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Dear Head Pro,

Okay so I'm a betch in training (still in high school) and I'm in desperate need for advice. It starts on new years eve when I got totally black out. I guess I kissed one of my friends from a different school (who's a bro in training.) It's not like thats a big deal, it was more friendly. Well thats what I thought. The next day all his friends are texting me asking if we hooked up. I told them no and forgot about it. Fast forward to this weekend when I found out he was coming to my school. So I was blackout at a party when all his friends start telling me I gave him head. WTF do I do? I don't want to be rude and laugh in his face because he obviously told his friends but I def don't want this to spread. To make things worse I have to face him every day at school.


Betch in need

Dear Betch in Need,

Well, at least you learned a few valuable lessons here. One, there’s a reason why you always see betches getting blackout in a group of themselves and not with a bunch of guys at some sketchy house party. Two, you’re beginning to learn the difference between “black out” and “I was so blackout I may have blown this dude but I don’t even know”. In terms of milestones, a girl’s first phantom beej is probably right up there with her first period and senior prom. I bet it would bring tear of pride to your parents’ eyes to see their little girl blossoming into womanhood.

In terms of whether it happened or not, I’m inclined to think it didn’t. For one thing, why is it just his friends saying so, and why were you the last person to hear about it? Regardless, it doesn’t matter. If he’s telling people, they’re going to believe it because people love a good scandal.

As for what to do, what you should NOT do is make this into a big deal and try to “put him on blast”, as the kids say. Drawing attention to it is not betchy and only makes you look defensive. Instead, I would first approach him about it privately and say “hey, I don’t remember what happened, but regardless it’s no one else’s business but ours”. And if he did skull fuck you while you were blackout? Congratulations, he’s a rapist. Casually mention that to him if he keeps it up. As for anyone else, just address it as it comes up and be chill about it. If someone asks, just say “yeah, I don’t think that happened, but I was completely blackout. It’s whatevs”.

The cooler you are about it, the sooner people will get over it. Just be a little safer in the future and try to avoid sticky shit like this.

Blackout Kisses,

Head Pro

(**Head Betches side note: We're gonna have to disagree with Head Pro on this one. If someone brings it up to you, you should just be like “yeah he totally made that up. What a loser, right? Don't get loser bros try to spread untrue shit about you.” As for him, you should tell him privately that the next time he spreads false shit about you you'll let everyone believe it's true and add in your own two cents about how his penis is the smallest thing you've ever seen and he may or may not have the herp.) 

Dearest Head Pro,

This isn't really asking for advice, although I guess it technically could be, but more of a would you rather. Given the choice between two equally skinny girls would you rather have sex with a girl who has a perfect figure but an average face or a girl with a gorgeous face but a lack of curves? Inspired by your recent propinion piece.



Dear Curious,

Trick question. I would have sex with both of them.


Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

Here's the problem: about 50% of the nights my boyfriend and I go out, we end up hanging out with his ex-girlfriend at bars. They have a lot of mutual friends including my boyfriend's older brother. This normally wouldn't bother me since I'm not the jealous type, but this girl definitely makes me see green. First of all, she's a full 4 years older than me and my bro (out of college with a good job), she fits the mold for the BSCB so she's really interesting, she's got a finely honed condescending attitude, and to top it all off she's really naturally fucking skinny. Then, to make it even worse, my boyfriend usually spends the entire time we are out either talking only to her, or telling stories to everyone while only making eye contact with her.

I confronted him about it once, and here's his explanation: He hates her. They dated a really long time ago (almost high school). They used to work together, and according to him, she hates him and got him fired from his last job by talking shit about him all the time to his ex-boss. Then, she went on to start sleeping with that boss (who is married) so she had ultimate influence. The boss then fired him. He says he now pays a lot of attention to her because he wants to “appease” her. He says if she's not happy, she'll talk shit about him to all his friends and make his life a lot less enjoyable.

This story kind of makes my bullshit radar go off. He seems a little obsessed with her when we go out. Also, there's a fucking thin line between love and hate. Anyway, our relationship is great and I'm really happy but I can't stand this bitch and I'd like some advice about what to do. I'm not sure I could put up with this for an extended period of time, but asking him not to hang out with her is asking him not to hang out with a lot of his best friends and even his brother. What the fuck is a betch to do?


Feeling Threatened By A Crazy Ex

Dear Feeling Threatened,

Yeah, this sets off my bullshit radar too, for a bunch of reasons. Mostly because this whole thing is bullshit.

– Why the fuck is this girl hanging out with people four whole years younger than her? That’s fucking weird. I can tolerate hanging out with younger girls because they’re overly confident, impressionable, and easy to have sex with, but I would think that’s exactly why it would be a turnoff for an older girl hanging out with younger guys.

– They supposedly dated forever ago, and yet he still feels the need to “appease” her? I call complete bullshit. You’re talking about his actual brother, who is blood, and his bros, who might as well be. If they’re really his friends/family, if he wanted her out she would be. Out of all the flavors of betches, the BSCB is the one guys have the least tolerance for.

Your boyfriend is either way too much of a pussy to tell this bitch to go home and take her pre-menopausal hormone supplements, or he wants her there. The “I don’t want to make things weird with my friends” excuse is horseshit unless you’re dating the world’s largest sissy, in which case you’d probably want to get the fuck out of there anyway.

You need to tell him straight up that either she goes or you go. If he cares about you at all, he’ll try to make something happen, even if it’s just talking to her less. If not, find yourself a guy with a genuine, Head Pro-approved set of testicles and/or isn’t obsessed with his weird ex girlfriend.

Crazy Kisses,

Head Pro

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