This week on Ask a Pro: Time for some tough love
Dear Head Pro,
I recently paid a visit to my high school boyfriend (who has become one of my best friends) at his school, which is only half an hour away from me, and spent the night. We started drinking and well… You can guess how it ended. We didn't have sex (I was on the monthly) but decided that next time I visited we should. He had been hooking up with some chick on his floor but she'd been blowing him off, so he decided that he was done with her before we hooked up.
During the last few weeks we've been talking, and he eventually admitted to me that he hooked up with her again. I told him we weren't gonna get it on if he's still with her, because I didn't want to get in between that. He said he'd talk to her the next week, but when I talked to him again he said they'd been hooking up a lot and he still didn't know what was going on. I told him that it wasn't gonna happen, and got mad at him for leading me on. He claims he thought it was a one-time thing and that he doesn't want to ruin what he has going with the girl at school. Even still, we both admitted we still have feelings for each other. I still want to get with him, but I don't want to be the back-up plan to this girl he wants to be with. What should I do?
almost there or second best?
Dear Almost There or Second Best?,
Ok, let’s pump the brakes a little. First of all, cool it with the high school boyfriend shit. I don’t care if his campus is only 30 yards away from yours, you have a whole new student body to get to know and shouldn’t be wasting your time with someone you were dating when sex meant that both of you were technically committing statutory rape. And if you haven’t had sex yet and were planning on making him the lucky recipient of your v-card, you might as well just drop out of school and get a job at Wal-Mart because that’s what most college-age people who are still fucking with their high school flames are doing now anyway. It doesn’t seem like he’s had a problem moving on, so maybe follow his lead.
It sounds to me like you kind of drew up an agreement in your head that he wasn’t full privy to, and now you’re mad at him for not holding up his end of the bargain he doesn’t even know he’s part of. He wasn’t “leading you on”, per se, because it’s not like he was screwing her behind your back. In fact, he’s been kind of shockingly forthcoming with everything. This bro has a lot to learn about what my bros and I affectionately refer to as “effective ho-tation management”. Although maybe not, since he tells you everything yet you’re still trying to get with him. Maybe he knows something I don’t.
Look, you gave it a shot, stood up for yourself, and made your requirements clear. That’s all good work on your part, and just about all anyone can ask of you. Let him have his fun with the new chick, and set your sights on your own campus.
High School Kisses,
So here is my problem. The first time I lost my virginity, as a junior in high school, I was raped. No, I wasn't not that dumb bitch who cried wolf for the sake of attention and to get an asshole in trouble, I was legitimately raped. In college, I met someone that I became really good friends with first and then started hooking up with. It became exclusive and I explained after he told me that he wanted something serious what had happened about over a year previous because I trusted him. I dated him for about a year, only to have it end in an epic fail of me finding out he cheated on me for half the amount of time we were together. Unbetchy and shitty indeed.
So, I decided to take care of myself. I went to the gym like 5 times a week, met a shitton of new people, got my grades up, ate/ have been eating healthy, etc. I've gotten a job that pays really well, I'm in the best shape of my life, I have great friends from my school, work, and back home who know how to have fun. So yes, it has been just gravy getting my shit together to say the least. But now that everything in my social and academic life is in order, why can't I convince myself it is OKAY to have some have some fun with guys? How like, not normal is that?
I have had a few guys say that they like me, both guy friends that I am super close with and others not so much. Either way, I have always been skeptical. It's been easy for me to rationalize in some way that they were just being drunk and trying to say something to get into my pants/ that talk is extremely fucking cheap/ bottom line in my mind, the guy is probably full of shit. Whether I'm sober or drunk, I convince myself not to hook up with someone. I know this isn't normal, but I want to be over my past, soooooo how do I kick out these blocks in my head? How can I just accept someone for who they are and have a good time with them? Also, am I an asshole on some level to guys?
You got giving advice on lock. Do what you do best and tell it like it is.
Dear Too Independent?,
After reading this over several times, my response is this: Boo fucking hoo. Lest you think I’m just being an asshole, here’s why:
Item one, rape is obviously a horrible, scarring experience, and one that you’ll unfortunately carry with you for the rest of your life. I hope your rapist was caught and is rotting in jail. Somehow though, you’ve recovered enough to not only talk about it, but lead a somewhat normal life afterwards. That’s awesome, and I bet you could offer a lot of hope and inspiration to other girls who’ve experienced the same thing.
Item two, and this is what pisses me off, is that your horrible experience is otherwise unrelated to the rest of your email. You confided in a guy, put your trust in him, and he betrayed that trust. That’s a pretty classic story, and I’m not seeing how it relates to anything else. He dicked you over, and you decided to get your shit together, get your body in shape, and otherwise succeed in every facet of life you’ve put effort into. In fact, it sounds like you’re doing great! So what then is your problem exactly? Oh, right…
You don’t know “how to trust” guys, which, and I can’t stress this enough, has nothing to do with your experience in high school and everything to do with your boyfriend who dicked you over, which motivated you to transform yourself into an object of desire.”Like, OMG, I’m soooo popular with all these guys, but I’m also so good at not fucking them. How not normal is that? I just like want to be able to have fun with guys, but am I being an asshole to them by not giving them the privilege? Am I just too independent?”
Bottom line, you wrote me with a genuinely sad story and then composed the rest of the email looking for an ego stroke, which is ridiculous. If you want advice on how to “have fun” with guys, then all I can tell you is to do that. Get drunk. Screw someone you think you might like to screw. Let go a little, and let your mistakes educate you in the future. Your self esteem should come from what you’ve overcome and what you’ve been able to accomplish, not from an advice columnist telling you how totally awesome you are.
After all, that’s what I use these pages for.