Image Credit: Shutterstock

As Your MOH, I'm Gonna Make Your Bachelorette Party Amazing — Even Though I Hate Your Fiancé

From: [email protected]
Subject Line: Jenny’s Bachelorette Brunch!!!

Hi girlies!!

As we all know by now, Jenny’s finally entering a contractual agreement with her longtime boyfriend, Steve, who we all ~*~lOvE~*~ almost as much as she does (jk), which means we have one chance to show her what the married life promises to take from her (jk)!

Unlike Steve, Jenny is an adult and mentioned she wants a brunch for her bachelorette instead of a traditional wild night. Unlike Jenny, Steve is taking his bros to Vegas for a weekend that, ideally, won’t turn into a horrible remake of the already horrible 1998 “dark comedy” Very Bad Things. If you don’t remember the film, long story short: Cameron Diaz ends up married to Jon Favreau and her life is ruined.

As Jenny’s maid of honor, I’ve constructed a fun and convincing argument/itinerary to revisit places from her and Steve’s ~*~pAssIonATe~*~ relationship. Here it is so you know what’s coming (not Jenny, haha! Steve never does it for her — why is she marrying him?! lol).

11 a.m. – Meet at the cute brunch spot where Steve drank 3 pitchers of margarita by himself and was kicked out for making a hostess, server, and a random patron heading to the bathroom “feel uncomfortable.”

11:30 a.m. – Order Eggs Benedicts for everyone (and Eggs Florentine for anyone microdosing vegetarianism!) and remind Jenny of the time Steve drank a 30-rack of Natty Ice before noon and went fishing in the UC Santa Cruz koi pond to “sustain” himself “like a man.”

11:45 a.m. – Sample Marcy’s wonderful pastel macarons that are Easter colors for some reason, but fuck it!!

12:01 p.m. – Bring up the time Steve signed Jenny up for CrossFit membership as a Christmas present. Pass out penis straws.

12:12 p.m. – Start the Jenny and Steve Bachelorette Bingo game!

12:14 p.m. – End the Jenny and Steve Bachelorette Bingo game because the first row of “Steve asked you if the curtains matched the drapes,” “Steve took a nap at your social event,” and “Steve blacked out and said something homophobic at a street fair” squares will sufficiently make my point!

12:15 p.m. – Start a lighthearted roast of the bride- and groom-to-be, but then discuss possibly moving to actually roasting Steve’s multiple collections of sexual paraphernalia.

12:30 p.m. – Pay the check (like Steve never does!! lmao) and give Jenny a packet of paperwork she may want to consider filling out, such as a prenuptial, annulment, and divorce papers —just in case!

I love you all and can’t wait to celebrate Jenny’s singlehood and possibly postponed/canceled wedding!!

Can’t wait,

From: [email protected]
Subject Line: Re: Jenny’s Bachelorette Brunch!!!

Hi girlies (again!!),

Rachel has responded to the previous email asking if we can carpool. I think this is a great idea and very green! She also fully endorses arson and doesn’t want us to forget to torch his “Female Body Inspector” T-shirt collection — it isn’t even punctuated properly! “Female Body” should be hyphenated!!

ANYWAY, email me back if you want to be on the carpool list!

Very excited,

From: [email protected]
Subject Line: Re: Re: Jenny’s Bachelorette Brunch!!!
Hey everyone!

Megan just sent me an email suggesting I don’t schedule a roast that devolves into actual arson/destroying the fiancé’s personal property….but don’t wedding vows make it where “what’s mine is yours” and all of that? We aren’t burning his belongings; we’re burning their novelty inflatable boob collection.

Get onboard,

From: [email protected]
Subject Line: Re: Re: Re: Jenny’s Bachelorette Brunch!!!

Yes, Carrie, I’m aware Jenny has been CC’d on all of these emails. Anything else you’d like to share with the group?

From: [email protected]
Subject Line: FINALIZED Bachelorette Brunch!

Okay, everyone! We’ll scrap the outlined schedule (much like Jenny scrapped her dream to open a salon to marry Steve, lol, coincidence!) and do what feels right (or wrong, like Jenny’s doing!) when we’re all together.

Rachel, text me and we can drive together/talk logistics!

Brooke Knisley
Brooke Knisley
Brooke Knisley is a disabled writer who has written comedy for the New Yorker, McSweeney's, Playboy, Rewire News Group, Weekly Humorist, and others. She has balance issues. For more jokes, follow her on Instagram and Twitter.