Ask a Pro

Dear Head Pro,

So long story short, I breezed my way through prep school, and by the end of senior year, I found myself rejected from my dream college and about four months away from the shittiest college on the planet. Bad move on my part, but there’s not really much I can do to change that now. I sucked it up, headed to my shitty school, and became inseparable from like the only betches here.

Now seeing as this place sucks, I’ve been working my ass off (a betch has to do what a betch has to do) in the hopes that I can transfer to my dream school. I’m just totally terrified that everyone’s gonna be so settled with their friend groups by next fall that I’ll have a rough time becoming friends with new betches. How am I supposed to survive rushing sororities next fall without my best friends? Who’s gonna talk me out of ordering ranch dressing with my salad? Like I’m gonna spend weekends watching SATC reruns alone in my room? As if!

How do I work my way into a group of betches and pros at a new college who are probably not loving the idea of helping out a lost little betch?

Moving on to Bigger and Betchier Things

Dear Moving on,

Thank you for sending me one of those rare emails that aren’t about penis. It’s refreshing. There’s a lot going on here that confuses me. For one, if you were unable to get into your “dream college” why was your next (and presumably only) option “the shittiest college on the planet”? If it’s really that bad, why was it an option at all? Second, I can’t help but laugh a little when high schoolers obsess over their ideal college experience. Yes, of course we all have/had preferences, but what makes this place so appealing to you? Are the buildings nicer or something? I guess what I’m really asking is what makes your current school so bad? I ask that because I went to a school that, while academically renowned, wasn’t exactly known as a “cool” place to be, but I turned out fine. No matter where you are, you can always find cool people who like to rage. If you’ve already got friends, maybe think twice about why you want so badly to be elsewhere.

Anyway, let’s assume that you got stuck going to some kind of awful Christian school with a dry campus and where guys aren’t allowed in girls’ rooms and shit. I think you’re getting your panties all bunched up over nothing. I mean, can you really imagine going up to a group of people and them saying “Lol, you seem cool and all, but we’ve officially reached our friend quota”? I doubt it. Plus, have you even seen “Clueless”? Girls love doing shit like they did to Brittany Murphy’s character, because introducing a cool new friend to the group makes them look that much cooler themselves. The bottom line is, if you’re a cool person that other people want to be around, then you’ll find a home. College is like 90% about making friends, so it’s not like people get tired of it by the end of freshman year.

Honestly, I feel like if you’re going to transfer it really only ought to be to a school with a better reputation (assuming you aren’t actually in some nightmare, Nazi Germany scenario). After all, people care more about the name on your diploma than anything else. Otherwise, college is college, and true bros/betches find a way to make it work no matter what. But if you insist on transferring, just make sure you get Elton to teach you the little “rollin’ with the homies” handwave move and you should be fine.

Non-Transferrable Kisses,

Head Pro


Dear Head Pro,

Last week my best friend set me up with a really hot bro (that I've been secretly eye fucking every time I saw him around on campus).  She warned me that he was a player but that he was incredibly sexy and really fun, so I was still into it.  And, really excited. 

The entire week leading up to the date, shit got awkward.  My friend informed me that he needed at least 2 of his best bros to come with as well, otherwise he wouldn't go.  Also, he needed to get to the pregame before I did so that he “could have some in him to make it less awkward”.  I'd never met him before, nor had we ever spoken so I'm not sure why it would even be awkward to begin with, but whatever.  I just figured he was nervous or some shit like that.

When the night finally came I was ready to get drunk and get with him.  We met, it was a little awkward after all the build up, but fine.   He didn't talk much but I could tell he was a little shy and making his way to being flirty. But, after a game of beer pong, he got weird…Sitting down texting, going outside to take phone calls.  He would not come near me or even talk to me.  His friends came up to me saying that I needed to talk to him.  Which I was pissed about since I think the guy should make an effort, but I agreed.  When I went to go outside to talk to him they stopped me saying he was on the phone with his “Mom”, AKA the girl he's “together” with who I had just found out about. Then I was informed to “be careful” cause he was going to “try every single thing possible to get me to have sex” .  I was fine with it but confused why I was so out of the loop everyone else was clearly in. 

I kept trying to talk to him and flirt but he seemed very standoffish and I didn't know what else to do.  When we got to the venue he disappeared.  Left me completely.  Finally, with the help of his bros, we found him.  After my friends telling him for being such a douche, he looked at me and made the typical excuse that I was “near the bar the whole time”.  We started dancing, for maybe a total of 10 minutes.  He seemed into it.  Actually, overly into it.  The song ended, he said he'd be right back and when I looked up he was with another girl on the bar.  That's the last time I saw him that night.  I also later found out he made a bet that if I was “white”, because apparently I hadn't looked it in my FB pics, he would have sex with me.  His friends kept telling me “he liked me” but he definitely wasn't showing it-other than the 10 minutes he spent dancing with me. 

I feel embarrassed and stupid for thinking something would happen. I know he's a serious player but he agreed to go out with me and all of his friends said he was into it, so what was his deal?  He even made a bet and I was warned that he was gonna try to go for it.  If he really is such a player, why wasn't he?  He gets with all these other (in my opinion, GROSS) girls, so what was wrong with me? I'm thinking I maybe just didn't seem “easy” enough for him and his dick but I'm still really confused and don't know what to think.  Is he just really that much of a douche?


Confused Betch xo

Dear Confused Betch,

Good, we’re back to talking about penis. Awesome. There’s a whole lot of bullshit here, and for most people the obvious, short answer is “he wasn’t that into you” and that’s definitely possible. Maybe he did go through your facebook pics and you weren’t his type. Maybe when he met you he found out that you’re the kind of person who obsesses over total strangers, has your friends set up blind dates with them, and then emails yet another stranger wondering how on earth such a fairy tale scenario could have possibly gone wrong. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about having sex with a stranger, in fact I’m doing it right now (maybe it’s you!), but this is a little much. Still, let’s explore another, equally likely possibility.

I don’t think this guy is a bro at all – he’s a broseur. That is, someone who looks like a bro and talks like a bro, but deep down doesn’t have that bro “essence” that makes us the most perfect creatures on the planet. (Fun weekend project – make your own “bro essence” at home! Combine equal parts chewing tobacco, cocaine, Natural Light, spermicidal lubricant, Polo Blue cologne, and dried parsley in a small bowl. Rub generously over both sides of either chicken or pork, and marinate for 2 hours. Cook using your preferred method until done.) There are a lot of tipoffs, but one in particular stands out – who, let alone what bro, agrees to go on a blind date outside of a being a charity date to a freshman formal? Blind dates are for losers and actual blind people, not young, attractive college students.

The evidence keeps building. While some bro-panionship is never a bad thing, no bro in his right mind feels the need to arrive early with friends to a pregame. Hell, there’s nothing better for a bro than arriving late, solo, to an all-girls pregame. It’s where our stars shine the brightest. If I knew that somewhere there was an all-girls pregame wherein one of the girls already wanted to fuck me, not only would I go, but by the time we left I’d make sure all of the girls wanted to fuck me. What I sure as shit wouldn’t do is turn it into a sausage fest because things were “awkward.”

At the bar, even if he wasn’t into you, a real bro wouldn’t be sulking by himself in a corner or dancing with other girls when he already has a sure thing locked up. Those are the actions of an insecure loser who thinks he needs to make girls jealous to get laid. Furthermore, his little “bets,” besides sounding completely made up, are the nonsense ramblings of a man who desperately wants to sound cooler than he is and hasn’t seen the inside of a vagina since high school health class. Real bros know you talk shit after you punch your ticket to pound town, not before. If you left feeling like this guy was awkward, confused, and unsure of himself, it’s because he was.

If anything, it sounds like you dodged a bullet here. In the future, stick to fucking real, genuine bros. And no more blind dates. Come on, you’re better than that (I hope).

Blind Kisses,

Head Pro


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