Ask a Pro: Quickie Edition

Today we're doing something called “Ask a Pro: Quickie Edition,” mostly because I needed to clean out my inbox. Most of these are semi-legitimate questions that just didn't make the cut, or were too stupid to otherwise warrant a response. Enjoy.

Dear Head Pro,

What is a pro's opinion of a girl who is willing to go home with him on the first night they meet but won't go past 2nd base — just a tease?  Can she be girlfriend potential or is she just a casual make-out sesh that you'll make sure not to call again?


Just a tease?

Because I’m an adult, I’m not even sure what 2nd base is. I know 1st is kissing and 3rd involves non-coital genital manipulation, but I’m fuzzy on 2nd base. Is it boob touching? I think if we went on a date and the night ended with a topless makeout sesh, you’re 15 and I should be looking over my shoulder for Chris Hansen.

Hey. So, obviously there's a lot of concern amongst Betches about staying thin. You know, so we can casually lick vodka out of each others' clavicles, wear as little clothing as possible to the bar, and never step foot into Macy's.

I know what Betches think about skinny, but I want a Pro's perspective. What do you think about small girls? At what point does skinny become too skinny? I don't think I look unhealthy and I have a chest (I mean, Hef's never going to hire me but it's proportional to my body), but I don't feel all that “womanly.” Do Pros find Kate Moss as sexy as Betches do?



Hey. You realize you can't humblebrag when your email is anonymous, right? Speaking of which, nice pseudonym. 1998 called, and they want their TV show references back. Also, much like “Daria”, no guy has thought Kate Moss is hot for like 15 years. Unless Pete Doherty counts (he doesn't).

Okay so I know you don’t like high school students sending shit in – no offense taken because I wouldn’t either. Let’s be honest, we’re all trying too hard and way to fucking young to care about most of these issues. But I have a question to ask.

I’m definitely a pretty betch but not necessarily a hot betch which isn’t really my problem considering I already like planned my pre-college nose job, but I’ve been feeling really awkward with one of my guy friend’s recently and I don’t know what to do.

He was hooking up with my best friend last year and then they hooked up again this year but then ended it because she was getting into something serious with somebody else and didn’t want to lose their friendship. Afterwards, we all went out together and she drunkenly told him that she thought he and I should hook up. He’s really funny and a great catch… just not for me. I don’t think he’s very into me either especially since he’s been acting odd ever since that night! We don’t know each other that well but we used to get along great until she said this! What should I do?


Helpless Highschool Betch

P.S. Sorry about those skanky betches who try to send you nasty nudes. They should have known a real betch doesn’t need to sink so low to try and get a guys attention. Obvi the headpro is better than that.

So, you don’t want to hook up with this guy, and he doesn’t want to hook up with you, but you aren’t sure what to do? Jesus, I’ve heard of kids being influenced by peer pressure, but this is incredible. Let’s simplify it. Say that you do not want to eat a cheeseburger for lunch, and your friend has no interest in making you a cheeseburger. What would happen? That’s right, no cheeseburgers. Also, what the fuck does your pre-college nose job have to do with any of this?

P.S. 1) That was a joke, sorry if you didn’t get that. 2) What exactly is a “nasty nude”? Are you a copywriter for a Vegas strip club? Is it nasty looking girls sending me nude photos, or is it just regular nude girls sending photos of them doing nasty things? Because if it’s the latter, in no universe am I in any way above that.

Dear Pro,

I won't bore you with the specifics of this boy I've been dating, and my question is pretty simple. So I'll just get straight to it: When you first start dating a new guy, when is it OK to have sex without him thinking you're a slut or labeling you as strictly a fuck buddy? I'd imagine, in the end, it all depends on the certain situation, but what are guys' general thoughts on this?


Ready to Get Laid

I won’t bore you with the specifics of basic human interaction, but after a certain age, fucking someone is kind of the point of dating them. It depends on what you mean by “first” start dating. The first 10 minutes? That’s probably ill-advised. First 10 days? Yeah, go for it. First 10 months? If you haven’t done it by now, one or both of you is gay, or you should both go off to seminary school.

So theres this guy n he obviously is into me. He intially asked for my number. He tells me all the time how cool and amazing,etc he thinks i am. Well im in a relationship and i think he may be concerned that this is gonna get me hurt or something. Anyways so we slept together and he makes a comment to my friend how he worrys about what might happen to me if my boyfriend found out. Then he apologized for being to forward n said he was sorry n liked our friendship the way it is. Then today makes a comment about how wonderful,sweet i am and that im such a good friend. Is he just not into me anymore, or is it that he cares n doesn't want anything to happen to me? Im confused. I really like this dude but what the hell? Is he scared because he caught feelings or what do u think?

Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android

I hate this. So much. Yes, the guy who openly sexed you when you had a boyfriend is clearly worried about the emotional wellbeing of others. And how much can you “really like this dude”? More than, I don’t know, your boyfriend? I do award you points for likening feelings to STDs and pregnancy as something that can be “caught” however.

I don’t know what any of the words in the bottom line mean.

Dear Head Pro–

I'll try to make this short: girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl thinks boy likes her, boy asks girl to essentially be a matchmaker for him and try to find him a date, girl (sadly) agrees, girl still likes boy. I know the answer seems to be obvious: he's just not that into you. But I beg to differ, this guy really seems to be! We email back and forth constantly, and at Barrister's Ball (i.e. law school prom) we sat and talked together, like the whole time. The point is Pro, I really like this guy–even though he told the girl I tried to hook him up with that he doesn't want to date girls at his law school because he likes privacy. Even if you don't think he's that into me, how could I possibly make him like me?


Forever Alone

So you take exchanging emails (how romantic!) and “talking” all night at Law School Prom (ie the easiest place to get laid in the world) as a sign of his desire to boink you, despite literally every other thing he does that isn’t? Awesome, it wouldn’t be Valentine’s Day if we didn’t close with a delusional dater. You want to “make him like you”, is that how you think this new technology called “love” works? Think of it the other way – is there anything I could do to “make” you like me? Trick question, of course I could.

If you want to try, suggestions include being less of whatever it is he doesn’t like about you, be it less ugly, less desperate, or less delusional.


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