Alright, another Wednesday, another week of me recapping this show. Just like Asaf and Kaylen probably feel right now, I’m kind of surprised I’ve managed to make it this far. These and more terrible jokes, all in today’s recap.
Devin has a huge hard-on for Gio’s absence, while Mike is obviously psyched because he can finally shoot his shot with Alicia. Asaf is just grateful to be here and not get eliminated.
Asaf: So blessed. So moved. So grateful. Can’t believe this is my life. Promise to never take it for granted.
Meanwhile, Adam’s creeping on Carolina.
Adam to Carolina: I don’t usually go for girls like you. I usually go for 5s or 6s, not 10s.
Carolina has the appropriate response, which is to laugh and run away. She’s like “what about Shanley tho?” Good on Carolina, always lookin’ out. #GirlCode
Adam’s like “Shanley and I are just friends. Totally. There would never be anything physical between us,” which is eerily like what every girl says about all of her guy friends.
Adam tries to kiss Carolina; actual footage of what transpires:
That was a hard swerve, in case you didn’t get the joke. I didn’t tell you the jokes would be good.
They’re all playing a drinking game (Tori’s idea—spirit animal), and whoever loses has to streak.
Cam and Mikala are the “squares” of the house because they won’t play. Mike takes the opportunity to wax poetic about Alicia’s beauty.
Mike: From her lips, to her ass, to her titties, Alicia’s gorgeous.
Who said chivalry is dead, ladies?
Everyone’s naked and twerking and Mikala wants to go to sleep. Low-key me in the club. Cam wants to go hang and Mikala won’t let him.
The exact interaction between Cam and Mikala over whether or not he should go and hang is summed up as the following:
Mike and Alicia are on top of each other and he essentially asks her, “Why don’t you like me?”
Alicia: I push you away because I actually like you because I’m in fourth grade and we’re on the playground. (Some liberties taken by me in the quoting.)
Mike: At home I invite girls over to watch Netflix and fuck but I can’t do that here with Alicia. — why, because there’s no Netflix in the house?
For this mission they each get $200 to pick out a gift for the locals. Whoever gets the most thoughtful gift wins. Which is stupid because if you’re a local by definition you do not want any touristy bullshit gifts from the place where you live. But sure.
How did they find these people? Did they put out a casting call and were like “If you’re in Australia and you’ve ever seen Are You The One, you’re in”?
Mikala giving Cam advice on how to shop for this lady like “IDK. Do what you want, just don’t come back and say I fucked up your life.”
Mike and Alicia have $200 but they think $24 is too much to spend on one of the gifts. You guys have $200…for 5 people… Math is not their strong suit.
Adam: I’m pretending like I’m observing things but really I’m not paying attention this entire time. — This is me a lot of the time tbh. Whenever my boss gives me directions, whenever I’m walking down the street…
Carolina and Hayden are having a meltdown and Carolina is like “I wanna kill myself” and Hayden is like “same tho.” Good job, AYTO matchmakers! They’re really perfect for each other!
I am really so sick of Devin and Rashida bragging about themselves for an entire fucking episode. STOP. You’re not even winning!
Asaf is like “Hey let’s get the woman who likes the gym a bikini waxer. Bikini…gym…same thing!” Kaylen, please explain to Asaf what words mean.
Direct quote from Asaf: Yo this would be crazy if we get him a chair we’d be savages yo.
Somebody get this man to Urban Dictionary. That is not even close to the definition of savage.
Wow these people are some of the most ungrateful, hatin-ass motherfuckers I’ve ever seen. These idiots
people really tried to get you all thoughtful gifts when they only knew two random adjectives about you…the least you could do is say thank you.
Jodi: I like vintage stuff.
Also Jodi: My least favorite thing was the vintage clock because it’s ugly.
Morgan and Tori win the challenge. Asaf and Kaylen come in last AGAIN. That’s what happens when you buy someone a fucking chair as a gift. Also, do these people get to keep these gifts? If not, can I have one? I could use a chair *mutters* ingrateful-ass hoes.
Asaf: How did this nerdy Justin Bieber not like the chair? If he’d just sit on it he’d give us first place. —that was a direct quote, BTW.
Asaf says he wanted to date Kaylen after AYTO.
Kaylen: You never said you wanted to date me.
Asaf: Yeah but I thought it.
Don’t care about Hayden/Carolina and Morgan/Tori rehashing the same shit over and over. We all know the gist by now, right? K.
Devin and Co want to vote in Hayden and Carolina basically to keep Asaf/Kaylen in the house because they keep sucking. Devin is really giving Johnny Bananas a run for his money.
Carolina pulls Hayden aside and she’s basically like “You’re such a dick to me Idk why I’d even want to be your friend even though I’ve been trying” and he’s like “U right.”
Carolina’s crying and pouring her heart out and being like “you hurt me” and he’s like “K. If we go in tomorrow, press steal.”
AND IT. IS. GETTING. REAL.
Poor Mike is celebrating the fact that he “got to cuddling” like it’s an accomplishment. JFC Mike, this isn’t your first summer at sleepaway camp. Or actually maybe it is? IDK your life. Point is, this is not a milestone. It’s not even a base. Step it TF up.
OK I actually love this new host because he’s like “Ok you like that Alicia’s beautiful but what do you like about HER?”
Mike: I like that she makes me feel comfortable.
Host: Ok but that’s about YOU. What do you like about HER?
And the couple voted in is…Hayden and Carolina.
So basically Carolina shits on Hayden and is like “you’re mean to me, you’ve never tried to be my friend,” and Hayden is like “yeah.” The host is like “so why would you share tho?”
Carolina: At the end of the day I have a big heart
Translation: At the end of the day I’m a fucking doormat
Hayden doesn’t say shit because he knows he can’t say shit.
Carolina: I feel like our relationship has been horrible but at the end of the day I want you to trust me so I think you know to trust me to make the best choice for us.
Hayden: The ball is in your court I want whatever happens to us to be your decision and no matter what happens I trust you to make the best decision for us.
So basically they just said the same thing.
I hope to god she steals. If not she’s just gonna lose all the money later on.
Carolina chooses… SHARE. YOU IDIOT.
Hayden Chooses…. STEAL.
All the castmates + audience:
Holy shit. I thought I was shook last time but man. Fuck, I am into this show. Damn it, MTV. You got me. Guess I’ll be here all season.
The Host: Hayden, you chose steal. That means you’re going home with all the money; Carolina, that means you’re a lil punk-ass bitch.
Hayden’s like “This is the problem with Carolina, she’s always playing the victim” … he says to the girl he just stole from.
Carolina: Money can’t buy you happiness.
Hayden: But it can buy me a boat.
Honestly Hayden and Gianna deserve each other. Carolina says some shit about karma coming to get him in the end. To which I say, Hayden doesn’t need karma because we have Twitter. Let the memes roll in. Hayden, get ready to be dragged harder than the guy who hurt #HurtBae. I bet that guy’s breathing a sigh of relief, wherever he is.
Hayden: I tried to play this game but my heart took me elsewhere and when I saw an out I took it.
Carolina: Fuck you.
Hayden: I have no comment to Carolina. I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.
Devin’s congratulating Hayden on his “baller move,” so Rashida better watch out. Asaf and Kaylen are like “We suck, but we’re still in the game.” I can appreciate their realness. We’ll see if they finally get their shit together next week.