Welcome back to ABC’s hostage situation, sometimes known as The Bachelor! Strap in, kids, because this week ABC is torturing us with not one but two TWO HOUR episodes. Night one (last night) is the Women Tell All, which is, as far as I’m concerned, 120 minutes of my life that I will never get back. Part two (tonight) is the Fantasy Suites, in which it’s teased that Clayton confused “female fantasy” with his personal fantasy of sleeping with three women at once and having them all be totally cool with it. Idiot.
But first, the tell-all! I’ll let you in on a little secret: I hate tell-alls. Rarely is “all” ever told. If anything, it’s just chaotic footage of a bunch of people speaking at such unfortunately high-pitched decibel levels that the immediate result is seismic activity. And it looks like tonight will be no different. The women are out for blood—and by “blood” I mean “tickets to paradise.” They spent weeks catering to every stupid whim that came out of Clayton’s mouth. Doing a scavenger hunt around the city in their underwear? Fine. Writing a comedy sketch that will ultimately bring shame and dishonor to their families’ names? Also fine. Using their masters degrees to explain to a grown man the intricacies of shrimp politics? Fine, fine, fine. But they want something out of it too! They want to be guzzling tequila on a beach in Mexico! They want Revolve swimsuit partnerships and to have Wells The Bartender autograph the smalls of their backs! Dammit, is that too much to ask for?
No one is more passionate in their quest for a Mexican vacation than Sierra. In fact, I think she had more speaking time this episode than Clayton and Jesse combined. What does she do with that speaking time? She uses it to roast the villains from this season: Shanae and Clayton. It’s a looooot coming from a girl who rolled in so much body glitter she could outshine a Cullen.
SIERRA ON THE STAGE RN:
As the unspoken host of this tell-all-turned-personal-roast, she guided us, the viewers, through every slight and petty insult. Again, it was a lot. This isn’t Gotham City, sweetie. You aren’t vanquishing the Penguin or outsmarting the Joker. You’re talking about Shanae and Clayton. My dog has better critical thinking skills than the two of them and I’ve seen her eat her own shit before. You’ve met them… what did you really expect?
Of course, there were other things that happened beyond just roasting Shanae and Clayton (though nothing nearly as entertaining). Serene, Teddi, and Sarah all got moments in the hot seat. Serene looked calm, cool, and collected and seemed barely concerned about her relationship with Clayton. Iconic. Teddi, on the other hand, seemed like she’d been emotionally pummeled by this entire experience while Sarah was still trying to summon those tears.
But enough about the boring stuff, let’s get into the true carnage from last night’s episode…
Shanae’s Still Not Sorry
It seems time does not heal all wounds, because the women still very much want to draw and quarter Shanae in the town square. In fact, the majority of this episode was spent talking about Shanae and her transgressions, which feels exactly like the point of said transgressions. She’s not here to make friends, bitches, she’s here to cause chaos and get more airtime. And guess what? You’re playing right into that!
Case in point: Shanae has yet to even breathe on the stage before the women are jumping in on her. I think Lindsey’s exact words were: “from the bottom of my heart, fuck you” and that is perhaps the kindest sentiment Shanae receives all night.
Most of Shanae’s time on stage is plagued by indecipherable cacophonous yelling and Shanae, sitting calmly through it all, shrugging smugly at the camera. The women, unsettled by the fact that almost nothing they say to her can rile her into tears, take a different tactic. In less modern times, this tactic would involve chaining Shanae to the stocks and pillory while the locals threw spoiled fruit at her face. Today, that tactic looks more like Shanae sitting in the hot seat while the women lob the term “gaslight” at her so many times it makes my head spin. I’m not sure which version of that tactic is more effective.
THE WOMEN: You’re a GASLIGHTER Shanae. You GASLIGHT.
Eventually, Genevieve joins Shanae in the hot seat. Jesse wants them to talk about their two-on-one date but Shanae dodges that question by accusing Genevieve of banging another Bachelor Nation contestant after getting dumped by Clayton.
SHANAE: After I got eliminated, I went home. I was grieving. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. And then when you get eliminated, you go home and fuck Aaron from Katie’s season.
Genevieve’s reaction is actually priceless. She looks like she just realized she’s in the Bad Place and Shanae is the demon from hell assigned to torture her for eternity. For the record, G swears up and down that nothing happened between her and Aaron, though it doesn’t really matter if it did. She doesn’t owe Clayton more than the gum wrapper at the bottom of her purse. The truth actually has no place in this conversation but, boy, do I love the way Shanae lies.
Everybody Hates Clayton
You know who everyone hates more than Shanae? Clayton! Even before Jesse calls Clayton to the stage, there is an underlying current of rage and hostility towards our Bachelor that is simmering just below the surface. The women are mad at Shanae, yes, but ultimately her reign of terror wouldn’t have existed without Clayton sanctioning it.
When Jesse does bring Clayton out to the hot seat, it’s wild to see him walking to his death like this and not even realizing it. He’s got that slaphappy grin on his face, and meanwhile, the crowd is waiting to tar and feather him at the first nod from production.
Clayton starts off by saying that he regrets nothing—not even dry humping to completion on that bar top with Shanae. Wow. The audacity of an apology from a mediocre white dude. It’s truly stunning to behold.
This does not please Sierra, who has gone full Batman on his ass. I genuinely think Clayton may cry during this interaction. The last time he was held accountable for his actions was by his mommy, but even she would end each scolding by acknowledging that he was a special boy. He’s a nice guy, ladies, he swears!!
My favorite part of Clayton’s verbal beating was by far when Sierra said that he doesn’t have what it takes to be a married man. I may or may not have fallen off my couch in a fit of glee. YOU DON’T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A MARRIED MAN. Sierra, how would you know what it takes to be a married man? Have you dated one of those before, ma’am??
By the end of Clayton’s roasting no one is rooting for him anymore—not even his family members. Teddi lets it slip that after Clayton dumped her, his brother slid into her DMs. His brother. ET TU, BRUTE?! God, to be a fly on that digital message wall.
And that’s the tea, fam! Everyone hates Shanae and no one wants to sleep with Clayton. Don’t you feel like “all” was revealed?? I can’t wait to watch Clayton blow his life up even more in the Fantasy Suites. Until then!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (3)