Bachelor Recap: Beauty and the Possibly Homosexual Beast

So FINALLY the debacle that was Ben Butt Cut Flajnik's Bachelor season is over. Although everyone already knew that Ben chose Courtney, Chris did a great job of keeping it DL by introducing the episode as “the most controversial finale ever” because really, what could be more controversial than…absolutely nothing happening.

Of course the episode began with this week's playing of This Year's Love, yet again. I mean, does ABC know any more David Gray songs? …or just the one. On the sellout scale this show is a Valentine's Day card wrapped in a trip to Zellnots in Switzerland to the tune of My Heart Will Go On. I just wish Ben would remind us one more time that he has a really difficult decision to make, because we didn't realize. All we know is that he has become so boring that the Matterhorn got more screen time he did.

Quick question: How do all these women take off so much time from work to be on this show? Considering the large amount of dental hygienists we suspect that there's a Bachelor clause in their insurance premiums.

Ben's Family

It's no coincidence that his mom looks exactly like Barbara Streisand and her name is Barbara. But she's such a huge bitch it's great. Betches love Babz.

Ben's sister in anticipating of meeting Courtney: OMG a sister-in-law who's a model. Just what I need, a reminder that I'm a hybrid of Khloe Kardashian and a full-figured Alanis.

However later on we see that Ben's sister is shadily kind of betchy trying to get Lindzi to #1 talk shit about Court. But like, why does she have this meeting spot where she like interviews Lindzi/Courtney outside on the ledge? It looks like she's going to either make out with them or fucking throw them off the cliff…Step into my wildlife office.

lindziLindzi has just signed a lease for a one bedroom apartment in Dumpsville, Switzerland



Upon meeting Ben's family Lindzi becomes so nervous that she develops a case of cerebral palsy.

“If Ben chooses me, this is going to go down in history as the biggest day of my life.” Yeah, Lindzi, because that's how 'history' works.

Lindzi and Ben's gondola ride comes to a halt, forcing them to have their first conversation of the season and prohibiting all Swiss tourists from an afternoon of skiing. “Going down this mountain with Ben is like, his way of showing me how it would feel if he went down on me…slow and anticlimactic.”

Here's how Ben's thing with Lindzi goes. Lindzi pours her fucking heart out and Ben answers her like he's conducting a bad job interview.Lindzi: I love you.Ben: Thats good. Thank you for sharing that. What is your familiarity with Microsoft Office?

Speaking of interviews…Babz to Lindzi: what's the secret ingredient to your relationship?Lindzi: I think Ben is so great and I'm so in love with him.Babz: That's not a fucking ingredient.

Why does Ben say that Lindzi hasn't opened up or been vulnerable enough? Like what does he want from her… subtext: she refused anal in the fantasy suite.

You can tell Ben's not going to pick her when he's on the gondola and Lindzi's like this is great and Ben's thinking, Yeah this is cool but you know what's really great? Courtney's boobs.


What is this footage of Courtney walking during the opening sequence and petting a random stray cat? ABC must have edited out the ritual animal sacrifice that followed.

The footage of Courtney staring longingly out her hotel window and drinking warm tea on her balcony in her wintry knits is just a huge fucking waste of my valuable life.

Her face looks very oily. Did she leave her Biore strips in America?

Which camera man did she blow to get the pictures for her scrap book?


ben cheatingYou're right Ben, you're not kissing nor are you grabbing ass

Battle of the Outfits: Courtney decided that on such a big day, she should dress as Cruella DeVille. So we have Courtney's evening gloves vs. Lindzi's velvet sorceress cape.


Lindzi you're a joke. Way to go out strong, “if things don't work out, call me!” Winning!

Court's proposal: “I will love you forever…or until the season finishes or for the next six months…whichever comes first.”

After the Final Rose

We're so happy that during the finale, they give you a preview of what you're about to see during 'After the Final Rose' and then during 'After the Final Rose' they recap what happened in the's all so necessary. However, the audience ACTUALLY kills us. The gasps, the smirks, the nods, you'd think they were watching someone get hanged.

Courtney's plan to try on wedding dresses as a diversion from Ben making out with other girls has Blair Waldorf written all over it. This is seriously like watching an uncomfortable session of couple's therapy. Give these guys a love fern!

Courtney bitches that “OMG, Ben didn't even send me carnations on vday!” – oh no, not the silent flower treatment, not on the most romantic day of the year! Honestly Chris Harrison should collect tears throughout his years as the host, he could probably fill a swimming pool with all the emotional crap he's had to pretend to give a shit about.

Great, now Chris Harrison is getting ordained to marry Ashley and JP…how sweet…what's next, rabbinical school so he can perform the baby's bris?

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