Welcome one, welcome all, to the first of what I hope will be at least a few Are You The One: Second Chances recaps, a show I may or may not have found out about only yesterday because I was
stalking Derrick’s Instagram seeing what MTV has been up to lately. Before we get started, I’d just like to point out that no, the byline is not a typo. Our beloved Betch Waldorf will not be recapping this season, and I will do my best to honor her legacy.
Oh who am I kidding? We all know you are all just going to comment about how much better her recaps were, week after week. What can I say, I’m a masochist. Apparently. But luckily for me and unluckily for you, I don’t read the comments. Look and you’ll find that in my three-year history of writing for Betches, the only time I felt so strongly moved to comment was to defend my choice not to include Simba in a ranking of Disney princes by hotness. I think that tells you anything you need to know about me.
Anywho, let’s get into this recap.
This is really like a walk down memory lane. If memory lane consisted of my favorite idiot misfits. So okay, yeah, accurate.
Hopefully the first episode, which is a glorified one-hour intro sequence, is not indicative of how starved for drama the rest of the season will be. If it is, I think I speak for all of us watching when I say: kill me now.
We open with Devin and Rashida, who are trying entirely too hard to make “Team Puppet Master” happen. A team name like that doesn’t make you sound like the evil masterminds you think it does. It just makes you sound creepy.
Season 4’s fave couple, Cam and Mikala are back. I have nothing bad to say about them, I hope they get married and MTV films the wedding. We will, obviously, recap that wedding. I will not be going through a list of every couple who’s appearing on this season because you’re all watching it, yes? Ok good.
Since we last caught up with Ellie, she has darkened her hair and learned how to put on one swipe of eyeliner. She has not, unfortunately, figured out how to speak coherently.
I feel duped that Derrick is on this show, as glad as I am to see his face, because I came across his Bumble profile a few weeks ago and the only reason I’ve kept my profile is in the vain hopes he’ll match me. Should I have admitted that on a website he or his friends might read?
His team name with Cas is “Team Dark and Sassy,” which doesn’t even rhyme, nor is it a pun. I wonder if coming up with corny team names was a prerequisite to the competition, or they all just thought they were entering a beer pong competition at a dive bar?
Why are all the teams holding GoPros when they’re all being filmed by a camera crew? It makes about as much sense as Max’s job on Catfish.
I think the biggest disappointment thus far, aside from Gio’s presence, is the fact that Ryan Devlin is not hosting. Like, do you really expect me to believe he has something better to do? Star as another pedophile priest on an episode of Law & Order: SVU? I don’t mean to sound like the popular guy in a teen drama, but I don’t trust this new guy.
So basically what I and my two-margs-deep mind are gathering is that this show is The Amazing Race meets The Challenge meets half the IQ and physical stamina required to be on either show. Great!
We waste no time getting to the challenge, which is that each team has to find their way to their house. In Melbourne, Australia. From the back of a cab. How EVER will they do it??
Glad to know MTV is still trying to make the slo-mo happen.
Mike: Alicia and I have a lot of chemistry but the only thing that was missing was
the romantic side the fact that she fucked everybody’s match.
Like, really, the first challenge is to find your way to a house using various cabs in an English-speaking country? TELL ME HOW THIS IS HARD. Ok so maybe Ellie doesn’t speak English, I will concede this will be difficult for her.
The first task: Find 5 emojis on a giant wall of graffiti. This is like, what I do every morning on Instagram at 5am. I could, and in fact do, literally do this in my sleep. And then there’s a crossword puzzle involved. So we’ve gone from: my drunk Saturday night activities to my Sunday morning hungover pasttime.
Ellie is looking at a map of Australia aka the country SHE IS IN RIGHT NOW, and miscorrectly identifies it as Great Britain. Someone please send this to Betsy DeVos as a reason why we fucking need money for the schools. SAVE THE CHILDREN.
Tori: IDGAF how dirty this alley is.
I would hope not, seeing as you’re from fucking Queens. This alley is probably nicer than your apartment.
So I didn’t watch AYTO OG aka season 1 but Shanley sounds like a summer beer I might drink.
They live at 100 Match Road. Somewhere, Ryan Devlin is chuckling to himself. “You’re crazy for this one,” he whispers.
Shanley: How do you hail a cab? I don’t know how to hail a cab. How do you hail a cab?
Adam: Like this *sticks arm out*
Gio: We should take their bags to slow them down.
Jesus Gio, this isn’t the homeless shelter. Have some chill. Wait. EPIPHANY: Gio is the Chad of Are You The One.
Kaylen is back with Asaf and I’ve gotta say, I’m liking this new hair/new scarf/new vibe. Also I totally forgot they were a match. Whoops.
Asaf: Once you slide in you can’t go back.
Glad to see nothing’s changed re: Asaf’s incoherent, sexually charged, made-up idioms.
Devin and Rashida come in first and win …. their first choice of bedrooms.
And $40,000. Ok, fine.
Of course Asaf came in second. This dude was in the fucking IDF (I assume). If so, he probably could have found his way to this spot blindfolded, through a sand storm, with nothing but the latitude and longitude coordinates of an abandoned lot two miles away.
Shandy and Adam come in third. Asaf pops a bottle screaming Yolo because the phrase “Yolo” probably only arrived in Israel six months ago, along with Notorious B.I.G.’s smash hit “Hypnotize”.
Nathan looks totally different and somehow like even more of a little bitch since season 2. He insists he and Ellie are just friends even though they talk all the time for a few months, get in a fight and stop talking, which kind of sounds like a relationship to me.
Derrick is just like, too much of a fucking Southern gentlemen to ask for some directions. Come on, Derrick. You’re hailing a cab, not asking a woman her age.
Derrick and Cassandra come in last. Kind of a metaphor for their entire reality TV career so far.
Mike and Alicia enter the house and are far too cocky for two people who came in 9th place out of 10.
Cas: Derrick I’m so sorry I felt like I could have done a little more.
This is an accurate statement, because literally anything is more than the absolute nothing she did.
Derrick, however, is like “it’s not your fault, it takes two.” HOW IS THIS MAN SINGLEE? HOW??!? I’m starting to think that Derrick is not real and is just a character created by women’s magazines and Shonda Rhimes.
Gio goes off on his own because the sky is blue and Alicia is like “it’s weird you’re alone.” Alright, who put their money on 10 minutes until Alicia moves in on her new target?
Gio: It wasn’t weird when I was alone on my season. It wasn’t weird when nobody gave a fuck about me. It wasn’t weird when I grew up on the block, with my thang cocked, possibly sitting on a drop now.
Alicia “has seen where Gio comes from” and I’m getting major Kaylen vibes. #Tbt
Alicia steals Gio’s hat — classic girl flirting move.
Carolina is trying to convince Hayden that she is a better girl for him than Gianna. She’s like, one move away from breaking out into a Sam Smith song.
Hayden’s like “my relationship with Gianna is so strong she’s apartment shopping for us right now.” While you’re in Australia. Playing a game based on love and trust. With the girl a bunch of
scientists producers said is your perfect match. Can’t imagine what could go wrong with this scenario.
Ugh did this new host really just dab? Get this guy outta here.
New Guy, whose name I refuse to learn on principle, explains how elimination is going to work. All the perfect matches vote on who will go against Derrick and Cas. Elimination is called “the choice,” and although we have no idea WTF it entails, we know one thing: it was not created by the GOP. We do know it’s a “high-stakes game to test your trust in your partner,” so I’m envisioning some kind of stunt where they suspend them all off a building or some shit. Or like, maybe they’ll fuck with all the girls’ birth control and not tell them.
Tori is like “Morgan and I don’t really have trust since I dumped him for his roommate.” Like, yeah, that’s generally how it works.
Devin and Rashida still haven’t given up their whole Disney villain persona and are bragging about their amenities. I can’t wait to see this bite them in the ass later on in the season.
Devin: As you guys sleep six inches off the ground like the peasants you are, I will be in a king size bed.
As if any of this is news to Tori and Morgan, since they live in New York. And actually, a mattress on the floor is probably a luxury Gio has never known.
So what does Gio do? Strip and jump on their bed. For the record, that bed is king size like my fuckboy’s dick is 10 inches. AKA no way in hell.
Alicia and Gio just kissed. Who saw that coming? Oh right, all of us. Moving on.
Derrick: Do you think the challenge is physical or mental?
Cas: IDK as long as you trust me. Do you trust me?
Derrick: I trust you, Jack.
Derrick says they’re more confident than ever going into elimination, which is eerily what the people who get their asses handed to them say. I hope I’m not right, but I usually am about these things.
In an unexpected bit of behind-the-scenes footage I did not need to see, Derrick wants to put a hickey in the spot right under Cas’s chin. Over her mole.
Welp. Attraction gone. Thank you.
Mikala and Cam are that annoying couple who’s PDA all over the place. They probably make out in parks and shit. Honstly, not even mad because y’all are so beautiful and in love. It makes me sick.
Morgan and Tori have a conversation and decide to go by the name Team Awkward As Fuck. Which is one way to deal with your problems. I guess.
Tori wants to put her head on his chest and shit and Morgan’s like “I wouldn’t mind being friends.” Curve level: expert.
“I wouldn’t mind being friends” = what I’m going to say to every ugly guy I meet on Bumble now.
Everyone’s forming alliances and naturally people are worried Devin is going to fuck them over. Because he’s Devin.
Devin: If I’m gonna stab you I’m not gonna stab you in the back I’m gonna stab you in the fucking heart.
If you’re not convinced I’m sure Kiki can corroborate that statement.
Devin forms an alliance with Ellie and Nate and Shannon and Adam straight off the bat.
Devin: We’re pulling the strings. We’re the puppet masters they’re the puppets.
Isn’t that ALSO word for word what you said about Kiki? Let’s roll the tape.
Devin: We have ducks on the pond. If we don’t shoot them, they’re gonna fly away.
Devin probably prepared for this show by reading The Idiot’s Guide To Becoming A Cartoon Supervillain. Step 1: Give yourself a creepy name. Step 2: Speak only in unnecessary metaphors.
Hayden doesn’t want to form an alliance because he “was taught to take on the best, take on the strongest, take on the fastest,” or in layman’s terms, “male fragility.”
Devin: Your partner wants to be with us? Where the fuck do you wanna be, brother? Where the fuck do you wanna be?
Also Devin: Let the fucking games begin, baby!
Devin. You’re already the villain of this season. You can chill with the one-liners (that’s Step 3, btw).
Carolina and Hayden get voted into
The Truth Booth elimination.
Devin: Immune looks good on us, Rashida.
Please. Please stop. We already hate you. You’ve done your job.
I’m really glad they brought their B-list outfits for the spinoff show. Except for Franny’s vampy lipstick and tattoo choker which I am LIVING FOR. Also please note that Gio is literally wearing his third eye. He is not one for subtlety.
Gio: Devin thinks he’s the shit because he got first place in the first competition. At the end of the day over my dead body will you leave here with a fucking dollar.
Seems a little extreme to threaten to kill yourself so someone else doesn’t win money, no?
Devin: Better start digging your grave then.
Gio: You’re a pussy and I’m gonna keep you here to ensure that you leave here with nothing.
I don’t think Gio understands how the game works. You want to eliminate the people that—nvm.
So it seems like these challenges are just a series of prisoners’ dilemmas. Which seems great because I‘m sure none of these idiots have ever taken Micro Economics. Reason #452 I need to
disappoint my dad apply to be on Are You The One?
OK here’s the deal with this choice: Hayden and Carolina go up to these podiums with the lock in screen you remember on Are You The One? because MTV has all but run out of ideas. Each person can choose to “share” or “steal”. If both people share, it means they stay in the game together and Cas and Derrick go home. If one person steals, they take the entire bank for themselves and bounce, leaving the other high and dry. If they both pick steal, they both go home and Cas and Derrick get all their money AND stay in the game. In other words, this is just a poor man’s prisoner’s dilemma/every psychology experiment on altruism ever. Wait, what if… this show is one big social experiment? #HighThoughts
Carolina: I get the trust thing now. I get it.
Hayden: Welp. I’m fucked.
Tori: I feel bad for Carolina. You should never have to sell yourself for a shitty match.
Incidentally that’s what I tell myself every time a Tinder date gives me shit for not putting out.
The Squid: I want to give you both a moment to tell your perfect match exactly how you feel about them.
Carolina: I don’t trust this guy for shit. He led me on in the honeymoon suite. It happened 2 weeks ago. I’m not gonna fuck you over, I have the best intentions for you.
Hayden: You is kind. You is smart. You is important.
K that’s not really what he said but I took some liberties and jazzed it up a bit. As far as eliminations go, this is anticlimactic af. I’m literally just watching two people press a button. Where’s the bloodshed? Where’s the pizzazz?
Karolina chose share.
Hayden chose … share.
That means they both stay in the house which means Derrick and Cas are going home. Which is kinda bullshit because they didn’t even get to go head to head/get a chance to defend themselves. I’m kinda pissed for them. But maybe that means Derrick will be back on Bumble …. So blessed. So moved. So grateful. Can’t believe this is my life.
As a final thought, watching Rashida act as Devin’s sidekick is extremely cringeworthy. She’s like the LeFou to his Gaston. You know what, I would be down with her having a gay moment on this season. Stay tuned.