Asparagus: Veggie Of A Balanced Betchy Diet

Oh asparagus- virtually calorie-free veggie part of any betch's culinary rotation; especially those of us on the steamed vegetable diet who really wanna lose three pounds.

But if you don't know how to properly prepare these springy green spears, you're going to be eating limp lifeless stalks of sadness, and that's not okay with us. Your grandmother probably prepared asparagus by boiling or steaming it to death, which results in a grayish “vegetable” not worthy of sharing the table with a plump roast chicken or even as a topping for eggs Benedict during hungover recovery sessions. We say roasting is the way to go, as it is with most veggies. It tastes better, stays crisper, and goes well solo or mixed into some betchy quinoa or even pasta (which you can eat like, once a month tops).

When you or the hired help go to the grocery store, you want to look for spears of asparagus that are bright green, standing in a bit of water (or freshly spritzed), and firm to the touch. When you choose your bunch (which will be more expensive if it isn't in season) and get them home, you need to pick one lucky spear out of the group. Take this spear and hold each end between your index finger and thumb and bend until the asparagus spear snaps naturally. Wherever it breaks is where you need to chop the whole bunch. You'll want to either freeze those woody ends for soup or discard them, as they're too tough to roast. 

For Roasting:

Preheat the oven to 375F. Get a baking sheet and lay out the asparagus tops. Drizzle with olive oil, salt, and fresh cracked black pepper.  Roast the asparagus for about 10-15 minutes. When a spear is easily pierced with a fork, those bitches are ready. That's it. They're fucking done and they're fucking delicious.

For Blanching:

And because we're equal opportunity cooks, we'll humor you with how to blanch your asparagus, which is like, runner-up to roasted:

Follow steps through snapping the asparagus (literally bend and snap). Add the tops to a pot of boiling water (a deep frying pan works best). Cook for 2-3 minutes or until the asparagus is bright green. Remove the asparagus from the pan and either place into a bowl of ice water or run under cold water to stop the cooking process. Done. Season with salt and pepper and maaaybe a drizzle of olive oil.

Once the asparagus are done, you can either eat as a side, dinner, or chop your stalks and add them to the below twisted Caprese recipe, betches:

  • 2 tbsps sun-dried tomatoes, chopped
  • 2 tbsps marinated artichoke hearts, chopped
  • 1 beefsteak tomato, chopped
  • 1/4 cup fresh mozzarella (not the pre-shredded salty shit), chopped
  • 1/4 fresh herbs (basil, oregano, thyme, and parsley make a fab combo), finely chopped
  • 1/2 bunch roasted or blanched asparagus, chopped
  • 2 handfuls baby arugula
  • Lemon juice
  • Extra virgin olive oil
  • salt and pepper

Combine all of the above. Drizzle with olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper to taste. Duh.

We recommend making asparagus for Thanksgiving and eating it slowly while starting at all the fatasses loading on helpings two and three of super fried mayonnaise casserole and butter-flavored mashed potatoes.


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