So this week's episode of The Bachelor involved a number of twists and turns. We had the departure of both Grandma's Girl Brit and the token ugly contestant, Jaclyn. Finally, we got to witness the apocalypse that was the return of Shawntel, who much to her dismay was apparently not as good in bed as she thought.
Ben got to cross out climbing that San Francisco Bridge off his “leap list”. We're not sure what a leap list is but it sounds like a bucket list but more gay. Appearance wise he looked basically the same as last week but we couldn't help thinking he oddly resembled the Italian gigolo who steered our gondola in Venice. He also managed to annoy us even more by using words like rad, rendezvous, and “super fun”.
As for tonight's superlatives, the physical breakdown of the night goes to Erika the law student. We can tell she's going be a really successful attorney. We know personally we'd be itching to hire a lawyer who would be rattled to a physical collapse upon hearing the news that Shawntel from season 14 has returned to The Bachelor. It's called keeping it the fuck together. You should try it sometime.
Speaking of Shawntel, why is everyone freaking out!? You don't want Brad's leftovers yet you're all pining and crying over Ashley's leftovers. And really Shawntel? If Ben wanted you when you guys used to hang out he probably wouldn't have signed up to find his next wife on the Bachelor. Do the math. Or is that not required to become a funeral director?
And finally, in a serious showing of musical talent, Ben replays the only song he knows how: This Year's Love. Chris Harrison should really get him to open up about the girl in high school who was the object of his uncontrollable sobbing while listening to that song. Or maybe he was just really touched by the sex scene in The Girl Next Door. Either way, he's a total pussy.
Our pick for next week is Nicki, because even though she cried, it wasn't in public and she's showed no signs of being a raging lunatic yet.
Now, for the psychos gone wild:
Ah our first run and jump of the season. Shot. Then vom.
“Today we will be climbing up a bridge.” Ugh this fucking sucks who wants to work out on a date. Relationships are all about trust and diving into the unknown. And if she dies that's like, one less decision I have to make. Score.
Emily's thinking “Oohhhh perfect, didn't know his idea of a perfect first date would be me shitting my pants. Yum!“
EMILY can you please elaborate!? Did your brother message you on purpose, like is your brother a closet incest-driven freak who's fav website is ChristianMingle.com? Or was he our type of bro and loves to fuck with you?
On Emily's fear of heights: I did the only thing I could think of. I gave her a kiss. How about giving her a fucking ride back to the street you douchebag?
If we can accomplish something like this, there's nothing that we can't do together. That's probably… no definitely, FALSE.
We kissed and it was perfect. We drank champagne and it was perfect. I felt his boner and it was on the smaller side.
On Emily: Book smart can be a little boring – spoken like a truly vapid idiot model
How long is crazy Courtney going to be here she even makes us uncomfortable and we're not even like, there.
Ben: John F. Kennedy used to bring Marilyn Monroe to this place. We know Courntey's thinking Taylor Armstrong's daughter's is named John?“
To his sister, regarding Courtney: I think that you and Courtney would totally hit it off because she's super chill and drama free. Right. In case we needed further proof, Ben is clearly a fucking idiot.
We would have cute babies one day. I know that because I've already stolen some of your sperm and artificially inseminated myself.
There's something about Kasey B… she sparkles. Yeah no shit she's wearing sequins.
Brittney's disappointed she got the one-on-one because she secretly knows she was going to be rejected. I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO USE MY 3 DAY PROACTIV FACE AND BODY CLEANSE!
Let's be real here: you miss your grandma just say it straight up and stop making up random shit about following your heart and confusion.
“Brittney's departure represents that these woman can leave whenever they want.” Wait, what the fuck? These women are not my slaves!? Chris!? Rejection was not stipulated in my contract!
How much did Lindzi pay Brittney to go home so she could have the one-on-one date?
It was amazing watching Ben's face after Lindzi told him about how she was dumped. He couldn't contain his laughter, we were dying.
Lindzi you're an idiot. You're so impressed by Ben because he pulled out a key to City Hall? He's the Bachelor, ABC emptied it and gave him the fucking key. What are you going to say next, that you can't believe Ben personally knows Matt Nathanson?
What Matt Nathanson was thinking: Is this really what my career has come to?
Talk about embarrassing yourself. SHAWNTEL HAS THICKER THIGHS THAN ME!! She deserves to go home!
Tattoo on Ericka's inner lip was just trashy enough to get her nixed from the show. TG. Ew.
Who asked for Jaclyn's two cents on Shawntel anyway? Everyone in the room knows she's far too ugly to be actual competition anyway.
On a final note, we're convinced that ABC does the following:
1) Gives the contestants a list of cheesy shit to say each episode tells them they can pick five
2) Shakes the bottles of champagne so that they pop
3) Makes sure the girls' hotel windows are glued shut as to avoid suicide attempts