So this week on the Bachelor we were taken to the wonderful town of Interlaken, Switzerland which brings back fond memories of our times #3 abroadexcept of skiing and skydiving rather than embarrassing breakdowns by stalker bulimic ex-lovers.
But something about the Swiss scenery was looking a little fake so we got to thinking, wouldn't it be hysterical if ABC's biggest kept Bachelor secret was that they don't actually go to all these places, and the “gorgeous mountaintop background” is really just an oversized green screen. Ok Ben now look out into “the abyss” and when you hit the X on the screen, start talking about how it reminds you of your dead dad.
Oh and just when we thought Ben couldn't look any more nauseating…he broke out his bow tie. He literally looks like the monkey with a gong (see below). So while we thought American Ben was pretty gay, turns out European Ben is like, the MOST gay.
We were also pretty annoyed at the beginning of the episode when the producers killed an entire 20 minutes with a soliloquy of Ben telling us his feelings about all 3 women. Seriously? We already know how you fucking feel. Lindzi's hot but she might be a closet freak/into equestrian porn, Courtney's super hot but is potentially on some country's most wanted list/has several restraining orders against her, and Nicki is totally normal and all signs point to yes but has big arms.
We get it. Now get to the part where you awkwardly ask the girls permission if you can fuck them! And lucky for Ben, all it takes for these women to put out is a fucking fireplace.
My relationship with Nikki is getting to new heights but also it's grounded. Okay first person to explain what this retarded statement means gets a medal.
Stop fucking talking, Ben is trying to have sex, not listen to you tell him 30 different reasons why you're confident you and your dads are perfect for each other.
Don't feel bad about being rejected Nicki. Ben says that he “even cried a little bit todayMostly because I saw a rock that reminded me of my dad, but like also a little bit because I was embarrassed for you.
Cliff diving is just like dating. There's always the cliff that you could fall off of possibly relating to our relationship, or my impending suicide if Ben doesn't pick me.
I'm not sure what bothers me more, Lindzi talking about her vulnerability or her orange skin. I actually want to wipe her face with a fucking Clorox wipe.
Being on top of gorge is like a relationship in that I can tell what it will be like to be on top of Lindzi.
Chill with these relationship-extreme-sport-date analogies. News flash: If you fuck up a relationship, you lose 15 pounds. If you fuck up propelling off a cliff, you fucking die.
It would actually be amazing if upon opening the fantasy suite card Lindzi was like, uhhh shit can't read.
Ben likes that she's a little bit NERDY? What about Courtney gives you the impression that she's nerdy? The fact that she's a model? The fact that she talks a lot of shit? The fact that she's a passive aggressive bunny-boiling psychopath?
And then there's also Courtney There's some sort of weird magical force that sort of pulls us together. Yeah Ben that force has a name, it's called your dick.
Ben, how often were you around cows that you created a game… about calling attention to cows?
Weird Emily Maynard thing:
I'm so happy they decided to use the Bachelorette to show us a 10 minute Titanic advertisement disguised as a Bachelorette promo disguised as a Titanic advertisement.
Like what did Emily Maynard even learn about being the Bachelorette during this shameless product promotion? How to pick out chunky necklaces? How to make irrelevant metaphors about love? How to look retarded in 3D glasses?
Ugh Ashley you're so annoying, did you really just say Jack looks at Rose the same way JP looks at you? Well, the way I look at you is the way most people look at terrorists.
Return of Kasey B:
This little confrontation def did not help her mental stability, nor did the carpet for her inevitable skin rash.
“I couldn't even think I couldn't even try to rationalize why or what happened” what do you mean 'what happened'? You lost the Bachelor.
Then you flew 5000 miles to ask Ben what went wrong. What, they don't have email in the Bible belt? Or maybe her dad took away her comp when he grounded her for a baton twirling fumble.