Hello everyone. I would like to formally not apologize for missing last week’s recap—the episode was shit and we all know it. I think it’s our job, as viewers and over-confident recap writers, to hold MTV to a higher standard of television. Also I got drunk and forgot to send the email to the editors BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT.
Lucky for you I can make up for it in this hybrid recap—where I will casually mention things from last episode in this one as well. So for the cast members who hit me up on the ‘gram, chill the fuck out. You’ll get your turn on the recaps (except you Jaylan, sorry dude) *whispers* you ungrateful bastards.
In a not shocking turn of events—they got four matches again. I feel like I’m having déjà vu—but I also hit my head on a toilet seat the other night (the same night I forgot to send the email) and may be suffering from minor head trauma. #prayforme
Alicia confronts Hannah for calling her a whore at the match-up ceremony. *note from last week* this is all following Ozzy and Hannah being a confirmed no match and Alicia immediately trying to fuck Ozzy, in typical thot fashion.
As much as I want to agree with Hannah, because I hate Alicia, Hannah did the exact same shit when Alicia and Andre didn’t match…. But THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT!!!!
Alicia is like “I DID ONE THING WRONG AND EVERYONE IS MAD AT ME!” To that I say:
Everyone is watching while Alicia is both screaming and squatting at the same time. Fitness doesn’t rest, amiright? All the yelling really does wonders for her abs.
Alicia mentions her fucking punctuation every other word. “DO NOT. PERIOD. TALK TO ME. PERIOD. EVER. EXCLAMATION POINT. “ We get it Alicia, you know how construct sentences. Congrats on graduating the fourth grade, skank EXCLAMATION POINT.
Alicia: POINT BLANK, PERIOD!
Ozzy’s just here to get his dick wet and win a few thousand bucks to get his ass onto the mainland so he’s like, whatever.
Andre and Derrick are being gay for each other even though two weeks ago they were almost fist fighting, #tbt.
Andre basically tells Derrick and Taylor that he’s in love with Taylor and everyone collectively loses their fucking minds. Like, wow, love?!? What a fucking bizarre thought I mean, really? What is this—a dating show?!
TAYLOR: This is a lot to think about .
ALSO TAYLOR: I’M IN LOVE WITH ANDRE, POINT BLANK PERIOD.
The challenge is outdoors, it’s pouring rain and Tee’s weave is getting messed up. I haven’t seen this kind of terror since the Bowling Green Massacre.
This challenge tests what each person values most and they have to dig their prioirites out of the fucking mud and arrange them in order of importance. This is some Stanley Yelnats shit.
RYAN DEVLIN: And after you dig, you must carry Madam Zeroni up the mountain.
They all pair up. Hayden is suddenly into Carolina because the producers are def telling him to be and Ozzy goes with Alicia because he has a death wish.
Joey is just starting there to start a mud fight—he feels more at home when he’s covered in dirt, ya know?
Some other couples include KARI and Derrick and Michael and Hannah. Random enough. So random, IT JUST MIGHT WORK.
First place is Andre and Taylor with 5 matches. Love is real everyone, tell your friends.
Derrick and KARI get the second date. How many dates has KARI won? Like, has she even been in the house? And none for Hayden and Carolina, bye!
Ryan’s like “GREAT NEWS—we’re releasing you all from captivity for a night of unsafe binge drinking and exploitation from the television channel.” Aka a party.
They all freak out because they haven’t seen the real world in weeks. Are cars still a thing? Do people still walk on their two legs? To be discovered.
Let’s start out by saying that either Joey’s lisp or my minor head injury is making me dizzy. I think it’s the speech impediment.
They start pouring shots and the slutty dancing montage begins. I’m sure this is their parents’ favorite part.
Good ole’ Gianna is rubbing her giant man hands up and down Michael and it’s a little vomit-inducing. Meanwhile Hayden is chatting it up with Carolina, who is fucking hammered.
REAL PICTURE OF CAROLINA IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA:
Carolina is comparing her loyalty to her lovers to Hayden’s loyalty to Gianna… which like, is a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see how it works out for her.
Hayden gives props to Carolina for persevering through the bullshit that is his relationship/existence and decides to reward her with a makeout session. How fucking noble of him. That Hayden—he’s a giver!
Hayden has one makeout session and is suddenly captain macho, both regaining his balls and dignity for Gianna’s abnormally large grasp. I haven’t seen a transformation this amazing since Ysma turned Kuzco into a llama.
Gianna is like “WHAT THE FUCK. How dare Hayden look at another girl?” Carolina, watch your back.
Michael is like “I have a connection with Gianna” which is a weird way of saying “I will literally do or say anything to get some airtime.”
Scary masked men come to the party to steal Tiffany and Brittney Wilson from the fashion show and everyone starts dancing.
While Ozzy and Hannah are sitting in the corner saying “I love you” after two weeks, Alicia is plotting every possible way she can lure him into the trap she affectionately calls “her vagina”.
Meanwhile, Andre and Taylor are the first couple of the season to make out naked in the ocean! There is always one and we’ve waited all season for it. Good work, everyone! So can I stop writing these recaps now?
Alicia decides to literally let her bathing suit fall off her in order to convince Ozzy he “needs this ass”. So far, they seem to have a pretty genuine connection. I’m sure his mother is going to love her!
Ozzy tells Alicia she’s sexy and Hannah’s like “THIS IS ALL ALICIA’S FAULT!!!”
Hannah’s logic be like:
OZZY BEING AN ASSHOLE: Alicia’s fault
BEYONCE CANCELLING AT COACHELLA: Alicia’s fault
GLOBAL WARMING: Alicia’s fault
Ozzy and Alicia legit start making out while her coot coot is out. Groundbreaking stuff, y’all.
Michael is like, more than willing to help his homie Hannah fuck up Alicia’s nasty-ass makeout session and picks her up by the fucking vag and plops her onto the ocean. Get you a man who can talk about “values and genuine connections” one minute and then grab a girl by her vag the next. Our president would be so proud!
MICHAEL: I’m helpful. I care about people. I’m empathetic.
ALSO MICHAEL: I hated being an EMT because old people are the fucking worst. Like, why are they so old?
Hannah confronts Ozzy and is like “you’re a piece of shit.” FINALLY. Ozzy is like “my b. luv u tho!” Hannah tells him it’s over and that he needs to find some other dumb bitch to get his green card from. Womp womp.
The date is cliff diving and KARI is wearing wedges. Extra AF.
They are shocked that the cliff they are jumping off is high which is like saying “I’m shocked the ocean has waves.” Everyone jumps off instead of KARI.
KARI CONSIDERING JUMPING OFF THE CLIFF:
Derrick tries to go with her to a lower spot to jump and KARI’s like “stop trying to make cliff diving happen! It’s never going to happen!”
On the date, Taylor reveals that she has been cheated on in every relationship and Andre is like “NOPE, NOT MY STYLE.” Which is like, refreshing AF. They tell each other they love each other and I’m like, this is good. Too good.
This will end up badly, I just know it. Call it “reality show recapper intuition.” It’s very real. It’s like I have a sixth sense or something. My breasts can always tell when it’s raining AND WHEN BAD SHIT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
Wow, a second topless water makeout session? Andre and Taylor are the real stars of this show.
THE TRUTH BOOTH
Prior to getting to the truth booth, Ryan has to meet his quota of stirring the pot at least 3 times. If he gets two people to curse at each other he gets a bonus!
Hannah calls out Ozzy/Alicia and Ozzy’s like “I love Hannah.” Look, I know you’re foreign, but here in America that’s not love. And here in Trump’s America, you need to stay the fuck away from us.
Andre and Taylor go to the truth booth and I am stressed the fuck out. I haven’t had this much anxiety since the election and we all know how that worked out.
The cast gets offered the truth booth challenge because MTV is a bunch of donkey dicks.
Gianna is advocating for the money because of course she fucking is. If she can’t have love NO ONE CAN *she breaks Ryan’s neck using the force of her pinkies*
Tyler is like “ARE YOU DUMB?” Seriously, I want everyone to write me a letter and tell me if they are mentally ill. They need to find the matches first and then worry about the money.
Majority of the house goes with no trade and Ryan’s like “you passed on money for love”, which shit, when he says it like that, goes against everything I stand for.
I’m sweating. I’m freaking out. They look so happy but I just feel like….
Omg. It’s a NO MATCH.
My heart is in shambles. I’m feeling really dizzy and I don’t think it’s the head injury. Send help.
Taylor immediately goes into rage mode and is like I HATE ALL OF YOU. Lol same.
They both say they are not going to separate and everyone is like “WHY THO.” Hayden and Gianna are like “WHO TOLD THEM THIS IS OKAY! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.” Pot, meet Kettle.
Taylor and Andre are like “tell us where to go and we’ll like, go there I guess.” Idk. Everyone is like, “oh we’re so fucked.”
Ryan gently reminds the house that, indeed, they are so fucked.
Cas is up first and she picks Andre. He’s pretty much acting like she doesn’t exist while saying “I’m dating Taylor.” Rough life for little irrelevant Cas.
ANDRE TO CAS:
Alicia is like “I feel like I’m in the same boat as Cas.” Oh yeah, why don’t you take that boat back to your home on whore island?!
Ryan asks Ozzy about Hannah and how they are and he’s like “uh, uh, uh.” LOOK OZZY, we already have Joey on this show. We don’t need another speech impediment, mmkay?
OZZY: It’s been difficult for me to move on
RYAN: Yeah, two week relationships are hard like that
Ozzy and Alicia are together. Goodie.
Shannon and Tyler.
Taylor and Ozvaldo… wait what? They’re like “we’ve actually spoken once”. I’ve literally spoken to the barista at Starbucks more.
They have “no spark” which is code for “everyone knows Ozvaldo is gay.”
Ozvaldo remains the ultimate homie by saying he doesn’t want to fuck up Andre and Taylor’s thing—not like that was ever going to happen.
KARI and Derrick.
Rush Boobs and Joey.
Jaylan and Tee.
Hannah and Michael. Two giants taking on the world together.
Hannah is like “I don’t deserve this shit from Ozzy” and Ryan is like “you go girl.” Ryan is like, fasho a feminist.
Also, Michael looks like he could play the character of a random bouncer in a Law and Order SVU episode. Or the sex offender. Whatever.
Gianna picks Little Mike. Nothing makes Gianna’s dick harder than midgets.
Carolina and Hayden. Hayden says there may be potential and Caroline mumbles something into the distance.
Good news: No blackout. Bad news: 4 beams again
Remember when they were excited about four beams? #Tbt to week 3.
Ryan’s like “you guys are not doing this right” and it’s like WOW THANKS FOR THAT THRILLING INPUT. Kam encourages everyone to get sober and get to know each other, which like, why on earth would they do that?
Two things can happen next week—a miracle occurs and Jaylan gets 5 seconds of air time. OR they can continue to fuck this up.
Can’t wait to see more of you, Jaylan!