Ariana Grande, What Are You Doing?

Guys, do we have another Britney and K-Fed situation on our hands? As much as I love Ariana Grande, I’m seriously starting to wonder if she’s okay. On Monday, news broke that Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson are engaged after less than a month of dating. That’s like, Khloé and Lamar levels of fast, and we all know how great that ended up. Group texts around the world went off as the shocking news spread, and everyone basically had the same reaction: um, what the fuck?

Since debuting their relationship publicly just a couple weeks ago, Pete and Ariana have been very high-key about each other. They’ve both been all over Instagram with grainy pics and videos of each other (okay, why do famous people love videos that look like they were taken on a ’90s camcorder?), and now it seems like they’re really going for it. Good for them, I guess? Nope, I tried, and I just can’t feel good about this. Pete’s Ariana tattoos freak me the fuck out, and I can’t help but feel like this is bound to go horribly wrong. My therapist told me I need to stop taking getting involved in other people’s problems, but today is not the fucking day.

What makes the fact that (reportedly) Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson are engaged even crazier is that they were both just in serious relationships A LITTLE MORE THAN A MONTH AGO. Ariana recently split with her longtime boyfriend Mac Miller, a white rapper we only sort of like because he has a song called “Fuck Donald Trump.” Pete, meanwhile, recently dumped Cazzie David (not Cassie, thank you very much, autocorrect), who is most famous for being Larry David’s daughter. They were like a young comedy It Couple, and a lot of people suddenly seem very concerned about whether she’ll be okay. If this deliciously shady Instagram post is any indication, I think she’ll be fine.

Been in Africa, what’d I miss ??

A post shared by CAZZIE (@cazziedavid) on

So like, what the fuck is going on with Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson? Are they okay? Are they headed for public mental breakdowns that we won’t be able to look away from? This engagement is fucking frying my mind, you guys. They haven’t technically confirmed the engagement yet, but there are signs on social media that it’s very likely the real deal. First of all, yesterday was Ariana’s mom’s birthday, so we got some lovely social media tributes. Most importantly, Ariana’s brother Frankie—who you might know because he’s the literal definition of extra—posted a photo where it looks like Ariana is wearing an engagement ring. Idk how much being on SNL pays, but clearly it’s enough for a nice rock.

Thank God Instagram lets you zoom now, because I’ve never been so invested in a photo of a Polaroid of a mother and her two children. But wait, there’s more. Along with the highly suspect jewelry, Ariana loves posting cryptic messages on Twitter between lots of tweets that are just like ” i love u guys sm ily,” and she was in rare form after the engagement news broke. Obviously her psycho fans were tweeting her about it, and her response to one of them definitely implies that she’s getting married to Pete. Wow.

“HE’S BEEN BRIEFED.” ARI NOOOOOOO. Seriously, is this a publicity stunt? Is this a real-life fucking publicity stunt? Ariana Grande has done some weird things in the past, but she’s never done anything quite this questionable. Just a year ago, she was busy being a warrior goddess after there was a bombing at her concert, and now she’s gonna marry some guy she’s been dating for less time than I’ve hoarded cups in my room?? Sweetie, there’s so much more out there in the world!

Another interesting question is whether they could have been secretly seeing each other while they were in relationships with other people, because that’s maybe the only scenario in which I could fathom getting engaged to someone you’ve been officially dating for LESS THAN A MONTH. Personally, I think this is unlikely, but I guess you never know. Ariana and Pete definitely would have known each other from when she went on SNL, but it would be pretty bold to have a secret romance while you’re both publicly dating other famous people. To me, this just seems like a textbook obnoxious whirlwind romance, which either means they’ll be broken up by Christmas, or they’re gonna be married for 50 years. It can really only go one of those two ways.

I won’t pretend to know what’s going to happen with these two crazy kids, but I can tell you that my blood pressure has never been higher.

Images: @arianagrande / Instagram; @cazziedavid / Instagram; @frankiejgrande / Instagram; @ArianaGrande / Twitter

Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer
Dylan Hafer has watched over 1000 episodes of Real Housewives because he has his priorities in order. Follow him on Instagram @dylanhafer and Twitter @thedylanhafer for all the memes you could ever want.