Catch up on this week’s Bachelor recap here!
Watching The Bachelor, especially a season premiere, is basically an exercise in competitive judging—and this week was no exception. While I learned relatively little about human yawn Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr., other than the fact he
likes underage women drives race cars, I learned a whole lot by judging the shit out of every woman’s hometown video, outfit, and general demeanor. While the contestants may have bigger boobs and smaller vocabularies than the people you hang out with, every girl you love to hate on this show is definitely a KIND of girl you know in real life. Here’s a rundown of the types of people in your friend group, as represented by Bachelor contestants.
Chelsea: The “Work Hard Play Hard” Friend
Chelsea is the friend you always kind of wish you could cut out of your life, but you know your life would be much more sedentary if she weren’t around to drag your ass to SoulCycle or bully you into dancing on yet another table. Somehow, “chill nights in” never seem to happen to this person: she’s always working, working out, or pounding shots, and she does all three with the same super intense vibe of someone who’s GETTING SHIT DONE. She’s kind of inspirational but honestly exhausting.
Maquel: The Flirty Friend
You would be more jealous of this friend for her endless confidence, but her ability to do just about anything without getting embarrassed is way too fun to give up. Even though you silently judge at least 50% of her choices, she’s super fun to go out with because she gives no fucks and her primary goal in life is to have a good time.
Tia: The Shy Friend
Tia is sweet, but Tia is tragic. Her jokes are both unfunny and overly sexual, and she seems like someone who’s spent her whole life trying to break out of crushes on guys who think of her as a baby sister. She laughs a little too hard at everyone’s jokes and has never approached a guy in her life, but she’d hold your hair back and call you an Uber with the least bitching out of all your friends, so it’s a toss-up.
Bekah M.: The Hipster Half-Friend
Bekah M. is often insufferable, but too much of a threat to be ignored. For whatever reason, she’s not satisfied with just being hot and needs to also pose as some variation of an artist/intellectual/Great Explorer of Life who’s way too cool for the “petty drama” of you being pissed when she’s consistently four hours late. Bekah M. is the most likely of your friends to pretend to smoke weed, or say she “doesn’t play games” with guys, while being a literal psychopath. Since she’s both unreliable and insufferably faux-earnest, it’s kind of hard to be too close to Bekah—but you became friends because she’s ultimately a cool girl who’s just way too into herself (aren’t we all).
Bibiana: The Wild Card
Bibiana is the kind of girl who “falls in love” at least once a week and seems totally naïve, but also has a dark side. She comes off as being totally open and friendly (she just has a lot of feelings!) but she’s also confident AF and would probably beat someone up for you. Basically, she may seem a little bubbly/vulnerable, but you definitely shouldn’t mess with Bibiana.
All done? Good. Pick the one most like your BFF and spend the rest of this season mocking her for all the dumb shit her doppelgänger does—preferably from six inches away over wine, as
ABC God intended.
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