I know, the recap is late, yadda yadda. Add it to my fucking tab.
AFTER THE MATCH CEREMONY
This show should just be renamed to “Four Beams and a Bunch of Idiots.” I feel like that’s the honest route.
After getting another four fucking beams, Derrick’s like “it’s time to do relationship rehab!” which also sounds like every nightmare I’ve ever had.
They decide to air all their shit out in the open for the whole house, to which I retract my previous statement—that is my actual nightmare. I don’t need Gianna knowing my fuckin’ business.
Michael talks about how he loves his family and suddenly Rushboobs is like “wow, Michael exists.” Not sure how Michael is going to love a girl with the IQ equivalent to his shoe size, but I guess we’ll find out.
Jaylan says he uses humor to hide things. Which like, who does that!!?! *says the girl who anonymously writes for a humor site*
KARI is a workaholic. The whole house files that under “irrelevant information”.
Taylor’s up and she’s like “I’m in love with Andre and I’m also rich so I don’t really know what I’m doing here anymore.”
REGINA GEORGE/TAYLOR: Can I just say, we do not have a no-match problem in this house? And some of shouldn’t have to attend relationship rehab because some of us are just victims?
Gianna talks about how she is a clinger and acts like it’s shocking.
Hayden talks about how he has a new confidence from hooking up with Carolina because she is actually hot. Brain dead, but hot nonetheless.
They all leave, acting like they cured cancer but in reality they spoke to people they’ve already been living with for over a month. It’s the little things.
Rushboobs and Michael start talking and he’s like “I’m only me when I’m with you”. He literally sounds like a walking Taylor Swift song and it’s fucking vile. Bring back the dude that hates old people and throws girls by their ass into the sand. Make Michael Great Again!
Here’s the best game of the year—the girls’ exes are here!
THE BOYS: FUCK YES
THE GIRLS: *packing bags* this is over. It’s cancelled.
So, these exs are kind of hot, but also look like top-grade douchefaces. But really, what’s one without the other?
Hold up—5 are real exes and 5 are fake wannabe actors getting paid in pesos and shitty cocaine. Thanks MTV! Either way, that explains the hot ones.
The guys have to figure which ones are real exs are and which psychos they dated. Should be pretty easy, but they’ll inevitability fail I’m sure.
The first one dumped her because HE cheated and SHE called him a bitch. Um, if you cheated on me you would not have legs to walk across this sandy beach y’all are on. Buhbye now.
Also, that’s Tee’s ex. Girl, I pray for you.
Taylor’s ex, an uglier Shawn Booth, says that there was drama and tension between exes and friends because of her. Yeah, because you’re clearly not dramatic at all, going on a reality show to embarrass her. You’re CLEARLY the mature one.
The next dude is fake and irrelevant. Probably will hook up with Gianna. Moving on.
Cas’ ex says she argues about everything and thinks she knows everything. He tells the guys “good luck.” Wait, this is the girl who thought carpentry was putting in carpets—right? Also, to the boyfriend: Get a haircut, you fuckin’ chode.
The next bf is fake. Yawn.
Carolina’s ex cheated on her so she cheated back. The high road had some traffic on it that night, so Carolina did what she had to do.
Hannah’s bf said they had sex on the first night. Oh wow. Alert the fucking presses. Girl who signs up for a dating reality show on MTV puts out quickly. This the story the American people need, lame-stream media!
The boys have to match the number of the ex to the girls.
Hayden locks in first, Michael following up while making the genius observation, “these dudes are a bunch of fucking losers.”
Hayden picks Carolina, the hot girl who has enough self-esteem issues to want to date him. Michael picks Rushboobs, because homegirl has a giant mouth made for Honeycomb and his penis, in no particular order.
BACK AT THE CRIB
Joey makes Cas a date with cheap wine and a ham sandwich, proving that even poor people can be kind of cute. The whole thing is very food stamps-chic. I don’t know how I feel about them as a couple—I think I just have a certain mistrust of people who look like they shop at the dollar store.
Hannah is still talking to Ozzy, who is continuing to say sorry for being an asshole. Hannah is caving into his bullshit while Ozzy has little greencards in his eyes.
Gianna is upset that Hayden is actually playing the game with Carolina. She was under the impression that they were going to lie the whole time and never actually make any friends. How the fuck could he? Gianna starts crying while her man makes out with another, hotter girl. Tale as old as time.
For the date, they are off on a cable car. This ought to be fucking thrilling. We might as well name this thing “Rushboobs” because it’s really, really fucking slow.
Michael’s like “Rushboobs makes me feel like a bitch!” Yeah, that’s what talking to someone with nothing but hot air in their brain can do to you.
Michael starts talking about how his ex-girlfriend made him feel stupid and he’s really just a nice Jewish boy who wants to play with his dreidel and occasionally get his dick wet. Rushboobs is like “I feel like I’m seeing a whole new you”—which is such a snowflake thing to say. MAKE MICHAEL GREAT AGAIN!!
What do Hayden and Carolina have in common?
1. They have tongues
2. They use them on each other
In the smartest thing they’ve done all season, the house sends Carolina and Hayden to the truth booth. I don’t really think they are that compatible but I find an odd comfort in watching Gianna cry, so I’m rooting for them.
And lucky for everyone—THEY ARE A PERFECT MATCH Y’ALL.
Everyone is freaking the fuck out except Gianna who is silently crying in the corner. Now who will feed her grapes, massage her feet and tell her she is pretty every day? Will she even know that she’s pretty anymore?
Meanwhile the rest of the house is poppin’ bottles, celebrating the downfall of
Manhands Gianna and the (still small) possibility that they win some money.
Gianna is like “I thought Hayden and I were going to have a relationship after this” while Tee is like:
KARI and Tee start to get upset with Taylor and Andre for being connected by the asshole this whole game. As much as I love Taylor and Andre together and want them to name their first child after me (what?), they fasho are costing the whole house the game.
TAYLOR TO THE WORLD:
THE MATCH-UP CEREMONY
We catch up with Eddie and Kam, who are apparently happy? Idk how but whatever.
Carolina and Hayden start doing what they do best: not talking and sucking face. Well, this match ceremony got off to a porny start.
Derrick picks Shannon, which is like, fucking weird. Every time I hear Shannon speak I feel like I’ve Benjamin Buttoned and am back to watching Barney or some shit.
KARI and Little Mike match up.
Gianna and Andre. Poor Dre.
Next is Tyler and Hannah. Dude, these are some weird AF couples. I feel like they just drew names out of a hat and were like “fuck it, what could go wrong?”
Hannah says her heart is still with Ozzy—even if he’s trying to get inside Alicia. All’s fucking dumb in love and war, I guess. Ryan is like, “fuck, I cannot believe it’s season 5 and I still have to say this dumb shit to all you dipshits: You all win together, you all lose together.”
Osvaldo picks Taylor.
Ozzy picks Alicia.
Alicia is like “I never talk to Ozzy because he is so into Hannah”. She does have a point—they never talk. They just make out on the beach while her vagina hangs out like Wizard sleeve. VERY different.
Gianna points out to everyone that all of these no-matchers gave her and Hayden shit a few weeks ago and now the tables have turned. Disregard the fact that she’s still hoping they’ll be together later on. Just, yeah, overlook that part.
Carolina mumbles a sound that kind of sounds like a “thank you”? Idk someone needs to wain this girl off of her Ambien.
Hannah flips the fuck out and suddenly becomes a hood bitch. The fuck? Hannah, honey, this isn’t Rock of Love. I’m gonna need you to remove the hoop earrings and fuckin’ take a lap.
RYAN: Oh hell no, I did not leave the south side for this!
Ryan tells the no-matchers that they are being really fucking selfish, which, sorry y’all, but you kind of are. Don’t you love when I tell people all their flaws on the internet?
Hannah keeps yelling at Carolina, who can barely even stay awake, until Ryan is like SHUT YOUR DIRTY WHORE MOUTHS UP (paraphrase).
Hannah is still trying to argue this. Hannah has received a late-season nickname—Elsa. Girl, it’s about time you let it go.
Jaylan and Tee go next.
Joey and Cas match. For his next fancy date, Joey will make Cas mac and cheese that are in shape of SpongeBob characters and they’ll sip on Cooks Champagne like the couple of refined adults they are.
Also, Joey dresses like a 15-yea-old boy who robbed a Quiksilver. Someone give this kid some money, I beg of you! He’s been wearing the same shirt since sophomore year.
Rushboobs and Michael.
Even though these couples are random AF, there’s no blackout. They get five beams—which would be exciting if it wasn’t week eight.
I think what we all can learn from this is that we have a huuuge problem in this house and the best way to move forward bigly is to MAKE MICHAEL GREAT AGAIN.