Last week our band of degenerates got 9 beams. I don’t want to name anyone specifically but *cough, cough* SHANNON *cough* fucks up their whole plan and chooses Tyler instead of Joey because “her heart told her to”. It’s a goddam mess but did you really expect the girl who sounds like a fuckin’ Teletubby to make the smart decision?
So now it’s the finale. 9 beams before the last week is pretty fuckin’ legit, I gotta say. There was a small moment of pride I had for my peers, but then I remembered they willingly signed up for this show and my pride turns to sympathy.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
For the first time in AYTO history, the strategy worked and everyone is ready to turn the fuck up. Miracles happen in the strangest places.
Basically what they all agree is that the game has come down to 6 otherwise irrelevant people: Derrick, Cas, Shannon, Tyler, Hannah and Joey, who in case you may have forgotten, is a trashman. Just keeping you updated!
Derrick’s talking to Shannon about how she fucked everything up and she’s like “I STOOD MY GROUND!!!” Okay that’s cute and all, but this isn’t Barney anymore you pre-pubescent fuck, this is MONEY. You know, that thing adults use to live?
Shannon is basically like “I don’t like being told what to do.” Spoken like a true 6-year-old. She also tells Derrick she still loves Tyler and he’s like “DOPE.”
Tyler, however, is suddenly like “ugh I don’t like Shannon that much.” Hannah, Tee and the whole 16 viewers that watch this show are like “yeah, we know.”
Also remember when Rush Boobs and Ozzy were a thing? Yeah, that’s a thing again. *Vomits*
RUSHBOOBS EXPLAINING THEIR SEX TO HER PARENTS: We never got to explore our relationship!
RUSHBOOBS INTERNALLY: Cat’s gotta eat ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Rushboobs is like “we finally got rid of the sexual tension!” Oh thank sweet baby Jesus you did! I’m sure the rest of the house was like “how are we ever going to exist with this sexual tension around?!” You’re a goddam martyr, really.
The final challenge is for the dudes and Ryan creatively calls it “Eat, Vomit, Love.” I think the thing the cast members are most excited about is never having to forcefully laugh at one of Ryan’s dad jokes ever again.
Basically, Ryan is going to read descriptions of the ladies and the dudes have to figure out who he’s talking about. If they want to date her, they have to eat whatever Ryan gives them. And we all know MTV doesn’t give a fuck about their contestant’s health so they’re fasho gonna feed them some nasty-ass shit.
MTV PRODUCERS TO DOCTORS: Will this kill them?
DOCTOR: No, but it might cause—
MTV PRODUCER: Feed them it.
The boys are like, “hmmm huge problem, I don’t actually like any of these girls.” Can the whole “date” thing be optional? Either way, the two dudes who eat everything go the dates.
Derrick, Joey and Tyler need to win. That’s it. That’s the whole plan. Like marbles, meet one basket. Because that always works out.
The first treat is a smoothie made of fish guts. Sounds like some Whole 30 shit.
The hint for the first girl is that she likes football and chicken wings. She also probably says “I’m not like other girls” a lot. And it’s also Cas.
Of course, Joey just looooooves Cas but he hates fish. Joey downs the smoothie in legit 15 seconds and immediately starts vomiting into a trashcan that he’ll need to empty after the show.
The next clue is “I like to go skydiving and be adventurous.” Something that vague and childish sounds exactly like some shit Shannon would say, so Derrick is like FUCK IT and eats a bunch of pig skin.
Please remember that a) Derrick HAS to get Shannon otherwise this is a bust and b) Joey is a trashman.
When Ryan reveals who the girls are at the end, we find out he won a date with Tee. But they can’t go into the Truth Booth again, because of last week’s trade. So now, Joey and Cas are the only couple that can go into the truth booth and everyone is fucked.
Isn’t this fun?!
BACK AT HOME
Tee decides to set up a date for Jaylan because he’s probably her match. Seems a little forced but Tee’s gotta show Jaylan the ropes on how to get airtime.
TEE: So see Jaylan, this is a camera. I know it’s new to you, but it follows the rest of us around the house.
Tee talks about how he’s genuine and is the perfect person for her and I’m getting a very strong brother-sister vibe from them. Could be wrong, but I doubt it.
Rushboobs and Ozzy are talking about the boom boom room, because the saying “don’t kiss and tell” doesn’t apply when you’ve fucked. I think the most concerning part about all of this is that a girl I call “Rushboobs” in casual conversation will move on to educate the youth of America. Somewhere, in her private jet fueled by the tears of underpaid teachers everywhere, Betsy DeVos is smiling.
But guess who happens to listen into this conversation—good ole’ Gianna, who sits behind walls drumming her man hand fingers together like:
For the first time, I lowkey agree with Gianna (don’t @ me) as she goes to give Hannah a heads up. Like, I would want to know if the dude I’m fucking is fucking other girls. In my mind, this is Ozzy’s and Rushboob’s fault, not Gianna’s. Again, don’t @ me.
Hannah straight-up does not believe Gianna when she tells her and Gianna’s like “okay bitch, you gonna learn today.”
Hannah confronts Ozzy about his feelings for Rushboobs and he’s like “I feel comfortable with her.” Yeah well I feel comfortable in my IKEA couch—doesn’t mean I fuck it.
Hannah’s like “did you have sex?” and he’s like YUP. Well, that was easy. Hannah is like “YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE!! YOU ARE NOT WHO I THOUGHT YOU WERE!!” And it’s like what? Were you absent when he hooked up with Alicia? Because I can refer you to my recap of that episode if you need a reminder. Also, remember Joey is STILL a trashman.
Hannah’s like “wait I kissed Joey and you got mad. But you fucked Rushboobs and I can’t say shit!” Damn, that gender-based double standard though.
Hannah goes and cries in a closet. This whole show should just be filmed in a closet for god’s sake.
Tee, Derrick, Cas and Joey go on the date, which is on a yacht. They all are so excited to be doing something that they’ve only seen in movies. Joey can’t even spell yacht, so there really is a lot happening.
Joey talks about how badly he feels for hooking up with Hannah last episode and Cas is like “It’s cool, you’re so great. You’re such a good person.” Cas puts a whole new meaning to cheap date. You can cheat on and betray this girl all you want, but give the bitch a ham sandwich and she’s happy. Kinda reminds me of that book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.”
I don’t remember the rest. Joey’s lisp made my ears start to ring.
THE TRUTH BOOTH
Ryan comes up and before they can start Michael is like “HEY BEFORE WE DO THE TRUTH BOOTH, WHO THINKS TYLER LIKES SHANNON?” Everyone looks around and I swear to god you can hear paint dry from a distance.
Real picture of Tyler pretending to be surprised:
Shannon is like “I’m sorry but like, I followed my heart.” We get it, you’re dumb.
Joey and Cas go to the Truth Booth, but then Ryan introduces the Truth Booth trade to everyone.
It’s a ballsy move, because it’s not confirmed that they are a no match. And if they are a no match, well that makes their odds of winning much, much greater. But this is why I’m not on the show, because I have a fucking brain.
But everyone else is stupid so they take the trade. Ugh, these people.
After the truth booth, Shannon is like “Wow, Derrick is actually really cool.” Like how much did producers have to pay you to say that? She’s practically cringing the whole time.
THE MATCH UP CEREMONY
The boys get to pick tonight. Also, has anyone else noticed it’s unfair they get 10 matchups and have 11 couples? Anyways.
Hayden and Carolina tell everyone they had sex because seriously nothing is sacred in this house. Gianna is like “THEY DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER. NO ONE LOVES HAYDEN LIKE I DO.” If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I would probably have more money than the $800,000 they might win.
Michael is up first and is sweating up a storm. He feels bad for not giving these girls enough attention and I feel bad for not getting his attention. Wtf dude is a catch.
He picks KARI and they think they are 100% a beam.
Ozzy’s up and now understands how fucked up he’s been his whole life. He’s going to repent for his sins on national television because that’s what all truly humble people do. He picks Gianna, basically pairing off the two annoying people and killing two birds with one stone. Thanks MTV!
Mike gets a 4 seconds of air time and picks Alicia. He said he learned a lot this season—mostly to stop being a fucking hoe. So again, thanks MTV!
Ryan tells them to kiss and Alicia looks like she legit might projectile vomit just thinking about touching Mike. Damn Ryan, back at it again with the forcing of physical contact.
Joey is like “I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.” And it’s like, we know, sweetheart. Shhhh, it’ll be okay. Again, he’s dressed like a 13-year-old. Did he just rob a fucking junior high Lost and Found before this show?
Joey picks Hannah, who hates Ozzy because she’s a strong independent woman 29% of the time. She’s like “I’m moving on!” and it’s like, well the show is over so…. Generally that’s how that works.
Ozvaldo and Taylor, who I don’t think would touch each other even if they were the last humans on earth.
Tee and Jaylan.
Tyler and Cas as a perfect match. Eeeeek I don’t feel good about that one.
Andre and Rushboobs. Could never see that literally ever. Rushboobs is like “I see how he treats the girl he actually likes, so this makes me proud.” Damn, that’s depressing.
Derrick is last and picks Shannon. They feel 100% confident and he gives her his Jesus necklace. Damn, we’re getting religious now. People give him a standing ovation like he just gave a fucking performance rather than take off a piece of jewelry and hand it to another human.
Welp, the power of Christ compels you I guess. As a Jew, I’m pretty confident this is not going to work out.
Ryan is like “is this 100%?” and Derrick is like “EVERYONE IS CONFIDENT!!!!” Um, I’m not and I’m the most important person that has anything to do with this show. I was not consulted in this decision and I take no responsibility.
They are down to the last three beams and remember, they switched them all up and Joey’s a trashman.
We’re waiting for the other beams… Still waiting…. Oh my fucking holy sweet Jesus
THEY DON’T GET THEM.
THEY ONLY GET 8 BEAMS.
THEY FUCKING LOSE. THEY FUCKING LOSE A GAME WHERE THEIR ONE JOB WAS TO FIND SOMEONE TO LIKE THEM.
I’M YELLING. I’M LAUGHING. I’M SHOOK. I’M 50 SHADES OF FUCKED UP RN.
Everyone storms off the stage or is crying or shocked and holy shit THE MAGIC OF TELEVISION, AMIRIGHT?
BUT WAIT, there’s more! A reunion special is up next. Holy shit it’s the gift that keeps on giving. Thanks MTV!
Sorry season 5, y’all a bunch of broke bitches. Off to recap the reunion and drown myself in red wine.