Wednesday night featured the CMAs, one of the 50,000 country music awards shows that air throughout the year. At one point, Little Big Town absolutely slayed a performance of their song “Day Drinking” (and you thought country music didn’t “get” you…). At the end, America’s favorite container of high-fructose corn syrup concentrate Ariana Grande came out and sang … “Bang Bang,” which is an awesome song, but neither a Little Big Town song nor a country song. Check it:
She sounded fantastic, because Ariana Grande always sounds fantastic. It would be a little weird for a non-country artist to appear with a country band on a country awards show and sing a non-country song, but not Ariana Grande. What I’m trying to say is that all of these things make sense because Ariana Grande is actually a robot, and this performance proved it in case you still weren’t convinced. Consider the following:
- Ariana Grande sang her own song and not a country one because she is a robot, and robots can only follow their programing. Asking Ariana Grande to sing a country song is like asking a Mac to run a .exe file.
- You only ever see her wearing knee-high boots, or semi-opaque tights with closed-toe shoes. That’s because she has robot legs (along with robot everything else), and making convincing human-looking robot feet is hard.
- Ariana Grande has a superlative singing range. Of course she does! Electronics are capable of producing any sound they want, sometimes outside the audible frequency for humans!
- Ariana Grande doesn’t like comparisons to Mariah Carey. Why would she? Mariah Carey is a mortal human being, whereas Ariana is an infallible automaton. She therefore finds the comparisons baseless and unfair (to Mariah).
- Ariana Grande said she wished all her fans would “fucking die.” That doesn’t mean she hates them, it just means that death is the sweet reprieve that a robot like Ariana can never know, and she’s jealous of them.
- Ariana Grande has been criticized for poor enunciation when she sings. I mean, have you heard Siri talk? Compared to that, Ariana’s speech technology is actually really good!
- Ariana Grande is often seen wearing cat ears. Two words: WiFi antennas.
- Ariana Grande had the cops tell a fan to stop sending her shit. Duh. What can she do with a pumpkin when all the sustenance she needs is an AC adaptor and the occasional firmware update? What good are candles when machines cannot smell?
- Ariana Grande is a lousy dancer. DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?
I don’t know how much more proof you could possibly need. Ariana Grande, besides being a treasured hot mess and someone whose youthful looks make me feel really weird about being attracted to her, is a robot. She was probably only at the CMAs because of malware, or something. Try not to hold that against her.