It’s here. The moment we’ve been waiting for has finally arrived:
Trump is getting impeached ABC has released the cast bios of Arie’s contestants. At first glance, they look just like every other season of The Bachelor: 67 blondes, a handful of brunettes, and a few women of color to protect ABC from a lawsuit celebrate diversity. But they’re so much more than that. Let’s get into each and every one of these contestants.
Ali, 27, Personal Stylist
Ali readily admits to listening to Nickelback, so she’s clearly not in a stable position to be looking for love. She also thinks NYC is the most romantic city in the U.S. Ah yes, nothing like the pervasive smell of urine and people screaming on the street to really get you in the romantic mood! She seems like, fine, though. She describes herself as “adventurous” and “funny, kind, and down to earth.” In other words, she’s extremely boring. But pretty. I’m sure she’ll do fine.
Amber, 29, Business Owner
Here we go with another “business owner”. I’m calling it now, this girl either works for her dad à la Corinne, or she sells Younique makeup or some other bullshit MLM and is constantly posting on Facebook about how “9-to-5 jobs are the real pyramid schemes.” Amber’s favorite actor is Meryl Streep, which is like saying your favorite food is pizza.
Annaliese, 32, Event Designer
Annaliese and her mom have matching star tattoos on their left wrist, so I feel like if she makes it to hometown dates we’re going to see a lot of Annaliese’s mom shadily trying to flirt with Arie. For that reason only, I hope she makes it far. When asked what five things she can’t live without, she said, “I feel like the physical things are food: avocados, cheese, ice cream, but emotionally: love, laughter.” Okay, Annaliese. No need to get all metaphysical on us. Just stick to the material things; that’s why we’re all here.
Ashley, 25, Real Estate Agent
So far Ashley seems the realest out of anyone. Her least favorite household chore is, and I quote, “LAUNDRY! Takes me a whole week from washing to folding and putting it all away.” As for the things she can’t live without? “My family, friends, Spotify, hair straightener and cute clothes.” Honestly, I have no issues here. I accept Ashley.
Becca K., 27, Publicist
It wouldn’t be a season of The Bachelor if we didn’t have more than one Becca. One of the things on Becca’s bucket list is to fall in love. Like, really, Becca? That’s it? Dream big, FFS.
Bekah M., Age Not Listed, Nanny
Okay so first of all, “Bekah”? Are you fucking kidding me with that spelling? Ugh. No. I also find it suspicious that she didn’t list her age, probably because this girl is underage. I mean, look at her. WTF is she wearing, a tinkerbell costume? When asked what she’s most afraid of, Bekah replied, “Losing my support system or being trapped in an unfulfilling life.” Like, wow, okay, who invited Debbie Downer over here? Put down the blunt and just say you’re afraid of snakes or some shit.
Bibiana, 30, Executive Assistant
Bibiana? I’m sorry, is that your name or a brand of adult diapers? When asked if she’s a lover of art, she replied, “Yes. Wish I could be art.” Bitch, are you high? Have you been smoking whatever Bekah is on? Or do you just not understand the question? In response to the question, “How much do you like to go out dancing?” She answered, “Love dancing. Don’t even need to go out to dance!” Like, okay, but that was not the question! Either Bibiana is trying way too fucking hard to seem deep, or she’s just really dumb. Judging by the fact that she wishes she could be an orca because “they keep their fam tight,” I’m going with the latter.
Brianna aka Bri, 25, Sports Reporter
I have a feeling this girl is going to be Arie’s kryptonite. She looks like a pageant girl but probably sees herself as “one of the guys” since she works in sports. If she could be any other person for a day, she would be “an NFL player.” Not a particular one, just any NFL player. K, I suspect she doesn’t understand how football works. Also, her greatest accomplishment to date is “Putting myself together after heartache and winning an Emmy!” I’ll take “Here for the wrong reasons for $1,000,” Alex.
Brittane J., 27, Marketing Manager
No, that’s not a typo. This girl’s name is Brittane. Like, Britain? Brit-ane? Someone please advise. Her guilty pleasure is chocolate milkshakes and being married means “everything” to her. She says, “my life would be complete with being married with a family.” Stage 5 clinger alert.
Brittany T., 30, Tech Recruiter
Oh, hold up, that girl above’s name is pronounced like Brittany? Lord Jesus, fix it. Anyway, Normal Brittany seems a little dead inside—when asked where she meets guys she said “I don’t…jk” and followed that up with, “The past two I’ve met have been through dating apps and they’re terrible human beings,” which is extremely relatable. Her favorite foods are ramen, sushi, pizza, and poke bowls. Brittany T., you can sit with us.
Caroline, 26, Realtor
This lady has a plant named Phil, so please excuse me for a second while I alert the authorities. When asked what hair color she secretly wishes to have (sidenote: who at ABC is getting high and coming up with these questions?), she answered, “I’m pretty into the redhead from Riverdale.” Okay, Caroline, which one though? There are multiple redheads on Riverdale. That’s kind of like, the whole deal with season one. To Caroline, being married means, “Never being too old to be silly or dance in the rain.” People who say shit like this have clearly never danced in the rain, or been outside in it, period. It’s miserable. It’s wet. It’s cold. It’s only fun in the movies.
Chelsea, 29, Real Estate Exec. Assistant
I don’t know why Chelsea couldn’t just say she’s an executive assistant, but had to qualify what industry she’s a secretary in. Nice try. I see you. When asked what non-U.S. city she finds the most romantic, this bitch answered, “Take this girl to France! It’s where all the love stories seem to be based in the fairytales I heard as a little girl.” France is not a city, and Chelsea is everything that’s wrong with the American education system.
Jacqueline, 26, Research Coordinator
Winona Ryder, what are you doing on The Bachelor? Shouldn’t you be filming Stranger Things? Jacqueline is way too smart for this shit. This woman works for a psychiatry research lab and is getting in PhD in chemical psychology (whatever that is). She’s not going to last long. I wonder if she’s ever heard of emotional intelligence…
Jenna, 28, Social Media Manager
Finally someone I can relate to: a millennial named Jenna. Her favorite TV show is Friends, and her ideal man is “funny with a sense of humor.” Okay, so maybe she’s not the brightest bulb.
Jenny, 25, Graphic Designer
We’ve got a blonde Jenna and a blonde Jenny; I hope one of them gets eliminated the first night so I don’t have to try to tell them apart. She’s the second person so far to list Crazy, Stupid Love as one of her favorite movies, which seems odd to me, but whatever. She likes hiking and camping and her favorite fictional character is Lola Bunny because “she’s good at sports and keeps up with the boys,” so I’d bet my life savings that Jenny “doesn’t get along with girls” and “hates drama”.
Jessica, 26, Television Host
God, it’s like ABC didn’t even try to get people who are actually here to find love. A Canadian TV host? Are you fucking kidding me, Mike Fleiss? I’m not even reading Jessica’s bio, out of protest.
Kendall, 26, Creative Director
Props to Kendall for somehow becoming the creative director of anything before her 30th birthday. Please DM me career advice. If she could be any animal, she’d be a bat because it’s a flying mammal. I guess being a bird is just too mainstream? She says she once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train. A quick Google search reveals Kendall was once on Fear Factor. HERE. FOR. THE. WRONG. REASONS.
Krystal, 29, Fitness Coach
Should I just skip to the end of the alphabet? They might as well have written “Krystal, 29, aspiring Instagram model.” If Krystal could be an animal, she’d be a unicorn, because “those who believe in magic will find it.” Ugh, next.
Lauren B., 25, Tech Salesperson
Lauren B. is kind of boring, not unlike a certain other blonde Lauren B. Her guilty pleasure music is “T-Swift,” which she admits is “so basic”. If she could be a fictional character, she’d be Elsa because she’s always wanted to be a Disney princess. I’ve been searching for a personality amongst these answers and I can’t find it, so I’ll be organizing a search party post-haste.
Lauren G., 26, Executive Recruiter
Aside from being a little basic—Lauren has a star tattoo behind her ear and a few finger tattoos—there’s not that much to hate about Lauren G. She dislikes grocery shopping (same), admires Oprah (also same), watches This Is Us (you know what I’m going to say) and doesn’t believe in fairy tale romances, but believes in things being meant to be.
Lauren J., 33, Recent Masters Graduate
First off, there’s too many Laurens. At least one of them has got to go. Second of all, “Recent Masters Graduate” is not an occupation. Like, congrats, but it’s just a fancy way of saying you’re unemployed and in a ton of debt. She’s from Louisiana and I can just tell because as the five things she can’t live without, Lauren J. listed, “Mama, my nephews, porch swings, mascara and love.” I’m sorry, did Taylor Swift write your bio? You know everyone in the world does not have the same collective “Mama,” right?
Lauren S., 31, Social Media Manager
Nope. I will not entertain another Lauren, especially not one who would want to be “literally anyone in Taylor Swift’s girl squad” for a day. Taylor doesn’t even have a squad anymore; it’s pretty much cancelled, LAUREN. Lauren’s favorite author is J.K. Rowling, “because she invented Harry Potter. I’m a nerd.” Spare me. Girls who say they’re nerds for liking Harry Potter are also the type to wear Converse with dresses and call themselves quirky.
Maquel, 23, Photographer
Maquel? What the hell, is this Racquel with an M? I mean, whatever, this girl is pretty basic. Her ideal mate looks like Ryan Gosling, she needs to be fed on dates so she doesn’t get #Hangry (her hashtag use, not mine), and her favorite holiday is Halloween. Actually I’m beginning to think that Maquel is not a real person, but rather, an AI bot planted by the producers to satirize white girls.
Marikh, 27, Restaurant Owner
We have another Meryl Streep lover, and another person who doesn’t understand the concept of fear. Know why? Marikh’s biggest fear is “unfulfilled potential,” and I’m sorry, but no. Unfulfilled potential will never murder you in your sleep. Unfulfilled potential will never put you in imminent danger. Fuck outta here with your fake deep fears. That goes for all of you.
Nysha, 30, Orthopedic Nurse
Honestly the most questionable thing about Nysha is that her favorite TV show is Scandal. Girl. Scandal jumped the shark ages ago. Time to get a new how. Then again, if she could be any fictional character, one of her choices was Willy Wonka, because he had his own chocolate factory. Like, did you see either adaptation? Willy Wonka was a disturbed, lonely man. Think about your life, think about your choices.
Olivia, 23, Marketing Associate
Olivia’s favorite book OF ALL TIME is 50 Shades of Grey, which leads me to believe that she may be illiterate. That’s all I have to say at this time.
Seinne, 27, Commercial Real Estate Manager
One of the things Seinne cannot live without is the ocean. Um, okay. How often are you going to the ocean, really, that you cannot live without it? Should I have someone come check on you to make sure you’re still alive after filming? Seinne’s favorite holiday is New Year’s Eve, which leads me to believe that she is a serial killer. No sane person enjoys spending hundreds of dollars to barely move in an overcrowded club and fight the bartender for your one free glass of champagne.
Tia, 26, Physical Therapist
Tia has some weird tattoos—notably, the words “Mama & Papa” on her left foot and “Peace” on her right foot. What are you trying to say? Your mom and dad need peace? Is peace somehow the opposite of Mama & Papa? I’m very confused. Watch, the first 10 seconds on screen she’ll reveal she’s an orphan, and I’ll be the biggest asshole on the internet.
Valerie, 25, Server
Valerie is clearly just here to collect her SugarBearHair check and bounce, which I semi respect. Honestly, though, her biggest fear is the deep ocean because “there’s so much about it we don’t know,” and FUCKING FINALLY. Someone with a real fear that I also share, meaning I’m not alone. Valerie lives in Nashville, aka the Bachelor reject capitol of the nation, so I’m thinking she’ll get kicked off pretty early on, go back home, and start dating like, Luke or somebody.