Hello people who weirdly read this recap/watch this show—aka my mom, the self-obsessed cast members, the Betches editor, and the people who are members of the cult-like Are You The One? subreddit. It’s a fresh new week of AYTO and it’s really a well-rounded shit storm this week. There is romance, heartbreak, redemption and flying produce—it’s basically on its way to winning an Emmy.
AT THE HOUSE
So last week, they hit a new low, literally, and only got one fucking beam. You can practically see the steam coming from Joe’s ears.
JOE: What is this? A reality show for ants? It needs to be at least, 11 times bigger!
They go back to the house, and Kareem does what he does best and opens his big fat trap to spew some stupid shit. He’s yelling at Team Likeable—Ethan, Tyler and Joe—and Shad, calling them losers.
He’s like, “Hey Tyler, how about you play the ukulele all night, you fuckin’ loser!” Good one, Kareem! Yeah, fuck that guy and his musical pursuits! I imagine Kareem is one of those people who practices his arguments in the shower.
If there are two things I am knowledgeable about in this world, its basic 10th grade science—the mitochondria is the power house of the cell—and historic Are You The One? downfalls. One of those skills is useful, and the other is the powerhouse of the motherfuckin’ cell. WHAT I’M SAYING IS—as an expert, I can weigh in and say that these no match couples are for sure, and always will be, the reason they lose this game.
Anthony decides to pull his head out of his ass and consider the fact that he and Geles might be fucking up the game by being a no-match couple. He’s like, “I’m just now seeing things for what they are,” and Geles is like, “god it must be nice to see.”
Anthony breaks up with Geles, and she’s like, “But if we’re not a couple now, we’ll never be a couple in the real world!” and okay *puts expert hat on*, it’s more likely that if you’re a couple in the house, you’ll never last in the real world. But I guess Geles really doesn’t know what the real world is like, having only seen it through the stripes of her dangling lashes.
She’s like, “I’m over this game.” And it’s like, honey, take a number. I’ve been over this show since 2014, yet here we are.
Back to Nurys, who is like, “I literally want anyone but DD to be with Malcolm. I don’t even care who. E-Money, get over here.”
Nurys apologizes to Malcolm for letting a dude lick chocolate off her nipple. It’s kinda crazy they don’t make a Hallmark card for that.
Nurys starts crying about how she always loses guys to another girl, and it’s like, well, you’re a self-proclaimed sidechick, so you have willingly put yourself in this position.
NURYS: *crying* It’s just so hard having all these problems that I created, knowingly!!!!
Malcolm’s like, “I have feelings for two girls again,” and they start kissing. This is without a doubt the weirdest episode of Malcolm In the Middle I have ever seen.
Meanwhile, Keith is like, “Oh, was there a fight with Tyler and Kareem? I must have missed it, because I WAS HAVING SEX WITH ALEXIS. Yup, lots of sex. Loud sex, too. Soooooo much loud, screaming donkey sex.”
He’s like, “Wouldn’t it be cool in the real world, if like, everyone fights and nuclear bombs drop, and I’m just like, having sex with Alexis?” *hits blunt* Oh, to be young and have the IQ of a baked potato.
For the challenge, they have to pair up and make some gumbo. The uncultured swine that make up this cast are like, “What’s gumbo?”
Alexis is like, “I’m from West Virigina, we don’t know what gumbo is!” Dude, I’m from California. I know people that have literally eaten kale and ice cubes for six straight days, and I STILL know what gumbo is.
The couples have to be strapped up together to make the gumbo, then Terrence J is the judge of the gumbo, because apparently when he’s not being the host of a D-List MTV show, he also moonlights as a Cajun food critic. Be sure to add that to your less than stellar IMDb page, TJ.
They all pair off with people, who are mostly new, and they all look like they have never ever spent a second behind a fucking stove. Isn’t it hazardous for Geles to be near an open flame with her lashes dangling in the wind?
Really, Shad? You’re gonna put fuckin’ cinnamon in the gumbo? What do you think gumbo is? A fuckin’ pastry? When is the last time you’ve seen a fucking cup of gumbo sold at a Cinnabon? Jeeeeesus.
Alexis/Keith (team whitebread) win (which is fucking insane), and Geles/Clinton get second.
BACK TO THE SHITHOLE MANSION
Malcolm and DD are still flirting and stuff, and Nurys is still flippin’ out. Like, why?
Nurys starts yelling at DD for like, rightfully pursing Malcolm, and it’s a mess. DD actually picks up some fucking bananas and starts throwing them at her. Never did I think a fruit would be a weapon of choice, so points for creativity. This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
Jada’s looking at these hoes like they have lost their damn mind.
REAL PICTURE OF JADA:
Nurys is crying and is like, “I’m tired of fighting for this man and being the sidechick!” Tyler, can you play Nurys the world’s smallest violin?
For the date, they are going on a seaplane that MTV got them via Groupon. Geles is like, “Wow, a plane is on water, that is so crazy.” Very good, Geles. Why don’t you sit down? We all know that exercise of brain power hurt.
CLINTON: Geles is short, so this will be the first time she can see things!
Alexis looks like she is off to church for her date with Keith, which is giving me whiplash from the Coyote Ugly vibe she normally gives.
Geles and Clinton do what normal people do on a first date and discuss their future children.
CLINTON: Our kids are going to be so cute. So, what’s your last name?
Alexis is like, “I’m such a pussy ass bitch, I’m so in love with Keith.” Wow, I’m sure he’s thrilled to hear that. “I hate myself because I love you.” I mean, I’ve seen every episode of Criminal Minds, and Alexis’ reactions to certain things are like, a cause for alarm. *starts twitter poll* Is Alexis a psychopath?
ALEXIS: *cousin murders someone* She should be free. Live free! YOLO! Luv u!
ALSO ALEXIS: *falls in love* This is horrible. Fuckin’ A. Worst day of my life.
ME, AN INTELLECTUAL:
THE TRUTH BOOTH
Shockingly (not), they vote Alexis and Keith into the Truth Booth. When Terrence J sees Alexis in her Easter dress, he’s like, “I feel like you dressed like a hoe when you’re single.” She’s like, “Well TJ, I’m a spoken for lady, now.” God, I feel like Mike Pence directed this episode.
ALEXIS GETTING READY FOR HER DATE:
But alas, team whitebread is a no match. Sad! Very Unfair!
They both take it pretty well—Alexis immediately starts drinking, and Keith immediately plots how to fuck the next girl. This is pretty much how all millennial relationships end.
The house is like, “Hey, we suck at this.” Really? What gave that away? Shad, of all people, the Cinnamon man, himself, has the smart idea of doing speed dating to get to know everyone. I thought I hated the cast members before, but now I really hate them for forcing me to agree with something Shad said.
Some couples hit it off like Uche and Michael, who both discovered they have no personalities. Keyana and Anthony bond over the lack of airtime they get on this show. Audrey still pretends like she isn’t into Shad, which I totally understand.
Tyler. Sweet, sweet Tyler. Tyler is really into Nicole, who literally looks like she would rather set herself on fire than date him. They go on a little mini date, and the cringe level is off the fuckin’ charts. She tells Tyler that she’s into short guys, which is a) fuckin’ unheard of and b) bad for Ty, since he’s so tall. He’s damn near whisperin’ to Jesus.
There was literally a bigger spark between DD and that banana. Yiiiiikes.
THE MATCH UP CEREMONY
Shad is like, “We can’t blackout, the Shad doesn’t blackout.” Yet, somehow I find myself desperately seeking a blackout anytime I have to watch the Shad.
Keyana picks Anthony, who very obviously does not miss Geles at all. Keyana, however, says she “misses Michael,” which is so weird, because doesn’t she have a shrine to him in her closet? Like, you can’t miss him that much, when you sneak into his bed every night to collect his stray hairs for your collection.
Alexis picks Joe, the only other human in the house who thinks mayonnaise is a spice.
Uche picks Michael, yawn.
Geles picks Clinton, because who else would she pick?
Zoe picks Keith.
Audrey picks the Shad. I’m telling you, they are gonna hook up.
Nurys and Kareem bonded at the speed dating about being chemically imbalanced and off their medications, so they match up too.
DD picks Dimitri (The spelling of his name, I swear, literally changes every episode) in the low grade remake of Dumb & Dumber.
Alivia picks Malcolm.
Nicole cringes and picks Tyler.
Jada picks E-Money. #SomeoneLoveEMoney
I guess the Shad was right twice this episode—they don’t blackout. They actually get four beams, which they are stoked about. This whole thing reminds me of college, where I would drink champagne, if I got a 60% on a test.
You can’t disappoint yourself if you don’t set any standards, I guess.