The Bachelor Recap

So in the latest Bachelor news Ben still looks like a fucking sperm head. Even more so last night because it was raining. Did anyone see all the Wildfox going on during this episode? We have a sneaking suspicion it's paying Chris Harri's salary. Speaking of CBH, he basically gets to go all the way to Puerto Rico just to tell 5 girls that the more they act like lesbians and win a baseball game the more likely they are to go to a beach party. All these tears are why there's no professional women's baseball league. STOP CRYING.

His hair looks especially bad in the wind. And yet, they always put him on really windy islands.

And are they serious with This Year's Love? Why is this the theme song? I used to like it but now I'm kind of like Pavlov's dog where I hear the piano intro and I immediately run to the toilet to vom.

Also we know our picks for the Elimination League have been mostly wrong but that's because Betch 2 has been choosing and she has no idea how to play the game, even though she introduced it to us. Betch 3 read the spoilers so she's out. Betch 1 will be taking over and her pick is Snaggle Tooth McGee aka Rachel.


bachelor baseballWe bet Monica wishes she were here for this


Date with Nicki:

How is Nicki so annoying? How did we not notice this before? All we have to say is this bitch is lucky her hair dries wavy otherwise we're not entirely sure she would have gotten that rose.

Ben get yourself some fucking sunglasses and stop squinting you already look half retarded let's not add to it.

Ben: It is raining gatos – just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I think being married is very different from being engaged. – Very astute Ben, are you a Rhodes Scholar?

Ben in that all white linen outfit with the hat made him look like Tony Montana's retarded younger brother. Say hello to my little friend…Ben.


HAHA at her shirt that says BE NICE; if you have to say it it clearly ain't so

Okay so Courtney has some great one-liners but honestly she's like the anti-chill and we hate her. She's not even like funny cool crazy, she's like crazy horror movie freak crazy, or like Bachelor Pad crazy.

On Blakeley: Who knew that strippers could play baseball? – Touch

“I don't know if he's ever skinny dipped with a model before, could be fun” THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! Courtney's seen A League of Their Own? NO WAY

Her hopes and dreams went out the door with that purple bag. And mine are that much closer to coming true. Okay with that please go drown yourself on the beaches of Vieques.

Stalking Ben outside his hotel room: I have some lotion and lube in my pocket if you need an erotic massage. I bought some Trojans you know, in case you're feeling like you need to jack off while I'm chilling in front of you. Can somebody say creepy?

Kacie B.

Her hair in this humidity looks like an untamed vagina.

I'm really sick of watching Ben's weird makeout seshes with the stop and kiss and stop and kiss.


courtney bachelorDun Dun Dunnn



You played baseball in college? Are you straight? Wait you went to college? Aren't you a cocktail waitress?

Her intensity about baseball is actually kind of scary. It's only a game Focker!

Date with Elyse

Elyse looks like she accidentally submitted her application to the Bachelor but really meant to send it to Jerseylicious. Like no shit she was kicked off, Ben is a total fucking momma's boy, can you really imagine him taking Sammi Sweetheart back to Sonoma? Like no.

I gave up my best friend's wedding for you! Plus that bitch didn't ask me to be the maid of honor.

She says she “admires Ben's aura.” Do they teach you those big words in personal training training?

I've accomplished everything I've ever wanted to accomplish. Helping fat people to lose weight is the most smartest thing I could ever do and I feel like I do that.


Ben: Yeah our conversations are easy but I can't get the image of Courtney's vagina out of my head long enough to concentrate on anything else.

Come on Jen pull yourself together, Ben looked like he was in special ed. With that bowtie and the no shoes. He looks like someone dressed up a gorilla.


I think like I'm sorry for telling you that Courtney is crazy but also you should know that Courtney is like, fucking crazy.

Emily is like one big party foul. If you're going to tell on people, stop doing it then crying about it then doing it again, IDIOT.

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