Hello and welcome to the final episode of season six of Are You The One?—the show that you’re too ashamed to admit you watch but also gives you pride about your current life. I cannot tell you the confidence I have gained since watching all my peers fumble around on this shit show. My skin is clearing up, my teeth are whitening, and my boobs grew a little bit. Thanks, MTV!
But in all seriousness, I have suffered through this shit for the last 11 weeks, and this cast is beginning to feel like an ingrown hair on the taint of reality television. Everyone wants them off and they make it uncomfortable.
AFTER THE MATCH-UP
After getting five beams on week nine, they’re like, “Maybe we’re playing this wrong?” Idk, the whole “not winning” thing is really indicating something. Ethan, with an optimism that only a white rapper can have, tells everyone that they can still win. Keith and Ethan continue to try and reassure the house, but much like the country in 2017, everyone is pretty ready to accept the L.
KEITH TO THE HOUSE: This is part of my plan.
NARRATOR: This was not a part of his plan.
All the castmates run up, and truly I think the challenges are the only time these girls wear bras.
The boys and the girls have to nominate a boy and a girl to be picked. The boy and girl chosen can’t go into the truth booth together, so they pick Dimetri and Keyana, hoping that someone
can look into their hearts can try to like these people.
The guys have to guess how they think Keyana would guess at questions and vice-versa. Last person standing goes on a date.
Michael guesses Keyana’s dumbass answer wrong, and she starts crying. She’s like, “Am I fucking this up?” and it’s like, well, kind of sweetie.
They are depending on DD and Dimetri, which means they are holdin’ onto nothin’ here.
Malcolm wins the date with Keyana, while Jada wins the date with Dimetri. This is amazing because Jada fucking hates Dimetri, and I support it. That man child really needs a new name. I don’t think I have spelled it right this whole season. Oh well.
Meanwhile, Alexis and Keith are talking about their future together. Alexis is really looking forward to those weekly conjugal visits Keith will get, ya know, once she goes to jail for fucking stabbing him in his sleep.
Everyone in the house is like, “Okay, so if Keith is the leader, why is he still dating his no match?” Omg Karen, you can’t just ask people why they’re hypocritical!
Dimetri is like, “When I heard we were going on an airboat I thought it was a flying boat.” Okay, who dropped you as a child? For real.
Jada is about three seconds away from feeding Dimetri’s boney ass to the alligators, and Keyana and Malcolm are like, “Oh wow, they are so in love.” One of these people in the house is on a fast track to marrying a serial killer, I swear.
THE TRUTH BOOTH
The whole house is like, “Hate can turn into love,” and it’s like, when has that ever actually happened, bedsides in early 2000’s Sandra Bullock movies? Of course, by that logic, they put Jada and Dimetri in the Truth Booth.
Of course, Jada and Dimetri get a no match, and I swear they start fist pumping.
They come back to the house, and everyone is like, “It’s so crazy that didn’t work!” They decide to use “their brains and their hearts”—ya know, the two body parts that they never utilize—to figure out who their matches are.
They are literally just running around and sitting with old matches and introducing themselves to people they have known for two and a half months. This is like, the weirdest sorority recruitment ever.
ZOE: What I never knew about Ethan in the three months of living here is that he is actually a person who exists. He could for sure be my match.
Keith tells all the children that they can disperse and hang out with their matches, but if they’re not home practicing matches in 30 minutes, they are grounded!
Of course, these rules don’t apply to Keith, because he’s a good Republican boy, and he goes to hang out with Zoe, not Jada. Alexis sees this and is like, “He is supposed to be with Jada, for the good of the house!!!!!” Ah, yes. Alexis the martyr. It has nothing to do with the fact that Keith is low-key into Zoe.
Alexis is like, “Okay, if you’re going to talk to Zoe, I’m going to go suck Michael’s dick.” Don’t call her a hero.
Straight out of the porn movies that raised her, Alexis pours a beer down her shirt, and Michael shoves his face in her chest. They start aggressively making out, while Keith is like, “Alexis, where is my beer?” If this doesn’t feel like a glimpse into their future, idk what does.
KEITH: Ma! The meatloaf! I never know what she’s doing back there.
Alexis comes out like, straight-up in a bra, and Keith is like, “Why are you dressed like more of a ho than usual?” Alexis tries to lie and fails at that faster than she failed out of middle school.
Eventually, Alexis admits that Michael kissed her and “it wasn’t a big deal.” Keith is like, “No big deal? This is
the fertility vase of the Ndebele Tribe my heart! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
In a drunken rage, Keith goes into the bedroom, takes Alexis’ childhood toy, Bridget, and THROWS IT IN THE FUCKING FIRE. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Destroying childhood memorabilia is a level of petty I aspire to reach.
All the girls are like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING,” and Keith explains about how Alexis made out with Michael. Alexis starts flipping out and burning his shoes, and suddenly, everyones’ belongings are being thrown in the pool/fire. Damn, you can take these two out of the double wide, but you can’t take the double wide out of their hearts.
ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ALEXIS AND KEITH:
JADA: White people are fucking crazy.
THE FINAL MATCH-UP
Finally, time to wrap this shit up. It’s the girl’s pick tonight, so if they get this right tonight, it’s like, in the name feminism, obviously.
Geles is first, and she has a tough pick, because she is torn between Clinton and Ethan—the guy she wants to bone and the guy that instantly makes her want to vomit. Maybe she’s trying to see beyond their looks, but her eyelashes have prevented her from looking at pretty much anything.
Eventually, she and her eyelashes pick Clinton.
Audrey picks the Shad. She’s like, “I need to stop looking for Prince Charming and focus on what’s in front of me.” Yeah, I don’t see a dude named “The Shad” being your white knight anytime soon.
SHAD: I can call my dick Excalibur, if that’s what you’re into.
Zoe picks Ethan. He’s like, “I CAN’T BELIEVE I DATED THIS GIRL.” Oh, sweet boy. The real world will crush you like a bug.
Alexis is up, and she’s like, “Terrence, do you know Bridget? My stuffed animal? You know, the one I sleep with every night? Do you know her?” TJ is like, “No bitch, but you need to get to know a therapist.”
She tells him about how Keith burned it in the fire, and TJ is like, “Please God, tell me you can’t procreate.”
Alexis is like, “If we lose, it’s my fault,” and Michael’s like, “Yup, not me! All you! Fuckin’ girls, so crazy! AmIRiggggght?”
Alexis picks Anthony. WTFFFFF. Everyone is like, “You guys know each other?” Alexis is like, “Sure, I love Anthony! I blame all of his family for taking our jobs. We really vibe.”
Keyana picks Michael.
Terrence is like, “Do you think you’re a player?” and Michael’s like, “Well, I bottle up my emotions.” Damn Michael, are you a street that I hate driving on? Because that was a fucking roundabout, if I’ve ever seen one.
TJ: Michael, do you think the sky is blue?
MICHAEL: Well, I think colors make up the rainbow.
Michael apologizes to Keyana for being an asshole, and she’s like, “K, whatever dude.” Who would have thought by the end of this we would all be rooting for Keyana?
Nurys picks Dimitri, because no one else will.
Alivia picks Malcolm, because if you can’t settle for worst, always go for the second worst.
DD picks Kareem, because they have so much in common! I mean, did you see how they both put one foot in front of the other? Amazing.
Joe picks Uche, based on their mutual hate of religion. Same.
Keith and Jada are last. TJ asks Keith about Alexis, and he starts crying because Alexis hurt his wittle feelings. Jada is like, “No offense, but Alexis is trash, and I’m a good person.” #tru
Overall, there are a lot of crazy matches here, so I’m pretty skeptical. But if there is anyone who can make up for last year’s failure, it’s
MTV’s producers season six!
Beams start to roll in, and they finally get six, which they have never gotten before.
It keeps going, and holy fucking shit, THEY WIN. I haven’t felt this miserable about a win since November 2016.
Of all the injustices in the world, this may be the biggest. They did not deserve to win—literally Keyana deserved all that money.
Whatever, they can all officially pay off their community college bills and become moderate Instagram stars like they always planned.
I guess there is a two-part reunion, too. Because Alexis has more belongings that Keith didn’t get a chance to light on fire, so obvi we have to come back.