So this week on the Bachelor, the women would not shut the fuck up. It turns out the only thing more boring than watching Ben repel off cliffs with these losers is having to listen to them bitch at each other in a room for two hours.
Luckily, Chris Harrison got us excited for the episode by saying that this is “one of our most dramatic seasons yet.” Yeah Chris, just like last season and the season before, and the season before. Not only did we have to listen to these women whine about who was mean and who hurt whose feelings, but we also had to watch the ugly crowd of middle-aged women get more excited by Courtney's impending arrival than their husbands have gotten them in years. Seriously though we love the pans to the random fat women in the crowd who have looks of horror on their faces while robotically nodding in agreement with anything Chris says. How do we sign up?
So it only took us about 10 minutes to conclude we were really just watching the battle of the sad pathetic rejected losers. But if there's one thing we learned from the Women Tell All Special it's that that Kacie B has a nasty, unforgiving enemy, and her name is Humidity.
Let's look at the most memorable moments of an episode we're trying to forget.
First off, about that whole “where are they now?”/Bachelor Pad promotion thing: Why are they recapping the failed relationships of past contestants? What a nice way for Chris B Harrison to showcase his show's 1% success rate.
Alright, so we're just going to say what everyone is thinking. How did Jaclyn get on this show? If Rumpelstiltskin worked at Mac he would look like Jaclyn.
And who would've thought the smartest girl on the show would turn out to be the asshole who showed up with her grandma? Finally, someone admits that Ben is more disgusting than the time Gretchen Wieners wore a vest.
Was it just us or did Jenna come out of nowhere? Was ABC dissatisfied with the quantity of breakdowns and tears thus far into the Tell All Special? Was she like, backstage blogging this whole time? Omg Ben is such a stud. Wait no that's not Ben, that's Chris, I think. Wait where am I?
Ben doing those never before seen pelvic thrusts (in the lost footage) definitely eased everyone's vomming except probably Kacie B's ironically.
Watching the Lindzi highlights reminded me of when she confessed to losing her virginity to her horse at age 14. Seeing Ben in a loincloth confirmed that he would pleasure her wide set vagina.
She asks Courtney, “what did I ever do to you that you would call me a stripper?”… um maybe it was the times you took your clothes off for money?
…So actually, it makes sense that Blakely went into the show “only looking out for herself.” Strippers don't like to share tips either.
Kacie B's emotional roller coaster:
From the look of Kacie B's puffy bloodshot eyes she's been crying since Interlaken. Or perhaps taken up drugs.
It seems that Rapper Skinny E has recruited Kacie B and Nicki into her inner circle of scorned women. Please check your local listings to learn when you can see their upcoming movie, First Wives Club 2.
Lo Samantha is actually a cray bitch. While Shawntel was saying she would never call someone a bitch, Sammi Sweetheart just has this dumbfounded look like “wow, thats weird, I just left a lengthy voicemail to my grandma calling her a bitch.”
Speaking of Samantha…who has sex with everyone…who knew she was such an aggressive psycho, she spoke like one sentence on the show.
Casey S has clearly been brainwashed by the evil Courtney. Either that or she personally paid her to go on this show and say nice shit about her.
Courtney's thought process while crying: Ben better go down on me for 45 minutes after this shit. Fuck. I really don't know that red head's name. Fine, 35 minutes.
Watch Court playing an escort in this Caesar's Palace commercial (at the bottom). It's like exactly how she acts on the Bachelor.
Epic examples of Chris B. Harrison pot-stirring:
To Emily: “So before we started, it seemed like you had everything Ben was looking for in a woman, the brains the beauty… and then you completely blew it, can you kindly tell the audience what the fuck your problem is?”
To Nicki: When you told Ben you loved him was it a relief? Was it exciting? Nicki: Oh it was such a relief. It was so exciting. Puppeteer Chris plays these women like a pro.
To Kacie B: “Kacie B are you afraid to love? Were you ready to take that plunge? Or did your lack of deep sea diving among sharks with Ben make you unable to know what it's like to plunge into a relationship?”
Chris: What is it about Courtney that irked you guys so much? Monica: She's conceited, she's two faced, she's not real, she wouldn't make out with me
We loved when Courtney was tearing up and Chris Harrison had this huge ass smile on his face like, hold on to your rolls, fat middle aged housewives, more making Courtney cry when we return!