Bachelor Recap: Bored in Belize

As you can tell from the title we found last night's episode to be less than satisfactory. It's like the tenth week in a row that a caveman has convinced a group of desperate horny women that performing irrelevant tasks, like jumping out of shit and climbing bridges, proves that they are worthy of fucking him a rose. These women are deluded. Didn't they see those two disgusting horizontal stripe tanktops he was wearing? He looked like a lesbian!! I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my shark diving party, there would be girls there in their bathing suits!

It's also time to point out how bizarre it is that every girl is all like, “I really feel something for Ben, but it's so hard to think about how he has 5 other girlfriends.” Yeah? Have you seen the Bachelor?

Whatever, we're psyched for next week because not only do we get to see the demons who spawned Courtney, the teaser showed us our first running jump hug! And it will come from none other than 10 year-old bulimic headcase Kacie B.

Oh and our pick for the Elimination League next week is Lindzi…there's something off about her, yes?

courtney weird faceFYI, when I make this face, it means I'm horny

Bachelor drinking game: Take a shot every time one of the pathetic losers says “I really think I'm falling in love with him.” Mandatory proclamation of love: check.


Date with Lindzi

“Omg I could die in like 5 seconds…this is just like a relationship!” Yeah totes, my boyf and I love a good spontaneous drive-by shooting on the weekends.

If Lindzi can jump into this blue hole maybe that means she gives good head

If I was the one who found their stupid ass message in a bottle I would throw that shit right back in the water because it's gayer than Ben's use of the phrase “oh my DAD!” “Their future was uncertain until they one day jumped out of a helicopter.”

Date with Emily

Who the fuck would want to go diving for their own lobster? If I won't make a guy a fucking grilled cheese I certainly don't expect to be reliving Castaway spearing my own dinner.

Stabbing the lobster through its face with Ben was really magical.

Can Emily not get through a single encounter with Ben without mentioning Courtney? God Emily it's not her fault you're like in love with her or something!

“DID COURTNEY JUST SAY BEN IS NOT THE ONLY GUY IN THE WORLD!?” Without Ben there is no world! Only sad, dark lobsterless sharkless nights.

Date with Courtney

Courtney talking about jealousy reminds us of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Bitch is fucking nuts. Watch the next time Ben gets in his car he's going to find a mix tape with Courtney's voice …. Well, what am I supposed to do? You won't answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I'm not gonna be ignored, BEN!

Courtney, Emily didn't say nasty things to you. She said nasty things about you.

It was because you made yourself stand out by showing me your boobs.

Props on Courtney's manipulation tactics that she manages to get Ben to convince her to take him home rather than the other way around…unlike the other women who would literally blow him on camera for saying he's maybe possibly considering thinking about meeting their mom. That being said she's still the anti-Christ.

courtney weird faceIt's a small boy, it's a lesbian..No! It's Courtney's dad!

These aren't the women I'm usually friends with my friends at the psych ward are way less vanilla than the girls here.


Why do you keep making those weird faces. JUST LOOK NORMAL. I seriously wonder what Jesse Metcalfe aka John Tucker thinks if and when he watches his ex Courtney being a total psycho on this show.

Group Date

If someone woke me up at 4 in the morning to go shark diving I'd punch them in the fucking face and then immediately put on some eyeliner.

Rachel will make a terrible wife and mom, she's afraid of sharks.

Nice tramp stamp, Rachel Charlie Runkle.

Kacie B is shadily a delusional dater (her colors will show, we're calling it now), notice how she always brings out a dealbreaker right before crunch time: I have an eating disorder I'm falling in love'I shaved for you.

It's such a joke Ben, how can you truly have feelings for a girl who you call by the first letter of her last name? I Ben, take thee Kacie B as my lawfully wedded wife, someone who I apparently can't tell apart from the other Casey bitch who was here for like 10 min….

Courtney: “Kacie B is a little girl in a little boy's body.” That was SUCH a Jamie King line we can't even take it.

Rose Ceremony

Oh common Ben, what did you think, you were going to pull Courtney aside and she was gonna be like, ok you're right I'm just here because I wanted to be on TV. See ya lataz.

Haha, bitches have to go home barefoot.

Last week's recap>>


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