NBC’s This Is Us is one of the best shows on television. Don’t trust us strictly based on our past experience of being right about everything. Trust us on our tears.
This show will give you all of the damn feels—from sobbing uncontrollably to laughing, and then back to sobbing uncontrollably (but happy tears this time). In the same vein as shows like Parenthood and Friday Night Lights, This Is Us interweaves the mostly happy, moderately fucked up lives of family members and friends. And, without giving away any spoilers, the show has also managed to make me knock over several glasses of wine in surprise. But it’s so good, I’m not even mad.
This Is Us is great in the fact that not all of its characters conform to the conventional standards of beauty. The characters deal with real shit, like racism and weight loss and self-doubt, and the show producers don’t try and tie it up in a pretty package. It addresses the uncomfortable stuff (like, am I a super shitty parent? Am I a psychopath girlfriend?) but manages to do it without making the viewers feel uncomfortable. Fucking genius.
Added bonus is that Milo Ventimiglia (aka Jess Mariano) appears shirtless pretty regularly. And Mandy Moore singing is a flashback to the Princess Diaries—back before we hated Anne Hathaway, of course. And Toby is a really damn good boyfriend and every girl deserves a Toby in her life. And William spews wisdom so magical he’s basically Harry Potter. And everything is just so good that if I had any emotions (which betches obviously don’t) I would tear up just thinking about it.
With the second season premiering TOMORROW, you need to get your friend’s boyfriend’s dog’s roommate’s Hulu password and binge This Is Us. It has literally managed to get better each episode, so lawd only knows what the second season will bring. Besides tears.
ICYMI, John Legend and Chrissy Teigen are not only the hottest couple on the face of the planet, but they are also the fucking greatest parents ever. And while we’re all super happy that their adorable daughter Luna exists so we can watch her become the first female president after beating Barron Trump in the 2048 election, but honestly, Luna should share her parents. Like, you’re already in the Lucky Sperm Club, so why not fucking share already (“fucking share already,” btw, will be Luna’s campaign slogan.) But until Luna decides to stop being so damn selfish, the rest of us will have to just pretend we’re members of the Teigen-Legend fam by living vicariously through their instagrams. Just like you do with your ex and his new fiancée.
1. Mommy-Daughter Private Plane Trips
At the age of 25, I still have never ridden on a private plane. In fact, I’ve never not ridden on a plane that was oversold by 100 seats and full of a thousand angry farts. You can bet no salty-ass flight attendant is forcing Luna to check a bag or throw away her expensive AF shampoo because it’s four ounces instead of three. Plus no judgey side eyes for Luna for just trying to calm her nerves with a third Champagne-and-Xanax. Luna has beaten me in virtually every aspect of life at the ripe age of one.
2. Private Piano Lessons
Rather than waste her time spitting into a school-bought clarinet, Luna Simone Stephens (bc her last name is Stephens, apparently) receives private music lessons from her Grammy award-winning father. Sorry, other kids! Have fun learning the recorder. Could you imagine having a piano teacher that was even one ounce as hot as John Legend? I’d have been so focused on my piano playing that I’d probably be playing concert halls right now. Instead, the only musical training I get is when I drunkenly request “I Will Always Love You” at karaoke and realize halfway through that I am in no way qualified to sing it.
3. Access To An Incredible Closet
Chrissy Teigen has access to all of the hottest designers and skimpiest clothes. It’s only right to have that same privilege as her beloved daughter. Given the way fashion is cyclical, in the time it takes for Luna to become an adult person with thoughts and opinions, all her mom’s hottest looks should be coming back into fashion. All we have to do is wait 20 years and we can see all of Chrissy’s classic looks again. And then also start crying because we’re old.
4. Box Seats At Every Meaningless Sports Game
DGAF about sports, TBH, but if you’re forced to attend a sports event, box seats seem decent. They’re definitely better than sitting in the nosebleeds with some Tinder bro and having beer spilled on your for three hours. Not that that’s ever happened to me…
Luna is also in the perfect position to catch the eye of some hot AF NBA player and be set for the rest of her life. Well, more set for the rest of her life. You know what, actually Luna, you don’t need to marry a hot NBA player. Save some opportunities for the rest of us!
5. Holy Fuck, The Food
Legitimately would get so fat with Chrissy Teigen as a mother but DON’T FUCKING CARE. Besides, whatever food Chrissy is making must be magic because she eats all of it and never gains a single pound. There’s probably some Teigen family secret shit going on here that will be passed down to Luna on her 13th birthday or some shit. Like, you’re seriously going to tell me that this woman eats pizza every day, just pushed a baby out of her vag, and still has the body she does? That is some witchcraft shit. Let me into your skinny coven! Please!
6. So Much Love In This Club
The only better thing in this life than having rich parents is having rich parents that legitimately like each other. Or at least buy each other really fucking expensive and nice flowers. Unlike most celebrity children, we can’t even manage our jealousy over her perfect life by reminding ourselves that her parents only got married because their agents said they should, or that TMZ just caught them both cheating on each other with Instagram models. Nope. All signs point to John Legend and Chrissy Teigen being in love and devoted to eachother, despite the plethora of hot people who are probably trying to pull them apart daily. Luna will have the benefits of parents who modeled a loving, respectful relationship for her, making her more likely to have a loving, respectful relationship in the future. They say that money can’t buy you happiness, but here these fuckers are, rich and happy. So fucking unfair.
7. Learning How To Cook Like A Betch
Again, it cannot be stressed enough how good Chriss Teigen’s cooking is. You don’t have a mom who is a pop culture cooking sensation and not learn how to cook, right? Lemon arugula spaghetti, chicken pot pie with pie crust crackers, fried chicken wings with honey butter, these are just some of Chrissy’s recipes which I imagine she intends to pass on to her offspring. You know Luna is going to be that friend who shows up to a potluck with some gourmet mini hamburgers that put your cold cheesy potatos to shame.
8. Let’s Talk About The Food Some More
Did we mention that Chrissy Teigen and John Legend as parents would lead to a gluttonous feast? Just checking.
9. Learn How To Be A Betch From An OG Betch
Chrissy Teigen has shut down the game on Twitter before Twitter was even cool. Could you imagine learning how to throw shade from this sorceress? Chrissy Teigen has absolutely zero fucks to give, and will likely pass this amazing quality onto her child. Ugh. Makes my heart hurt with longing.
10. This Gene Pool
I volunteer as tribute to bathe in this gene pool.
John and Chrissy, if you’re reading this, we will accept all adoption requests via Twitter or personal invitation. Please and thank you.
Logging on to social media today consists of scrolling through pictures of dogs doing cute shit, engagement photos, weird fucking memes, racist posts from people in your Trump-supporting hometown, and an inexplicable showcase of really, fucking godawful grammar.
There are obvi more egregious offenses on social media than the occasional confusion of “your” and “you’re,” but it’s really just unbelievable that Americans are so incapable of fundamental English—especially when those same Americans accuse immigrants of not speaking English. But that’s for a different letter. I mean, really, have you ever checked out the comments on a celebrity’s Instagram?
“Your the worst.”
“They’re really aren’t any reasons you should have done that plastic surgery on you’re body”
“Chrissy Teigen, you can do whatever you want weather or not I like you.”
1. I was really hoping 2017 would bring about a new generation of people commenting on celebrity social media platforms who don’t actually expecting a response.
2. HOW do you fucking idiots not know basic grammar?
There’s honestly nothing worse than hitting it off with a bro at a bar and getting a text the next morning that says something to the effect of “your something else lol.” Charlie from the University of Wisconsin, you are now dead to me.
Let’s assume that (unfortunately) most of the individuals in our great country posting these innocuous messages have some form of formal education. In the 2012-2013 school year, the United States had an 81 percent high school graduation rate, its highest ever. Inevitably, a portion of these graduates are receiving a diploma without a basic knowledge of English grammar.
Before you write me off as a huge raging bitch, I’ll concede there are certain rules that I am perfectly fine with my creepy uncle never mastering in his Facebook rants. The proper use of “who” and “whom,” for example. I don’t give a shit.
But the next person who tries to diss me with a “your the bitch comment”….I’ll realistically do nothing, but I’ll continue to be really fucking annoyed.
If Ross from Friends can sum up the difference between “your” and “you’re” in one fucking sentence, your ass should have figured it out in the two-plus decades you’ve been alive. Honestly, the fact that Rachel fucked it up in her 18-page letter should’ve been all the reason Ross needed to walk away from her and never look back, but we’re not here to critique the merits of one of the greatest shows of all time. But for all of you who are grammatically challenged:
Now get YOUR shit together.
There are holidays that every betch regularly celebrates: New Year’s Eve, Skanksgiving, any religious holiday we can use to get out of work, etc. These holidays ensure a chance to drink to the point of near liver failure, or serve merely as an excuse to Day Drink. TBH these days, a new episode of The Bachelor is one hundo p a reason to celebrate with a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc. But if you want don’t want to be labeled as an alcoholic by your friends/family/therapist there are actually days to drink with less shame. They may be completely arbitrary and fake holidays, however, that you need to add to your calendar like, yesterday, because they all involve wine. And anything that involves wine is a great fucking reason to celebrate. Jot down the dates of these official wine holidays, and stock up on your wine in preparation.
We would also just like to point out that just because many of these holidays celebrate a specific wine doesn’t mean that you necessarily have to follow it to a T. Like, if you don’t want to drink red wine on National Red Wine Day because it falls on August 28th and what kind of monster drinks red wine in the summer, we’re not going to judge you. So long as you celebrate with some type of fermented grape, you’re doing the right thing.
February 18: National Drink Wine Day
We just missed this one (sad!), but mark it for next year. Any holiday that’s dedicated to drinking wine specifically—as opposed to swirling it around in your glass and pretending to know shit about it, I guess—is an automatic yes in our books. Is “National Drink Wine Day” basically just every Monday night for me? Maybe, but who asked you, mom?
April 24: Sauvignon Blanc Day
Good for all of you Kim Crawford lovers out there. Sauvignon Blanc Day was created in 2010 specifically to encourage consumption of this delicious white wine. So, drink up.
May 9: World Moscato Day
This holiday is even newer, with its humble beginnings originating in 2012. This holiday was actually founded by a winery (Gallo Family Vineyards) and its moscato production has risen 2 percent since. So yeah, another great holiday (and marketing ploy). But we’re not mad. Maybe call out of work the next day so you can tend to your inevitable sugar hangover.
May 25: National Wine Day
If you don’t know what a holiday called “National Wine Day” entails, you definitely can’t fucking sit with us.
May 26: National Chardonnay Day
A personal favorite, this floating holiday is designed for you to celebrate it in tandem with Memorial Day. So break out the Kendall Jackson and get ready to spend a weekend drowning in wine. For the troops—or whatever Memorial Day celebrates.
June 11 (and/or/and August 14th): National Rosé Wine Day
Rosé all fucking day. A wine so special, it deserves two dates for optimal celebration.
Will You Accept This Rosé? Buy our rosé tank here!
July 25: National Wine and Cheese Day
Wine and cheese: the greatest food pairing in the history of time (it’s a scientific fact). Naturally, this is a great excuse to eat all of the cheese and chase it with all of the wine. Just don’t do it in that fucking gross cheese-y wine shooter. Buy some brie like a goddamn adult.
August 4: National White Wine Day
Moscato, Pinot Grigio, Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc. The more, the merrier to celebrate.
August 28: National Red Wine Day
We really don’t discriminate against any varietal of wine, even if it’s not exactly seasonally appropriate.
November 4: National Wine Tasting Day
How does this differ from National Drink Wine Day? I really have no clue, but then again, why am I complaining? Carry on, nothing to see here.
November 7: International Merlot Day
This one is going global. Around the world, raise your glass to all of our alcoholic soul sisters. Then, pour one out for them because apparently America is the only country that gets not one, but 13 ways to celebrate our favorite drink.
December 31: Champagne Day
Definitely not a coincidence this falls on New Years Eve. Now we just have to get national boozy brunch day to become a thing…
The world is a fucking weird place. Someone at Taco Bell corporate has decided it would be a great idea for tourists to get married in its flagship Las Vegas restaurant, because nothing screams romance like a bouquet of hot sauce and a gordita crunch after a night of Molly.
Seriously, though. The Taco Bell in Las Vegas will start charging drunk assholes $600 to get married in its classy establishment. Worried about getting married with cashiers and coked-out bros around? Don’t be. The “cantina” variation of this Taco Bell naturally comes with a chapel enclosed in its hallowed walls, and even an officiant standing by to make all of your drunk decisions are permanent in the eyes of the law. Just what we’ve always wanted.
The $600 ceremony includes a Taco Bell garter, bow tie, sauce packet bouquet, “Just Married” T-shirts and Taco Bell-branded Champagne flutes. It gets better! The lucky couple will also be treated to a 12-pack of tacos as their first married meal, with a decadent dessert of the classic Cinnabon Delights Wedding Cake.
If you’re ready to sign the dotted line ASAP, slow your fucking roll. Not only is this disgusting wedding package not available until summer 2017, you’re also an idiot. Reevaluate your life decisions, and maybe consider getting married anywhere in the fucking world except Taco Bell. And then thank us later.
It’s official. After 33 seasons of pretending that only middle-class white men and women want love in this world, ABC has finally cast a black Bachelorette in 31-year-old attorney Rachel Lindsay. For any other show, this wouldn’t be a big deal. But this is the show that fucking brought us wholesome farmer Chris from the cornfields of Iowa. This is the show that catapulted lily-white Ben from Colorado into stardom—and even made him consider running for a Republican Congress seat. In other words, this has historically been a show that celebrates whiteness in all its diverse forms: white pilots, white ATO brothers from Michigan, white winery owners, etc.
Anyway, for Bachelor Nation, Rachel being the Bachelorette is a huge fucking deal. And probably a huge fucking slap in the face to the Trump supporters who watch.
To be fair, it’s not like The Bachelor and Bachelorette completely avoided people of color (technically). The producers dutifully sprinkled in one or two black contestants in the early seasons, and the country pretended to act shocked when they were booted within the first two episodes. That’s not some made up shit: legit, 59% of black Bachelorette and Bachelor contestants in the show’s history have been sent home in the first two weeks.
But then, ABC got handed a class action discrimination lawsuit by two black men who had auditioned, and suddenly there were more black contestants, and they were making it further into the show’s history than ever before. We’re sure those two events are completely unrelated.
Shade aside, let’s make one thing fucking clear: Rachel is the tits. And she’s way too good for Nick, so good on fucking her for transitioning from final four contestant to the next Bachelorette. That’s awesome. And we can’t wait to watch her pretend to find love before realizing it is nearly impossible to find lasting love on a fucking reality show.
The joke is on every other person who has watched this season of The Bachelor and not realized we were getting set up. ABC found its perfect contestant: She’s beautiful, smart, fun, and from a wealthy family. And apparently only at this point did ABC feel that it was finally time—after 15 years—to have a black Bachelorette. It’s definitely because the producers felt this so strongly, and not because they realized nobody GAF about Nick’s season, that they decided to announce it to the world before she’s even off of the show.
And even better? They asked her while she was still on the show. Rachel let it slip on Jimmy Fallon that “It wasn’t that long before I got off the show that I was approached. But I honestly thought they were doing it just to make me feel better from the heartbreak. And then, as it kept going, I actually realized they were serious about this thing.”
So way to go, ABC. I’m not going to propose anything as ridiculous as #BoycottTheBachelorette, because I’m sure the Trump supporters will take care of that for us. We’re obvi going to watch Rachel because she’s actually amazing. But don’t expect my congratulations for finally embracing diversity. It only took about 30 seasons too long.
As Valentine’s Day approaches—which TBH is the worst holiday in American fucking history—many single betches have turned to moments of self-doubt. Why are we single? Are we too clingy? Do we just need to lose those last five pounds? Are we as unlovable as our ex says?
Shut the fuck up with all of your self-pity, because a new survey shows that the reason you’re probs single is more innocent than we all may think: your cracked phone. According to the annual Singles in America survey, 86% of millennials are turned off by a cracked phone screen. The survey didn’t mention what percentage of millennials have a cracked phone screen, but I’d bet my next paycheck that it’s the same. You hypocrites.
It’s not just your inability to hold your phone for more than 5 minutes without dropping it on the ground that’s keeping you single, though—the survey revealed that millennials are pretty fucking picky with phone behavior in general. 75% of singles hate it if a date answers his or her phone during a date (duh), and they really don’t even like if the date has an old phone (also understandable). In more petty news, if you type with the clicking noises turned on, that’s another strike. The more you know.
But even before the first date, millennials are totally judging their future dates’ social media posts, which obvi we support. Nothing like a little stalking to get the hormones flowing. 58% of singles are turned off by any open complaining on Facebook, 42% of singles are judging you on your social media posts in general (v helpful), and 39% are judging you on your grammar. Honestly, we are here for this—it’s 2017, I think the world should know the fucking difference between “your” and “you’re.”
There is some good news in this giant survey, which was put together by the Match dating service, btw (yes, that Match). Our generation is completely fine with having sex way before any other generation. Remember that “no sex until the third date” rule that Carrie Bradshaw tried to instill in our susceptible and naive minds? Nope, not millennials. We’re actually fine with having sex before the first date—how that works exactly, we’re not totally sure. 34% of singles have had sex before a first date, and millennials are 48% more likely to have sex before a first date. Whether that means you fucked a guy and then made him get drinks with you afterwards so you’d feel like less of a slut, you went home with him and then got brunch the next morning and are calling it a date on a technicality, or some other scenario, we can’t say for sure.
Anyway, the moral of the story is, all single people are judgmental and picky and Valentine’s Day sucks.
Gotta love modern medicine. According to a new study, a new form of male contraceptive has been successfully trialed on a group of 16 monkeys and prevented pregnancies for over two years of testing.
The new contraceptive—aka male birth control—is like a vasectomy, but less invasive. No snipping, if you will. The scientists injected the monkeys with a gel called “Vaselgel” that blocks sperm from escaping the body. Plus, it’s a 100% reversible procedure, although Michael Scott will still tell you it’s not altogether pleasant.
The male monkeys were each given the injection and released to live with
all the little birdies female monkeys for an entire two year breeding season. TBH, this is more information than I’ve ever wanted to know about the monkey reproductive cycle. Anyway, these monkeys were fucking chilling and didn’t get any of these single, independent female monkeys pregnant even with all that casual sex on the reg.
Before you go throwing your birth control away, Vaselgel hasn’t been tested on humans (yet). But it’s now been trialed successfully on monkeys and rabbits with no side effects and no pregnancies, so it sounds like the greatest fucking gift to mankind ever. The makers of the gel, the Parsemus Foundation, are testing on humans next and anticipate releasing the treatment on the market next year. This mean’s we’re one step closer to to turning the tables on that fuckboy so we can ask “are you on the gel?” before he tries to get it in.