This weekend is about to get thirsty AF, and I’m not just talking about the Snapchats you’re going to drunk send to your ex-boyfriend. No, this weekend is my favorite
public cry for help actress-turned-thirst trap’s 20th birthday. Happy birthday, Ariel Winter! For those of you who don’t follow Ariel, you’re not better than me you should know that she’s been casually testing the limits of Instagram’s nudity policy for the last few years. Admirable. To celebrate her endeavors, and because I believe no one is above a good public skewering on their birthday, I’ve decided to rank her Instagrams on a scale of one to Kylie Jenner (pre-pregnancy rumors, obviously).
6. THE PIC THAT STARTED IT ALL
I remember when Ariel first started posting pictures from the set of this
brothel movie and she kept saying shit like “chill y’all this all for a role!!” Apparently that role never ended. Let’s take a second to analyze this photo for a minute here, shall we? The year is 2016 and Ariel is still clearly a minor. She has a fake scorpion tattoo hovering above her vulva, and random girls are desperately trying to cover up all of her parts. It’s honestly amazing no one called Child Protective Services right then and there. To this day I have no idea wtf happened to the movie, as I’ve never seen/heard anything about it except via Ariel Winter’s Instagram photos (an interesting PR tactic tho). Either way, it’s clear that a thirst trap was born here.
5. HER KYLIE JENNER MOMENT
And who can forget the moment when Ariel transitioned from established, respected actress to a Kylie Jenner wannabe? A defining moment in her career, I’m sure.
4. THIS PIC FROM COACHELLA
Coachella, otherwise known as a thot’s personal playground, was Ariel’s time to shine this year. And by “shine” I mean publicly expose herself. There’s a lot I took away from Ariel’s time at Coachella. One, that her stylist should be shot for suggesting that those magenta extra long hair extensions resembled anything close to Cher hair, and, two, that Ariel doesn’t actually own a bra. Hopefully this trend doesn’t continue into her 20th year of life, because I’m v worried about potential long-term back problems here. You gotta take time for yourself, girlfriend!
3. THIS ENTIRE PHOTO SHOOT
In case you were wondering, yes, this is an entire photo shoot recorded for posterity on her Instagram. I have so many thoughts when I look at this. First, how long has that friend/personal assistant/person-whom-I-hope-was-extremely-well-compensated-for-this-shit been on her knees taking close-ups of Ariel’s barely clothed body? I’m assuming a while, since she’s worn holes straight through the butt of her jeans. Ariel, I hope you’re paying her overtime for this! Then there’s the matter of the extraness of this whole situation. Like, I can barely afford a selfie stick and yet she, as a teenager, bought an entire human to stand and take her pictures. Brb I’m just going to go reconsider my life choices and see where I went wrong in life. I’m starting to think it had something to do with keeping my loose morals to myself. Ugh.
2. THIS BIRTHDAY POST
Ah, yes, disguising a birthday post as an excuse to flaunt your entire ass to all three million of your Instagram followers. Classic move. Ariel posted this number last winter for her “bae’s” birthday, though I have never seen any other piece of this bae’s anatomy other than her her ass be featured on Ariel’s Instagram. Seriously, I had to Google her just to make sure she actually had a face. It’s honestly amazing that these two found each other. Here’s hoping Ariel goes into her 20th year of life with more strong friendships like this built off the solid foundation of the perfect Instagram shot.
1. THIS PATRIOTIC POST
And finally, we have this snapshot from her Memorial Day Weekend last year. All I can say is I never knew that flashing your pelvic bone equated to patriotism but, ya know, you learn something new every day. I’ll definitely keep this pro-tip in mind for my next trip to the Hamptons—thanks, girl!!
Well, Ariel, happy birthday! I hope this year you get everything you’ve ever desired, but mostly I just hope that someone finally buys you a bra. Oh, you keep me young, Ariel! God love ya!