Ask a Pro

Dear HeadPro,

This is driving me nuts, and none of my friends can figure it out… Cue you.

So I've been dating my bf for basically two years, and things are great- we're moving in together next year and we're thinking about the long-term. And yes, he's initiating all this, not just me. Seems like he's really into me right? Except he just doesn't like kissing me. To be clear, this is not a problem I have often. Or ever. But my seemingly perfect and in love with me bf just doesn't want to. He did when we first started dating, but now, nothing. I literally have to whine and beg and bribe him for kisses, and in the end it's like it's not even worth it because who wants a forced kiss?

I get it, kissing isn't that big a deal, we're not 14, but seriously? Every girl likes it, and according to expert lit (cosmo) if a guy stops wanting to kiss it means he's checking out… I've tried bringing it up to him directly but he just gets pissed and calls me ridiculous. So is this normal?? Is he secretly checking out?? Wtf?? Help me pretty please.

No Kisses At All,

Confused Betch

Dear Confused Betch,

One would think that you “thought about the long-term” before you decided to move in together, as that’s historically a terrible idea provided you don’t have some kind of plan set in stone (literally, i.e. a ring). But that’s neither here nor there, and you’ll figure it out eventually. What exactly does “basically two years” mean? Just how far up or down are you rounding? Have you been dating for two weeks which, to you, is “basically two years?” And how is this “not a problem you have often?” Do all of the other boys in your life write songs about how nice it is to kiss you? If so, maybe that’s why your boyfriend takes issue with it.

Good thinking consulting Cosmo, because if there’s anything they’re known for, it’s doling out advice that is in no way designed to drive girls bat-shit crazy. To get an idea of what’s really happening, look at it another way. How often does your boyfriend express a desire to go to the bone zone, but for whatever reason you’re not in the mood. Maybe you feel gross “down there”, haven’t shaved your legs, or he hasn’t been kissing you enough lately. Think then, when sex is the last thing you want to do, how irritating it is the more he whines about wanting to do it. All it does is make you want to do it even less. For guys, once we’re in a relationship, kissing is at best a precursor to sex and at worst pointless. You know the old joke about girls being all wild in bed and then closing up shop once they have the guy on lockdown? Well, guys do the same thing, only with romantic shit. It’s not that we dislike it, it’s just that time spent kissing is time spent not fucking. The more you whine about it, the less appealing it becomes.

Obviously something has got to give, but nothing will until one of you backs down. As is customary with guy-girl relationships, the less you seem to want something the more they want to give it to you. If you’re clingy and desperate for affection, that’s a huge turnoff. Maybe the biggest turnoff, actually. If you’re chill, hopefully he’ll start to want to close that gap. If not, at least you have a while before you’re stuck in a lease together.

Are you sure you don’t have a dead tooth back there?

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Here's something that's been stumping me for some time now. These past few months I've had a fairly consistent booty call guy. It's really chill- every now and then we'll pregame together, gotten to know each other's sober selves, and I'm certain that deeper feelings aren't complicating things. I was being pretty good about not fucking this bro, until very recently. We had sex for the first time after one drunken night…but even though the sex wasn't bad per say, he was pretty selfish in bed and my needs were definitely not met. Ever since we did the deed he's been hitting me up more frequently, apparently unaware and/or didn't care that I wasn't satisfied with our romp.

Now as any self-respecting betch would be, I'm pretty picky about which bros I let inside. This bro has great game, in a good frat, and can be quite the gentleman (when sober), making him in high demand by the ladies. I know he's a catch, but it seems like his ego is getting in the way and it's causing problems for me. I take my sex life seriously- if you can't please me in bed, then I'm so over it. I'm considering not seeing him again.

I'm definitely conflicted- I want to follow my standards, plus its not like we have an emotional attachment to each other so cutting things off won't be some big dramatic event. And it's possible I'm saving myself from some frustrating, orgasm-less sex. Yet on the other hand, it could just be that he was drunk and I'm being way too quick to judge, and my hastiness would spoil the chill situation we have.

So please help me out Head Pro, does he deserve a second chance? Or is it best to let this one go?


Unsatisfied Betch

Dear Unsatisfied Betch,

Oh, for fuck’s sake. You are elbow deep in your own head over one singular drunken night in pound town. If you want a little insider information, if a bro’s being a selfish lover when he’s shitfaced, it’s because he has to. Alcohol has a noticeable numbing effect, so sometimes it’s necessary to move at a more aggressive, less than sensual pace just to maintain structural integrity. And if there’s a condom involved, forget it because he’s going to have to beat it like it owes him money to have any chance at all. Obviously it affects some bros more than others, but it’s the reason why one night stands tend to suck, and why if your regular hookup is a blackout-only relationship, the sex is still probably less than satisfying. Better than a one nighter or no sex at all, but not exactly drugstore romance novel material.

Another “secret”, if you haven’t figured this out already, is that individuals are not really “good at sex”; people are. Yes, there are absolutely some basics that need to be covered and individuals can definitely be bad at sex, but someone can only be as good as their compatibility with their partner allows them to be. That’s why the best sex most people ever have is when they’re in a steady relationship. Not only are there feelings and emotions at play elevating your coitus beyond two animals humping, but you’ve had time to get to know each other’s bodies and preferences, making the whole sticky mess exponentially better for everyone involved.

Even though you claim no emotional attachment to this bro, that’s not to say you can’t have good sex. Compatibility, awareness, and communication are the most important factors in making sex enjoyable. If you like him enough to email me about it, there’s no harm in giving him another shot, albeit slightly more sober this time. If it still doesn’t click or he at least doesn’t express a desire to make it better, at least you’ll know. Just be aware that if fireworks do go off, eventually you’ll probably email me again, only this time I won’t answer because apparently people are tired of reading about late-stage feelings development.

Selfless Kisses,

Head Pro


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