Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Week 3

So it’s becoming clear that the best part of the Bachelor in Paradise is the willingness of production to make the contestants look like total psychopaths for our amusement. If the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is, Bachelor in Paradise is clearly Tinder complete with guys who are mainly looking to get fucked with the occasional sustainable relationship. Like Tinder, for the most part the girls envision a future with bros they barely know within 5 minutes of meeting them while the guys are using this opportunity to have sex with a stranger.

Post Rose Ceremony Drama

I like Elise trying to pretend she didn’t want to give the rose to Dylan. “I really want to fall in love with Chris. I want this whole thing to be a storm that at the end is a rainbow and I want Chris to be my rainbow.” Go home Elise, you’re drunk.

Elise: This could be the first date with the man I’m going to marry.

How did he really fight for you Elise? HE was going to get kicked off and took your second hand rose so he could hang around and perfect his tan.

If I have to hear Elise say one more thing about making a beautiful rainbow after a storm with Chris I will personally fly out to wherever she’s currently living her delusional life and bitch slap her.

I think Elise may have special needs. SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT DYLAN.

Danielle and Marquel

Danielle returns, hair dyed blonde but still curly.

“I came here for Marquel.” You sound like you’re in Taken 2.

Michelle upon Danielle asking Marquel on a date: I’m so upset right now. I really thought this would work. – You haven’t even kissed.

Danielle somehow manages to tell Marquel she stalks him without it sounding TOO creepy.

Marquel, you saw your life flash before your eyes after it drizzled a little? You’re about as masculine as your tropical shirts.

Elise and Chris Date

The following is a list of crazy shit said by bat shit crazy Elise to or about Chris:

Elise: Chris is my silver lining… – You clearly have more issues than anyone portrayed in Silver Lining’s Playbook.

Elise to Chris: You stepped up to the plate and were ready to deal with all the things we had to face. – YOU’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER 2 DAYS.

Elise: You will be #blessed laid for being so sweet to me.”

Elise: Our names together looked really good on the date card.”

Chris: I really wanna share a room.
Elise: Chris is truly a gentleman.

Elise: I came to paradise to find my soul mate. – Said the girl who said Dylan was her soul mate 48 hours ago.

Weird Fucking Double Date

Clare and Michelle: We’ll make it supes sexy with like 5,000 candles. – That sounds mature. 

Michelle Money is like a more New Jersey-esque Mila Kunis. Why don’t you ask the guy on the date before you announce your double date?

Sarah: I Feel like some prettier, more put together girl has stepped in and did what I couldn’t. – aww that’s actually so sad someone give Sarah a rose! “What stopped me was that I feel like Robert is really attractive and he wouldn’t go for someone like me.” Sarah you’re really pretty just be confident, bitch!

Sarah is actually the only normal person here with this logical advise to Elise to chill the fuck out for like, 2 seconds. 

Clare: Not having my dad here is so hard it’s so painful I miss it so much. OMG TURTLES!!

This turtle rolling up on the beach and giving birth to new life is like my dad. EXCEPT MEN CAN’T LAY EGGS and what happened to your raccoon boyfriend from two weeks ago, playah!?

Marquel and Jackie

Michelle plays a game called ‘he dumped me but I’m going to pretend I dumped him’ with Marquel.

Ooo I remember Jackie from when Sean ditched her on the two on one.

Signs that everyone on this show is psychotically insecure: Jackie cannot even approach them on the beach without the girls freaking the fuck out that she’s hotter than them when she actually just looks like a short redhead to me.

Michelle: It’s becoming very clear to me that Marquel is open to every possibility. UM THAT’S THE POINT OF THIS FUCKING SHOW MICHELLE.

AshLee and Graham Date

AshLee: I don’t wanna waste anybody’s time by letting them start to like me. I’m 100% sure we’re supposed to be together and hopefully that will happen soon.
Graham: She’s talking about me meeting her dad and that’s way ahead of where I’m at.
AshLee: We would have hot babies.

AshLee: I follow your Instagram so I know the kind of person that you are. FUCKING PSYCHO.

AshLee: I’m so attracted to the way that Graham carries himself. He’s like the easiest prey yet.

AshLee, when talking about her premeditated crush on Graham “hashtag embarrassing.” – That’s the first non-delusional thing she’s said.

I love when they make them speak terrible Spanish on camera or off of a date card.

This dancing is super awkward.

AshLee: I don’t like to rush things but we would have hot babies.

Graham has seen Fatal Attraction one too many times to have the balls to sleep with AshLee when he doesn’t think he has a future with her. He’s so over AshLee. Meanwhile AshLee is def still not over Graham to this day even though this filmed 6 months ago.

Cocktail Party

Stop being a little pussy Chris, you twisted your ankle you didn’t get fucking shot.

Someone needs to do an intervention on Marquel’s shirts.

Cool Robert you brought 5 blue shirts!? You are such an interesting person.

Rose Ceremony

Everyone (read: Michelle) is SO jealous of each other’s relationships and how close they are to engagement it’s ridiculous. They should convert paradise to a psych ward.

I can’t believe Elise and Chris are left together. “I’m so happy I met Chris. He wants me to meet his family. He wants us to continue outside of paradise.” I give this relationship 48 hours.

Aw that was cute of Chris to give the rose to a desperate Michelle Money. He is not that huge of an asshole I guess.

Really Michelle, the kindest words you’ve ever heard said about you is that you’re here for the right reasons?

OMG this fake romantic montage of Chris and Elise taking shots and making out in the ocean is hysterical. Props to the sense of humor of this show’s production team (@THEyearofelan we’re looking at you).

I love the rest of the cast’s reaction to Elise leaving with Chris: What was it? The day before yesterday that she was into Dylan? Last I heard she was buying Boston gear…and now she’s a Cubs fan?

Aw poor Danielle using her fro’ to hide her face in the limo, ‘Marq hell.’ Lovely.


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