We have arrived at another Wednesday night, aka another missed opportunity for me to get blackout but instead I’m watching the poor man’s The Challenge. If you’ll recall last week was the “blind choice” aka the huge copout that allowed Morgan and Tori to live to see another week.
Cam: That just shows you in this game that anything can happen.
Everyone’s celebrating except Shanley who’s crying like “I’m a good person!”
Rashida: He’s calling you a bitch but he loves you.
Ah, spoken like a true fourth grader.
Devin in the confessional like “This is why I love Rashida. Rashida, if you’re watching this, welcome to your tape.” JK he’s like “Rashida you beautiful tropical sunfish, I love you.”
Morgan and Tori are talking post-match.
Morgan: I sh-sh-shared, did you?
Tori: *long pause* totally. I totally shared.
Morgan and Tori claim they both shared and I’m calling bullshit. ALTERNATIVE FACT! Where’s Sean Spicer when you need him? Actually, does anyone ever really need him?
Mike and Alicia are reveling over the fact that they’re still here. Alicia’s like “OMG if we win this shit…” Mike “…Yeahhhh??” Alicia: “I’m gonna…” Mike *getting harder by the second* Alicia: *kisses him on the cheek*
Mike: I just wanna feel that booty.
Alicia: I’m sure you do.
Mikala and Cam are being so fucking cute and in love and normally I would vomit but UGH I CAN’T TAKE IT THEY’RE SO FUCKING ADORABLE.
Mikala is way too hot to be this crazy of a cat lady. “What do you think our cat is doing right now?” I’ve had more interesting conversations with people who stop me on the street to ask for directions.
They’re gonna have to drive in a car together, which is honestly genius. Driving causes pretty much all fights in relationships. AND they gotta complete a list of errands?? Oh man. Relationships will be broken during this challenge.
AND THE DRIVER WILL BE BLINDFOLDED. Oh man. If I had to guess I’d say this is the challenge that breaks Cam and Mikala up.
Adam can’t even buckle his seatbelt so he’s gonna be great at this.
Devin: I thought once I put the blindfold on my other senses would enhance themselves.
If that were the case then blind people would be allowed to drive. You fucking idiot.
This is Mike’s favorite mission and I’m trying to make a joke about what that says about him but I’m coming up empty tbh.
Shanley’s version of giving Adam directions is yelling at him, punctuated by the occasional slap on the shoulder. Great communication skills.
Shanley: You know how to parallel park, right?
And she’s great at giving directions. What a catch.
Mikala: I’m a terrible driver but I’m also really aggressive and I make everyone throw up in the car.
Remind me to never drive with Mikala.
Third place is Morgan and Tori. Oh shit. Welcome back to the choice.
Cam and Mikala get second and cement themselves as a team to watch out for. Fuck, I am way too into this.
And the winner is…. Devlin and Rashida. LOL Mike being like “It’s us,” sounding like when you shout out the answer in class too confidently only to find out you’re wrong.
Andddd Mike and Alicia lose again.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Mike’s like “We just lost two in a row but Alicia and I are growing stronger.” Uh, pretty sure that’s the opposite of what’s happening. But I appreciate your attitude.
Tori is organizing a game of capture the flag because they’re not ALREADY competing in a giant game right now.
Cam’s begging Mikala to let him play a game and she’s like “No, let’s make out.” Spoken in a baby voice. Mikala is really regressing. Someone should see if she has Benjamin Button disease for real.
Adam and Shanley are still fighting about the challenge (still) and Shanley is like “outside of me slapping you on the shoulder, what did you do for me?” and has somehow managed to turn her failure to give adequate directions back around on Adam. This is—y’all already know what I’m gonna say—GASLIGHTING! Classic abuse relationship scenario! Shanley says Adam’s “letting” her walk all over him. WOW. I am seething at my computer screen. Can y’all imagine what would happen if the genders were reversed?
I kinda zoned out for Mike and Adam’s convo because someone stole my meme and I’m feeling personally attacked rn, so that’s happening.
Tori’s eyeing Morgan and he’s like “stop looking at me like that I’m not a piece of meat.” Tori’s like, “Yes you are.” Wow look at MTV, really challenging gender stereotypes over here. Well done.
It’s really hard for me to recap Cam and Mikala’s conversation rn because Cam is more articulate to the camera than he is to his own girlfriend. Like I don’t understand? Why couldn’t you just tell her…what you just told the camera… about the conversations lacking depth?
Cam: We should be able to talk to each other and we’re not.
Mikala: Ok Cameron. *rolls over*
Oh shit Cam is only 25? Wait, all these dudes are only 25 and are trying to cuff a girl up? Uh where the fuck these mature 25-year-old dudes at?? MTV, HELP A BITCH OUT!
Devin: Wouldn’t it be so funny if we fucked right now? Just hilarious?
Rashida: OMG ya sooo hilarious. Hahahaha
Oh my fucking god, just fuck already and get it over with. You’re not fooling anyone.
Karamo: Mike and Alicia, you might leave the house aka the very thing that brought you together. Does that scare you?
Mike: No, no matter what happens we’re gonna keep hanging out.
Inner Alicia: Don’t hold your breath.
And the couple voted in is… Cam and Mikala. Oh shit. Not mom and dad!
Cam’s like “I’m sorry for being an asshole and picking fights for no reason. You’re the best teammate I could pick so let’s win this thing.” And nothing about the fact that she’s your girlfriend and you love her?
Mikala: Cammy! I love you literally so much, but we’ve been fighting. If one of us stole I don’t think it would be the end of our relationship.
Cam to the camera: If Mikala stole it would be the end of our relationship.
Cam chose… Share.
Mikala chose… Share!!! Yayyyy. I’m the only person who’s excited, everyone else is like:
Mike and Alicia are like “We didn’t get money here or at the first house but it’s not all about money.” Spoken like some true broke bitches.