Last night was another exciting evening in Paradise where Joe displayed his resting betch face, Samantha got called the fuck out, and Ashley S. spoke with the eloquence of a stroke victim on acid.
At this point we have to ask ourselves, what exactly does one win by sticking it out another week in Paradise? Besides the obvious benefit of a perfected tan, there’s no actual money to be made from making it to the end. Perhaps that explains why JJ bounced despite the fact that he’s extremely unemployed.
Why do we keep cutting to the crabs? Enough with the crabs ABC!
“I’m her guy…wait, yeah I’m her guy and she’s my girl.” – Joe, on Samantha
“He was my bitch.” Joe on everyone. Someone has spent too much time in prison. I hope none of his dates involve dropping soap.
JJ manages to maneuver his dislike of Megan into pretending to be a gentleman to give a rose to Juelia.
Tanner got particularly riled up over Joe and Samantha’s deceit. It really shook him to his core.
Tanner: I don’t mind strategy in the game but when it comes to lying or doing things that are strategic that’s where I draw the line.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON TONIGHT – Tanner, getting angry.
Samantha: I just explained all my feelings.
Tanner: Your feelings are false.
The group then has a pow wow where Samantha fails miserably at trying to not seem like a villain.
“Shut it Whitney let her talk!” – Clare to Samantha
Clare’s like the civil justice brigade interrogating Samantha about her friendship with Juelia. Are. You. Friends. With. Her!?
Sup with this patriotic music during JJ’s exit speech?
Now onto all the desperate girls making appeals to the guys for why they should pick them.
Ashley I: I just wanna get away from the drama and shit that’s not about me and just look at Jared’s face which is looking away from mine.
Jared: Be open.
Ashley: You be open.
Ashley I: I have a crush on you.
Jared: ::Kisses her to shut her the fuck up::
Ashley I: I’m much better at kissing him than I was Chris’ paper-thin lips. – I mean true but he’s still not that into it.
Megan: I really want to spend a few more days with JJ
JJ: Megan is really into me.
The rose ceremony then promptly begins after the producers tell Juelia to plead with Chris Harrison to bring Mikey back.
Chris Harrison: Ladies if you don’t receive a rose you will be leaving paradise forever and may god have mercy on your soul.
JJ gives his rose to Ashley S. because even people with partial lobotomies deserve to find love.
Megan, Clare, and Juelia are eliminated after JJ makes the most awkward speech in Bachelor in Paradise history.
JJ: It’s the hardest thing I’ve done in forever. – Wow you really need more life struggles.
JJ: I’m leaving brothers and new sisters and best friends and I couldn’t be happier. – Wait, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?
JJ: Tonight the rubber meets the road for me. Time is of the essence. I feel like I’m rolling the dice the early bird catches the worm. Danke Schoen. JJ OUT!
What is this patriotic music playing again behind JJ’s leaving?
Clare’s like, why not give me the rose you idiot!? I wonder if Clare will actually give up or be back for round 4. She could be a bachelorette in a 40 year old paradise.
Clare: If they’d had chosen me for bachelorette I shouldn’t be here, I would have found my husband. – Nope, that’s not how it works.
Everyone is freaking out that Juelia seems like she’ll have to go out, lamenting that this may be her one chance to find love as a single mom. But it’s not like single moms can’t date. If you can leave your kid enough to go to Mexico and hook up with strangers for several weeks you can hire a babysitter for some fucking Saturday night dates.
Everyone is then thrilled that sad Juelia who didn’t want any pity has found someone to come back for her.
Chris Harrison: We have you here because we want you to find love SO coincidentally Mikey has been staying with me in my hotel room waiting for this exact moment to happen.
Kirk: The fact that the producers convinced Mikey to come back and fuck Juelia is really magical.
Samantha: I’m just so over it.
Joe: I’m happy Juelia is back
Producer: Your face doesn’t look happy
Joe: My face never looks happy
Nick and Ashley S.
Oh asshole Nick is back!! Remember on Bachelor Pad where he didn’t split the money with Rachel Truehart? Yeah, that upstanding citizen!
His only logical but crazy date choice is Ashley S.
Ashley and Nick can’t understand what the Mexicans on the dock are saying… they’re speaking English.
Nick: Hurricane Carlos. There’s a language barrier here.
The extent of people’s Spanish speaking abilities on this show: ‘Ole’ and ‘ayayay’.
I thought they couldn’t go in the ocean because their Spanish fucking sucks not because of a made up hurricane.
What is up with Ashley’s headband collection?
Wait why is Ashley massaging Nick. Enough with the talking animals.
I like ABC’s idea of a romantic date is getting Ashley and Nick drunk, having them massage each other, and then sending the to a hot tub…ah reality TV.
Nick: First these women scrubbed our feet and I’m like wow.
Ashley S then makes this speech while totally fucked up on tequila: Nick, I, paradise. Kirk and Carly. Tonight. Whew. Yes. Nick. Wait. What?
Ashley S: At this point I don’t look at him as a brother but at this point you’re Nicholas Scott and I’m into you. – This is why you shouldn’t drink on national television.
We were then left with some questions about the date like, Is Ashley really talking to the birds or Nick? Why did they turn on the porn music immediately?
I feel like Ashley’s brain is constantly short-circuiting.
Tanner and Jade
I’m not surprised Jade didn’t know there was a Tequila, Mexico. I am surprised she can pronounce the word agave.
Tanner: I really want Jade to be my girlfriend.
Tanner: I’m falling for you Jade… WE GET IT TANNER WE GET YOU LIKE THE GIRL.
“I want Jade to be my girlfriend for the rest of paradise…and even after.” Tanner has invited Jade to sit with him everyday for the rest of the week. On Wednesdays we wear our hearts on our sleeve.
Tanner: I’m scared I’m gonna be in love with you and it doesn’t work out and I’m sad.
Jade: I’m scared of running out of tanning oil.
Tanner’s confession of love is followed by an excruciatingly long pause.
Tanner: I’m all in on you jade.
Jade: I like your top.
Jade’s face when Tanner says he wants to call her his girlfriend.
Jared and Ashley I.
I feel like Jared is always sulking around he never looks like he has any fun. Ashley thought she was going on a date with him but instead she got a breakup. Ouch. Sadly, Jared really DGAF.
Jared: I want you to experience paradise.
Ashley I: KK no.
Ashley I. was wearing a fucking heart of the Ocean necklace in her weird delusions of being Rose and Jared being Jack. Sorry but the only parallels to that story here is that Jared would rather freeze to death than spend the rest of his life with this girl.
Ashley’s like a minute away from breaking down into her regular cry. “I want you to leave me alone so I can ugly cry in peace!!!”
Ashley then frantically cries to Kaitlyn who is like, WTF I am in the middle of cleaning my nose ring WTF do you want? “Jared isn’t over you and it completely sucks for me.”
Ashley: WTF DID YOU DO TO JARED KAITLYN. – He just doesn’t like you Ashley. Kaitlyn was just an excuse.
Kaitlyn: Can I help? Tell Chris Harrison to give you a valium. Also, I’m not fucking paying for this long distance phone call.
Samantha and Joe
“It’s clear things are changing between Samantha and Joe…” Hasn’t it been like one day?
Kirk: Joe has hit a new low and has set up a birthday party for himself.
I can’t believe you’re dumping Joe at his own birthday party.
I love how they keep flashing back to the birthday cake as if to make a flashing sign: ‘LOOK HOW HEARTLESS SAMANTHA IS!’
Samantha: Why’s there drama happening? BECAUSE YOU CREATED IT SAMANTHA.
Samantha just did to Joe what Joe did to Juelia.
It’s hard for Joe to understand what Samantha is doing to him even though he did the same exact thing to Juelia. Let’s turn this into a petition to improve Southern public schools.
For his birthday Samantha gives Joe a gut-wrenching break up. HBD, all he really wanted was an insta collage. Joe obviously takes the breakup like a gentleman and therefore wants to make it known that he has the text messages he was denying he had yesterday. Joe is definitely the ex that sends out your nudes to your grandma after your breakup.