On May 22, photos of Queen Ariana Madix carrying boxes out of Nightmare Fuel HQ (her shared home with Tom Sandoval) surfaced online, suggesting she was dipping out for good. First I stood up and cheered, then I zoomed in and noticed the boxes were neatly labeled “finances” and Ariana was wearing a SoFi sweatshirt. Once the paid partnership post made it onto her IG grid, it was clear we were all duped. She’s not moving out (yet), but she is raking in that sweet, sweet cash only an all-in-one finance app can offer!
In my goat-cheese-ball-loving-heart of hearts, I am confident Ariana’s epic move is on the horizon. And when it does happen, I’d imagine she won’t just be returning her cable box or curbing a Jax-stained futon, but deliciously purging all the Sandoval-tinged bullshit she’s accumulated over the years. Let’s just say I was born ready for what I hope to be an epic, most extra revenge garage sale for the ages.
I imagine of swarms of garage-sale lovers and fans descending upon Valley Village, haggling over Ariana’s pit-stained SUR bartender button-downs, Tom Sandoval’s tangled wigs, and all the tasteless dead weight in between.
I’ve composed a comprehensive list of Ariana Madix’s garage sale items that definitely don’t spark joy. Though at one point they might’ve been good as gold, now, these items need to be tossed, or at the very least, touched in public.
*Everything is under $20.
- 17 pairs of unisex glitter-stretch bell bottoms
- 1 Yellow Robe Smith
- 2 folders of embryo-freezing informational pamphlets
- 15 unopened packs of batteries and toilet paper
- 1 SalonPro $1,200 hair dryer
- A TomTom motorcycle and matching sidecar (discount offered due to baseball bat dents and cracked glass)
- 1 SIA Wig
- 1 “Dumplin’ Latte”-Maker
- Tom Schwartz’s folding camping chair
- An untouched stack of 8”x10” Tom Sandoval headshots
- 1 trumpet (would not recommend using before properly sterilizing)
- The TomTom Shot Freezing Machine
- 1 popsicle-themed tee-shirt
- 2 large boxes of sketch comedy scripts
- 45 Charles McMansion “Lets Touch In Public” Singles
- 1 copy of The Ethical Slut (unread)
- A Giant Novelty Check from Tom Sandoval’s “Fund-Rager” Birthday Party
- A tripod, selfie stick, and ring light from “Social Media Room”
- 1 set of stilts
- 3 stained towels stolen from the Golden Nugget pool
- 5 Boxes of Fancy AF cocktail books with Tom’s eyes scratched out
- 1 Karaoke Kit programmed with “Take On Me”/“Take On Me” sheet music (unopened)
- 1 Groomsmen tux, tailored to fit a woman. Worn once.
- 2 boxes of unused fireworks, labeled Rachella
- 1 signed cast photo of Lifetime’s “The Wrong Real Estate Agent”
- 4 Limited Edition Hydroxycut x TomTom collab VIP Swag
- A bag of penis flute shards
- 1 short brown-with-blonde-highlights wig, perfect for a “brazen” Halloween costume
- 1 garbage-can full of white nail polish
- 1 “Jen Rod” outfit from Schwartz’s bachelor party
- A pack of letters postmarked from Miraval Resorts
- More wigs
- The Replica of the Ninja Sword from Step Brothers signed by Randy Jackson (and returned by Jax Taylor)
- Every piece of lightning bolt paraphernalia EVER
- 5 tons of Tom’s emotional baggage
- Dozens of memories of a man you never truly knew
- The last-time-Ariana-and-Sandoval-Had-Sex T-Shirt (actually, burn it.)
Photos courtesy of Getty Images