.
Really Jesse, only 60 emails when you get home. Fucking loser.
Jesus what is going on with these girls running their mouths before giving out their rose? Can Chris Harrison make like Principal Duvall and tell these bitches that a speech wasn’t necessary and most people just take the rose and leave.