I was having a great Friday, reading about DeMario
desperately clinging to shreds of relevance publicly dragging Chris Harrison, until some new Bachelor news popped up. Don’t get too excited, because it’s not anything good—just Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s new Bachelor promo. Yeah, I know we were all hoping for something more exciting, but it’s the off-season in the Bachelor-verse so we’re all just going to have to take what we can get. “We’re all just going to have to take what we can get” is, incidentally, also the unofficial tagline for the upcoming season of The Bachelor.
Arie’s new promo is Halloween themed, because of course it is. In the video, he’s wearing a navy suit and is standing near a pumpkin basket filled with some small objects. Candies, probably. That’s not what’s important. As much as it pains me to say this (it literally physically causes me pain, that’s not just a figure of speech), our man Arie came correct. ABC finally got it in their heads to shave the poor guy, and he looks significantly less old. Someone please DM me what foundation he uses. I can now say that although Arie is no snack, he’s been upgraded from “guy I wouldn’t even look twice at if I passed him on the street” to “hot teacher I’d definitely have secretly thirsted over with my friends in high school.” Speaking of, I wonder what Coach Connolly is up to these days…
“This Halloween, there’s only one question,” thus starts the promo. The question is not, “How many shots can I take before I black out?” or “How close to naked can I appear in public without being arrested for public indecency?” but rather, as Arie asks, “Trick… or me?” I will now take this moment to allow all of us to collectively face palm. Somebody’s dad definitely wrote that joke, but honestly I’m not even mad about it—at least Arie is acting age-appropriate.
At the end of the video, we see Arie, wearing a black mask, blow a kiss to the camera, because he’s the kissing bandit and ABC will not let us forget it. Haha, isn’t that just so clever and cute and I just really want to kill myself. Partially because I’m very hungover and sleep-deprived, partially because this promo immediately makes me lose all my remaining will to live. Watch the whole promo below if you, too, have a death wish.