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Head Pro,

I'm in a bit of a conundrum. So I hooked up with a guy knowing he was sleeping with one of my sorority sisters at the same time. They were not dating, but she was under the assumption that they were not seeing other people, let alone he was sleeping with one of her sisters. Fast forward to the summer and me and this now ex-frat star were back in our home town hooking up on the reg. Our situation went from being just physical to him getting emo on me saying he misses me, inviting me on vacay, and other non-fuck buddy type stuff. He knew I knew all about his situation with her and did nothing to hide it, even going so far as to throw it in my face. So we would get in these huge fights but would make up because he would apologize and make me laugh then give me a fantastic orgasm.

We left our situation on reasonable terms for how fucked up it actually was. For whatever reason I decide to develop a conscience, and feel guilty for being involved with such a sketch-ball situation. I drunkenly text him about how this guilt is really fucking me up and I get no response. Then get a text the next day saying he was in town (visiting her) and really wanted to “hump through his hangover.” I was livid and responded by blocking his number and the like, and that I was going to tell her everything. However, I decided not to because they were “done” and I did not see any point in starting unnecessary drama.

It's now a month later and him and the girl are fb official. But here's where my problem comes in- since he's a jobless loser he's visiting her frequently. Which means he's sleeping in my. house. with. her. (Besides the point, pretty sure this is the meanest thing a guy has ever done to me). Well obviously I don't feel comfortable in this situation and don't want to have to deal with seeing him every other weekend, when I'm trying to move on with my life. So what the fuck do I do? Tell her everything and hope that it breaks them up? (which would result in me getting blacklisted and me being labeled the token slut in the house) Or suffer silently and hope that everything works itself out, however un-betchy that may be?


There's An Eskimo in the Srat House

Dear Eskimo,

Fuck this guy. I’m usually all about my fellow bros and pros owning vacation homes in pound town, but this guy’s different for a few reasons. Before I get into any of that though, I hope you've at least learned your lesson. There's not going to be a way out of this that doesn't result in someone hating you, which you kind of asked for by banging a guy you knew full-well was also banging your housemate. That said, fuck this guy:

For one thing, it’s not like this guy was running a well-executed ho-tation with several girls he was seeing casually. Instead, he essentially had two girlfriends. Having one is bad enough, so why anyone would want two is beyond me, but he did. And instead of being slick about it, he conducted himself with the grace of a drunken amputee, throwing it in your face while somehow keeping it from the other girl.

Secondly, like you said this guy’s now a freeloading, jobless loser. There’s nothing wrong with not having a job, per se, but if you’re unemployed there are probably better things to do with your time than lounge around a sorority house on the weekends. He probably wifed her up on facebook because, being a jobless loser, it gives him some sense of security and control.

Here’s what I would do: Don’t just tell her. Go in your phone and save every single text message you have and put them in an email. Then send it to everyone. Her, the other girls, him, etc. The only way for you to avoid being shamed is to make it clear just how repugnant this guy is. She may still hate you for it, and rightly so, but all you can be is apologetic. Commiserate with her by bonding over how shady and manipulative he is.

This isn’t the same as last week’s Sexts and Subtext, where a girl felt duped and wanted revenge. This is an issue of someone making your living situation a nightmare, so my advice is to act.

Eskimo Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Also, I'm a girl.. not a gay, although that could be an excellent next career endeavor for you (my name often causes some confusion). I absolutely adore your column. I have an issue that I'm sure many betches struggle with:

I broke up with my lame/small-penised/not THAT good looking boyfriend who wants my job while I was living the dream in Europe this summer. Now that I'm back he's already got an, albeit less cute, exclusive girlfriend. I don't want him back (the break up was about 2 years overdue) but it's still a downer on my otherwise stellar life. I'm doing all of the right things on paper (not answering his calls & texts, dating other people, throwing myself into work/hanging out with friends, blah blah blah) so why does this still sting?

Please slap some sense into me/scream insanities at me/ whatever needs to be done.


Constantly surrounded by professional athletes hitting on me but stuck on my douchebag ex-boyfriend

Dear [not even going to touch that],

It’s worth noting that her real name is a traditionally male one, which of course I omitted because I’m classy as fuck. Not to brag, but I own a wine decanter. Like I said, classy. Also, if you’re implying that being gay would be an excellent career move for me, you’re probably right, although I think what that would entail would possibly be illegal. If instead you’re insinuating that working at ESPN, like you do, would be a good move, well then you have my email and I’m all ears. They could probably use an advice columnist.

Your issue is that you’re lucky in life, but not in love. You could be a hotter and richer version of Erin Andrews and your ex could be homeless, but seeing him cuddling blissfully with his new girl under a bridge or in a cardboard box would still hurt. It’s just the way of the world. People, as a rule, don’t do well when it comes aggregating and viewing their life circumstances as a whole, so we compartmentalize them. So you have everything else going for you (including being single and free), but you see your ex with someone and you think “that’s not fair”.

It’s fine to do all the right things “on paper”, but they’re not going to help much until you start doing them for real and quit trying so hard. Instead of ignoring his text message and thinking “haha, that’ll show him”, just fucking delete it and carry on with what you were doing. You need to take your ex out of the frame in which you see all of your other activities to truly move on.

Sporting Kisses,

Head Pro


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