The season premiere of The Bachelor turned out to be everything we hoped for and more. The premieres are always the best because you really get to know the bachelor, like last night we learned that Ben can talk about his feelings and play the piano, and he's really good at looking soulfully into bodies of water. #broodingben
We also love the fireside chats with Chris B. Harrison where he stirs shit up in order to bring about groundbreaking revelations from Ben's inner psyche, like how when he was rejected last season he felt sad, angry, and rejected. Seriously Chris B. Harrison has been killing it for even longer than our fav Bravo Andy.
Then we had the girls' intros where they got dolled up in their finest Celine Dion costumes to meet Bachelor Ben. Clearly the producers encouraged everyone to bring their fav props – hat, sash, grandma, horse. We're instituting a new rule: you bring a prop, you're a tool. But we will admit that the props make for great intros because you know they've been pondering this moment for like, ever, and whatever they come up with is the absolute best they could do. They probably even ran it by other people, which is also telling of how psychotic their friends and family are.
Our pick for the Bach Elimination League is Jenna, meaning we think she'll make it past next week but not necessarily further. And with that we'll get to ripping the contestants apart, the real reason you read our recaps.
Lindzi: This first impression rose winner opened her interview with an eloquent “horses are kind of my zen, horse back riding is so equivalent to dating, both involve….riding.” Then she entered on an actual horse and all we could think was, wow, grandma girl just got massively upstaged. But in actuality Lindzi kind of fucked herself over with that horse because all the other girls immediately hated her. You know how they say the fastest way for a group of betches to bond is to give them a common enemy… congrats Lindz, you are that enemy. And your crazy eyes and the way you spell your name don't help.
Courtney: You look manipulative, you're hysterical. You have the best quotes and you're def a psycho, a Michelle Money for sure. For instance:
“Ben and I had the best one on one”... you talked about yourself the whole time.
Courtney: “I'm a model” Ben: “Ok. I'll see you inside”
“You really hit me really deep with what you said last season, you know when you said, 'I'm available'…it really touched me because like, I'm at this point in my life where, I'm a model.”
“Wedding rings look pretty amazing on me, I'm totally worth 2 karats, I deserve it” – Yeah, you and your world changing modeling career where you're constantly saving lives. Next to the sister-mom from the trailer park, you don't just want 2 karats, you need 2 karats, you DESERVE 2 karats.
“The girls here are like, really weird. I'm just going to sit back and watch them shoot themselves in the foot” – Well played Court-tort
Lyndsie: Are you a real person? In all the countries you traveled to no one ever suggested you need a nose job?
Erika: The law student pick up line. How do you even have time for this show? Don't you have torts to study?
Jennifer: The accountant, ugh. We hate the women who identify themselves by their career, that's disgusting, stop doing work. Also, you tried on 54 dresses? Wtf are you Katherine Heigl on crack? Nope, Martina McBride with a lazy eye. Nope… Erin Brockovich. “250: that's the number of sequins on my dress and also the number of guys I've slept with.”
Amber B: The Baconator??? We miss you already.
One of the Ambers: You're outie but your introductory clip really shows how ABC exemplifies the girls' complex emotions. Showing Amber watching last season's Bachelor: Ben oiling up Ashley, Amber smiles, Ben getting rejected, Amber frowns.
Anna: The girl who walked by Ben and didn't say anything. That was very bold, but clearly you weren't hot enough to pull that stunt.
Shawn: “I'm in finance, the market closed really flat” … So did that line. We get it, she's just another career gal tryna fit in with the glorified cocktail waitresses. Also, she's this season's token single mom who we're supposed to feel bad for. We predict that mid-season she'll have a breakdown because she misses her kid. We also predict he'll be tortured in school once his friends are old enough to discover his mom's Bachelor footage.
Rachel Rose: Your teeth are all that Ben can look at.
Amber T: shoots guns, likes cow balls
Holly: “Holly Hat”
Casey S: pretty, normal
Jamie: might win
Elyse: dee kay who you are
Samantha: “Sammy Stash”
Blakeley: Your parents big Blake Lively fans?
Nicki: token dental betch
Emily: “Love is like a disease,” raps Epidemiology Emmy. You are like a disease. Handing out Purell on a first encounter? You must be a serious load of fun.
Brittney: Grandma's girl. How are you supposed to blackout at the intro party with grandma chaperoning? Also, it's casual how her grandma doesn't even think she can win. “Looks like you've got some serious competition…”
Monica: She is a fucking problem. This one is a psychotic sociopath and bully, we can see through the fake smile that she's a raging nutcase, the lesbian thing is weird, and she has a lot of back fat.
Jenna: We lol'ed hard when they said you were a “blogger” and zoomed in on your screen and it said 'What does love really mean?' Chillllll out Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City ended 10 years ago. It's literally like watching a trainwreck, who actually asks “HOW DO YOU MAINTAIN SANITY” amidst an emotional situation? Was that a voiceover or was she actually talking to herself in the bathroom? Jenna offers the classic case of how to lose, but if you're kind of hot and have tan skin you'll lose more slowly.
Also, “I'm not here to party” …she's wasted.
Oh and this gem: “I love that thing that you said about how good things end badly… I loved it because it made absolutely no sense, just like what I write on my blog.”
For kicks: Chris Harrison's hair is Chandler circa 1998. Ben's is poser/skater circa 1994.