I woke up on this fine Thursday morning, the weather was feeling great and I was
happy not completely miserable to be alive. And then fucking ABC went and ruined it. Rumors had been swirling for days—nay, weeks—that Peter was going to be our next Bachelor. We got all hyped up to see our favorite gap-toothed regulation hottie try to find love. And then ABC announced the next Bachelor and it’s… Arie Luyendyk Jr.
Arie was supposedly a runner-up on Emily Maynard’s season. And again I ask, WHO??? She was apparently the Bachelorette, wait for it, FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO. You have got to be fucking kidding me, ABC. You had your first black Bachelorette and were left with a number of amazing dudes—Eric, Kenny, hell I’d even take fucking Dean because that would have made for quite a redemption story—and you chose some complete rando from half a decade ago? WHY?
Honestly, ABC, are you actively trying to tank your own show at this point? You’d think they would choose people their viewers actually want to watch, but I guess not. I would have even taken Robby over this dude—at least Robby as the Bachelor would have given us a ton of memes. And like, watching Robby try to find a girl who could put up with his hair care routine could have been an interesting storyline.
Instead, they had to go and choose this dude, who I won’t even dignify by stating his name.
— Arie Luyendyk Jr. (@ariejr) September 7, 2017
I mean, just look at this dude. Like, he’s fine, but he kind of looks like any 40-year-old who puts his age as 35 on Bumble. Also, is his hair graying? Like, I’m all for diversity picks but who really gives a fuck about the first old Bachelor?
By the way, if you compare that picture above to the one ABC chose as their announcement photo, you can tell they chose a really fucking old picture because they are kittenfishing us. Well, you can’t fool me. Get this guy outta here. This dude looks like he’s got a family of teenagers and an angry ex-wife to support.
— The Bachelor (@BachelorABC) September 7, 2017
Fuck this. Fuck this guy, fuck ABC, just fuck all of it. Mike Fleiss has officially disappointed me more than any man in my life ever has.