Last night on Bachelor in Paradise, known to the rest of the world as ‘a place to get paid to get laid in Mexico’ we witnessed the difference in relationship progressions between men and women. AshLee and Elise showed us how less than one week on an island with a bro will have you thinking about children’s names while men given the same situation are still thinking about boobs. We also learned not to fuck with Chris B. Harrison by calling him ‘just a host’ lest our fuck buddy throwing himself out of a window becomes a national spectacle. Let’s take a deeper look at last night’s episode.
Michelle K Incident
Chris Harrison: Michelle K left with the announcement that she was seeing someone. – Okay Chris actually sets this up like she murdered a guy in the hotel room.
Michelle K: He was a sweetheart for bringing me floss, hand picked flowers, and cunnilingus.
Michelle K on Chris Harrison: HE’S JUST A HOST – OH NO SHE DID-ANNTTTT. Chris Harrison takes revenge on Michelle for calling him ‘just a host’ by exposing that she had sex on national television and totally selling out crewmember Ryan for laughs. Broken legs, LOLZ!
I hope ABC provides good health insurance benefits because Ryan is fucked otherwise.
OMG they have an on staff psychiatrist can’t blame them with all these nut jobs running around.
Ryan was so scared of Michelle that he jumped off the balcony.
Omg this reenactment is so creepy I’m dying. This producer is actually laughing on camera at Ryan jumping off the balcony and breaking his legs. How is this okay? Oh Michelle, Bachelor rule number one is that you’re not allowed to fall in love with anyone not contractually obligated to make out with you on camera, fucking duh.
Ryan Putz. THE BACHELOR MAKES JOKES.
Chris Harrison: There was another eyewitness! – What is this, CSI?
Chris B arrives
Chris B. is here to take over the role as a career Bachelor contestant now that Michael Stagliano is married and Casey B. is MIA.
Marcus: I hope Chris isn’t thinking of stealing anybody’s women. – They’re girls Marcus not cattle.
Chris B then asks Clare on a date because these guys have all seen Juan Pablo’s season and assume she’ll put out.
I love that Chris B’s spiel to Clare is that he’s an awful person but when he finds the right girl he’ll be less awful.
“Is THAT what you’re wearing?” – Chris to Clare
But really, kind of agree with Chris, Clare needs to stop wearing these maternity cover-ups.
Lacy and Marcus
Lacy has it bad for Marcus.
Lacy is the type of girl Marcus could see having a future with? She has a bellybutton ring and looks like Tan Mom.
Fucking Psycho Elise
Elise: I’m falling in love with Dylan.
Dylan: If you went out with someone else I wouldn’t give a shit.
Ugh Elise is an astrology bitch so you know she’s an idiot.
Elise then gets revenge on Dylan for telling her he doesn’t like her by making out with Chris B. in the ocean. Is going in the ocean’ code for fucking?
Elise: I think he’s hurt. I’m hurt. We’re both hurt.
Clare and Zach
Zach: On my season I didn’t get a date at all. – You were on a season???
I forgot that Clare is the only Mexican person in her family who can’t speak Spanish.
Clare: Zach has good pheromones.
Clare: I felt his connection in the ocean. Hehehehehe…OMG HER GIGGLE I WANT TO PUNCH HER.
Clare is like the new guy first date card ho.
Clare: Being in Mexico makes me feel like I’m kind of embracing my heritage.” I don’t think getting fucked on a Spring Break inspired dating show really counts as cultural awareness of your heritage. Go back to referring to yourself in the third person.
Chris is such a manipulator he shouldn’t be proud that he knows how this shit works so well because he’s on every fucking Bachelor show.
Chris: I have a new nickname for Dylan. Fat Damon. I kissed Fat Damon’s girl and now he’s gotta go good will hunting for someone else. – I can’t believe Chris is saying this shit he’s like 27. Grow up, dude.
Dylan gets a date card right after the first hurdle in our relationship. YOU’RE SO DELUSIONAL IT’S INSANE.
Elise is such a crazy bitch. She basically tells Sarah the following: “He asked you out because he cares about me because he couldn’t possibly like you because you’re my friend and have one arm.”
Watching Elise convince herself of her relationship with Dylan is so funny: “If Dylan and I could overcome this storm that we’ve had we can get through anything. I want Dylan and I to walk out of this thing in a relationship saying ‘yes we did find love on this show’.”
I don’t think she hears herself when she says, “I think that means we know how much we care about each other.”
Dylan Asks Sarah Out
Elise: When I heard that Dylan picked Sarah, that was a shock to me. She like, has one arm.
Watching Sarah put on her bracelets with her “non bracelet arm” was too graphic for me. I’m like seriously confused by Sarah’s arm and not to be insensitive but I feel like it’s sort of intense for network television.
Yeah, Sarah is totally all about the YOPO.
Elise to Sarah: You can go on a date but you can’t like it.
“Sarah is hilarious,” says Dylan, the guy who has not smiled once on camera
Ben Has a Girlfriend
Not to defend Ben who might be the biggest asshole of all time for abandoning his son to fake go find love in Mexico and humiliate himself on national television but how is it chill that Marcus was looking through Ben’s shit?
ABC should have a Bachelor special featuring Ben’s son’s psychology appointment discussing his abandonment issues.
Marquel: You came on here knowingly having someone special already and to get a tan.
Marcus: I think the best thing to do is confront him… #TBM TOTAL BACHELOR MOVE
Why is Michelle Money crying so much? FREAK
Michelle: I left my daughter to be here.
Ben: I left my boy too. – Lesson: you are both shitty parents, Ben is shittier.
Who’s watching all these single parents’ kids? Is there like Bachelor foster care?
Who’s here for what? Is the new Turn Down For What.
Ben: Goodbye, I’m done with TV. :: leaves with Ninja Turtle backpack::
Cocktail Hour/Rose Ceremony
Sup with Michelle Money’s headband?
Why the fuck is Marquel dressed like Steve Urkel?
Michelle Money: Robert, before I give you this rose tell me if you think I’m an alcoholic.
Elise: Tonight he’s gonna say I had the day to think about it and I want to keep on this path of learning and growing and we’re exclusive. – Somebody put sand in Elise’s mouth.
Elise what is that flying saucer on your dress? She’s clearly been watching too much Friends: “learning, and growing, and loving and growing, and learning…”
Dylan: I don’t want to be with you.
Elise: He’s sending me mixed signals.
THERE’S NO MIXED SIGNALS ELISE. HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.
THIS FUCKING AWFUL SPEECH (verbatim): “I wanna thank Dylan because I as a woman and every woman here deserves 100% and a man that’s gonna fight for her. I know that you know that life brings a lot of things. Life brings ups and downs and I know that myself and every woman here deserves someone that’s gonna be there through thick and thin in sickness and health.”
Wow, Sarah picks Robert, I did not see that coming. What a good friend!