Well friends, I guess it was inevitable. Ashley Iaconetti and her bottomless tear ducts have finally secured the brief attention love and everlasting devotion of Applebee’s manager, Jared Haibon. Congrats! I hope you celebrate with $1 cocktails and half-price apps for you both! Ashley is officially the first person on earth for whom the strategy of endless sobbing, unrequited obsession, and relentless texting until the other person gave up worked. Weird, because I did that with one guy and the police told me it was not okay, and no it wouldn’t be stricken from my record. I guess there is a celebrity double standard. Rude.
People magazine exclusively reported the news of this blessed new couple last night, and then Ashley announced it on her Instagram as if it were her fucking engagement. There’s a lot to unpack in the article and the post, prepare yourself for maximum gagging. BTW, People magazine must be hard up for content these days, huh? I mean, Ashley and Jared’s claims to fame are more tenuous than the Cash Me Ousside girl.
First, let’s take a look at Ashley’s announcement via Instagram. She posted this photo last night:
Okay fine, Ashley, that picture is cute. But girl, you can’t wear white anymore! We all know you gave it up to a dude that pronounces the word “about” as “aboot” on a subpar Bachelor spin-off. But really, though, what’s up with the pseudo-wedding dress? Do we think Ashley is so thankful Jared finally agreed to date her that she wears white everywhere they go and then whenever he gets a little tipsy, she just has a priest pop up out of the bushes?
Kind of genius if that’s the case. *Scribbles note in diary for the day I meet Jake Gyllenhaal.* Ashley also announced the news in her Insta story to the Taylor Swift song “Dress”. Honestly I’m kind of into that choice, and clearly underestimated Ashley, since I figured she’d go with “You Belong With Me” or like, “Teardrops on My Guitar”. You’ve found me out—I kind of like Taylor and know her entire discography, don’t @ me, you savages.
Now, let’s talk about the People article. If you have three hours of your life to spare and are interested in how many times Jared ghosted Ashley the timeline of their relationship I’d suggest you read it. I’m going to pull out the highlights and decipher their true meaning.
After their first season of Bachelor in Paradise, Jared dumped Ashley. He says that “I’m not gonna lie and say that I was in love with Ashley during BiP. It was a slow build for me.” Here Jared is using the phrase “slow build” as a euphemism for “I was not at all into her but her emotional abuse eventually wore me down and I was really horny.” But also, you didn’t immediately want to bang the girl that snotted all her makeup off every episode? SHOCKING NEWS.
At some point after that, Ashley went on Bachelor: Winter Games and Jared went on Bachelor in Paradise: Australia. You read that right, folks. Jared has sunk so low that no one in America even wants him on their TV screens anymore. When do we get to send the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey there? Or can felons not leave the country?
When Jared returned from the Outback to manage an Outback Steakhouse (I paraphrase), he heard that Ashley met someone on Winter Games, so naturally that’s when he decided he was into her. THIS FUCKING GUY. It’s like he read the fuckboy handbook and followed it to a T. Because seriously, she cries over him every day for three years, and then she finally gets a boyfriend and he’s like, “Those tears are so sexy, I need you.” So, even though Ashley was finally engaging in sexual activity happy with her slightly mangled Canadian James Marsden, Jared decided he had to profess his feelings.
Men = Trash. Seriously. If you stood a vaguely man shaped creature made out of crumpled Dorito bags and used paper towels held together by gum and said it was my new boyfriend, I’d believe you.
This is how it went down, according to Ashley: “I left that conversation with him not just admitting that he was jealous but also he had feelings, and you kind of alluded to wanting to be with me.”
Really, Jared? I love that he’s saying he’s into her but STILL vague about it. “Alluding to wanting to be with me.” Spit it out of those mangled teeth, Jared! Do you want in or not? Personally I think he came back from Australia where not even a kangaroo would touch him with an 10-foot pole and realized in America he’d actually have to compete with real hotties like Dean and his baby blues and fucking panicked. And now he’s walking around with an Ashley-shaped tumor attached to his leg.
In all seriousness, I do hope this is the real thing and Ashley gets her happily ever after with the guy who didn’t want to deflower her. How long do you all think this one will last? At least until Jared gets it in they have something else to promote, I’m sure. Best of luck to them, I’ll just be here sobbing over my work crush in hopes he breaks off his engagement for me.
Images: @ashley_iaconetti/Instagram; giphy (4)