Ask A Pro

This week on Ask a Pro – Fairytale halitosis and going from midnight to 6:00.

Dear Head Pro,

I can't believe I'm actually asking you for advice. It's not that I don't love you and admire you but that it's actually pretty embarrassing I even have to come to you with this dilemma. I've been seeing the same pro since freshmen year of high school (on and off for about three years then going steady for the past year and a half) and I love this guy to death. I've been with other pros and he's been with other betches so we've experimented, blahblahblah but we know we want to be together. I also know he is a God in bed so obviously I'm never breaking up with him because I don't think I could live without his company. And he plays at a top D1 lacrosse school and is a fiend. So sexy.

Anyways, I'm not saying he's perfect, I mean he has tons of flaws just like everyone else. He doesn't brush his teeth (actually though – like maybe once every two weeks) he's really bad at keeping his word, gives into peer pressure from his teammates, etc and I want to punch him in the face for it but at the end of the day we still make each other happy and I love him. So it's basically a story book romance, right? WRONG. I'm worried he's possibly a gay. Or bi-curious. Or something not heterosexual.

He asks for anal all the time and that's just not my thing, I never want to do it and I never will. Anal is for bitches, not betches – I've told him this but he keeps asking. He also accuses other (very straight) pros of being gay on the regular and gets really worked up about it. I never really thought anything of it until the other day when he said he wouldn't mind if I wanted to ever stick my finger in his bum….. Now I'm starting to think this whole thing is real suspect. I know he enjoys having sex with me and maybe he just wants to experiment but my gaydar is starting to go off.
I don't want to say anything about it to him because if he is bi-curious or whatever I want him to be able to tell me and not think I'm judging him. So I guess my question is, do you think he's straying from the straight and narrow? And if he is, how should I go about asking him without sounding accusative or judgmental?

PS. Sorry, I didn't mean to write a short story. Lolololol.


Not a Storybook Romance

Dear Not a Storybook Romance,

Yes, until you pointed out that this was something less than magical I was certain that maybe I was the one who needed advice from you. Thanks for clearing that up. A few thoughts:

– Wanting to fuck someone in the ass doesn’t make a guy gay. Homosexuals aren’t gay because of where they want to stick it, they’re gay because they want to stick it in people of the same gender. Gay guys fuck each others’ booty-holes because as men, our fuckable orifices are limited yet they still want to achieve the kind of intimacy that straight folks enjoy. I guess I can’t say for sure, but I guarantee you that if guys also had vaginas, gays would just as soon fuck those instead. You don’t have to let him back there, but wanting to test those (muddy) waters doesn’t make him gay.

– Similarly, liking to have your ass played with doesn’t make you gay. Liking it when another guy pokes around back there, on the other hand, does. Personally I’d snap a girl’s finger off between my ass cheeks if she went back there, but plenty of perfectly straight guys like a little assplay, I guess. You don’t have to indulge him, but the next time he’s sweatily rutting on top of you, jam a thumb in there and see what happens. You know you’re curious.

– In terms of his vocal (and apparently unsubstantiated) hostility towards his teammates sexuality, it’s really hard to say if that means anything. There have been studies done where the more vocal homophobes were more aroused by images of gay sex, but it’s also entirely possible that he just really hates gayness or even gay people. While I’m not here to regulate his morality, maybe you should have a discussion when he’s calm as to why he a) thinks his teammates are gay and b) why it bothers him so much.

– You’ve been dating since you were fucking 14 years old. If you make each other happy that’s fine, but your relationship at this point is less one of mutual respect and love than it is a symbiotic one. I won’t pretend that first love isn’t a powerful thing, because the truth is it’s probably one of the most intense feelings you’ll ever have, and in a relationship sense it can be valuable to grow up with someone like that. On the other hand, at your age you’re growing and changing as people every day, and once you hit college that happens at an exponential rate. Do what makes you happy, but don’t insult me by treating this as though you’re in a mature, meaningful adult relationship because you aren’t.

– Nothing I’ve said here matters, because WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T BRUSH THEIR TEETH?!?!? That’s so fucking disgusting on so many levels. How do you even talk to him, let alone kiss and/or fuck him? If he thinks his teammates are fags, maybe he’s really just mad that no one wants to get anywhere fucking near him so he’s acting out.

If you want my advice, I’d think more about finding a guy who understands personal hygiene and doesn’t pressure you to go spelunking in your chocolate starfish and less about whether or not the caveman you’re fucking might be gay.

No kisses for that mouth lololololol,

Head Pro



Dear Pro,

Sooo I was going to have sex with this guy I'm dating, but he got nervous and drunk and couldn't get it up. Would this be the opportune time to get off my chest the fact that I hooked up with one of his closest friends a week before we started dating? I think so. Its like trading the party foul of him wasting my time with his dick not working for the party foul of me first having sex with his really good buddy and then moving on to him.

Does this make sense? I'm this close to texting him.

K thanks,

Making Lemonade

Dear Making Lemonade,

So, you and this guy decided you wanted to fuck, he got drunk and came down with a case of whiskey dick, and you think it’s a good idea/somehow beneficial to hit him with news that really shouldn’t concern him? Sure, makes sense to me…

I just don’t understand girls’ hangups with whiskey dick, especially since this has so far been a one time thing. Maybe it’s losing the illusion of control, the realization that whether or not our meat whistles play their special song has nothing to do with you in particular. It’s a physical/chemical reaction that happens and can be compounded by external stressors, like you giving him shit about his dick not working. In fact, if he’s so drunk that his equipment won’t work, he’s probably at a point where he’d literally try to fuck a seahorse if he thought he could, so the idea of taking it so personal is fucking ridiculous. I know one thing, if guys took it to heart every time we couldn’t get laid because the girl was “too tired” or “didn’t feel like it”, the human population would fucking plummet.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have, on numerous occasions, received visits from the whiskey dick fairy and while it does put a damper on things, it’s not the end of the world. Do yourself a favor and come to terms with the fact that there’s nothing special about you that allows your desirability to trump the forces of nature. We may and usually do want it just as bad as you, but sometimes the little guy’s had one drink too many and needs to sleep it off. C’est la vie.

As to why you think now would be a good idea to let him know you hooked up with his friend, I just can’t follow your thinking. When you say he was wasting your time, do you mean that he likely took you out and showed you a good enough time that you decided it was time to go to pound town, only to have things go south when his boner, well, stayed south? If anything, it would prove to him that you were wasting his time, because even though you’re supposedly “dating” you jumped ship at the first sign of trouble because you’re so insecure and butt-hurt (glad we’re keeping with the anal theme). By all means text him, but remember that guys talk, so it might not be news to him after all. Just be prepared for any number of stories to start as to why the deal fell through. Your appearance, your attitude, etc. are all fodder for the rumor mill.

If this was a recurring thing, you’d be 100% in the right to have concerns. But since you’re ready to let your slut flag fly after just one shitty experience, I don’t have a lot of sympathy.

(Limp) Kisses,

Head Pro


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