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Dear Pro,

Single betch here enjoying the single life. But as we all know Vday is right around the corner, and no betch wants to spend that day/night alone. I am talking to a few bros right now, all qualified, but two live in Cali, (I'm in Vegas). One of my Cali bros might fly me out, but I don't want to bank on it, and I'm not making that much of an effort to fly myself out as I might seem too interested and serious for what I'm willing to take on.

Then there's another bro that lives here, but it's still too new to expect a Vday date. There's this other guy here thats nice, successful, and fun, but too old. And another guy that's interested, but I see him as just a friend. I'm just sort of talking to a handful of guys, but no main squeeze. Basically there's some kind of factor that makes each of my possible Vday candidates undesirable or unrealistic (distance). How can I resolve the issue? I know I could just go out and get blackout, but I want a casual but cute Vday date. How can I make this work?

Who's Valentine?

Dear Who’s Valentine,

The more important question is, have any of these guys actually asked you out on a Vday date? Because, just sayin’, that seems like a pretty important factor. If no one asks you, it sounds like your problem has solved itself.

The problem with Valentine’s Day is that the only guys who care about it are either a) guys in a relationship and thus required to care by their significant others or b) Nice Guys. You know the type, the ones who believe kindness is a currency with a favorable exchange rate to sex. They think shit like Valentine’s Day is ground-zero for pole polishing, because they figure it’s the one day of the year where girls will inexplicably be turned on by their bullshit gallantry and obsequiously chivalrous gestures. Vom. Otherwise, no guy wants to spend $200 on a shitty prix fixe menu at a crowded restaurant.

In your situation, if you absolutely refuse to just be chill and enjoy yourself, stick with one of the local guys. Flying out to Cali to do Vday with a guy you aren’t even the slightest bit committed to just reeks of desperation and TTH, even if he’s the one who asks. Instead, assuming you get an invite, go to dinner or whatever, but first make it clear that you have plans later in the evening. Say one of your lame single besties needs support or some bullshit. Then, go do that. Or just go home. Crack a bottle of wine. It’s Thursday night. Archer is on. That sounds like a good time to me any way you slice it.

Chocolate Covered Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I recently made a major appearance change…at least for me it was. I am a betch who hardly wears makeup and has never died her hair, so a haircut was a pretty drastic thing. A while back I decided that I was going to cut my hair and donate to locks of love one day because it is long enough. I have had long, light brown hair literally my entire life but this past Saturday I woke up in the morning and went rogue. I made a hair appointment for the afternoon and cut 13 inches of my hair off.

My hair used to be almost entirely one length with minimal layers all the way down to my butt. I now have an a-line cut but it is still fairly long and goes to the top of my collarbones when in front of my shoulders and easily goes into a ponytail. I have been told that I look older and also that I look bitchier. Older is chill because I look like I am still 17 not only do I get carded when at the bar but also when seeing a rated R movie. What the fuck? Okay sorry for going off on that tangent… I am just wondering on what your hair stance is for girls? Do you think it is still attractive when girls have short hair? Or are you a long hair kind of man? And what about the a-line cut? Do all guys find this bitchy? I'm having a hard time adjusting and would love to hear your honest opinion on the issue.

In despair over my hair

Dear In Despair,

First of all, I had to Google “A-Line Cut”, and upon learning what it is I assume that when you said you made a hair appointment, what you meant was that you got in a time machine and traveled back to 2004. I guess some girls can pull it off, but in general I don’t know if you made the best choice. The only women I know with that haircut are back-office HR types in their 40’s and senior managers still holding on to the last moments a decade ago when they still had some semblance of youth before their careers started sapping their life force. Still, unless you convert it into a sweet center-parted bowl cut a la Head Pro in the ‘90s (head shaved underneath the layers, obvi), there isn’t much you can do.

Generally, guys are fine with short hair, with the caveat being that it depends on the girl and the hair. Rihanna or Keira Knightley type short? Yes please, all day long. Anne Hathaway short? Go fuck yourself. In terms of what most guys like though, longer (at least past the shoulders) is the safer bet. Look at any bullshit list of “hottest women 2013”, and the ones near the top will all have longer hair. It just looks sexier. Someone like Pink is fine with short hair, because she looks like a man anyway. But someone like Miley Cyrus, who used to be fuckable in a backwoods-dregs-trailerpark sort of way (the guy version of ugly hot), now kind of looks like, well, Pink.

What’s done is done, so the best thing you can do now is to ask someone who knows more about hair than I do how to wear it well. The one thing you have going for you is that some guys might confuse you for Posh Spice circa Spice World, which is fine because I think most guys reserve a special place in their hearts (and pants) for her.

A-Line Kisses,

Head Pro


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