My guilty pleasure, Are You The One on MTV is back. Thank the fucking lord. All summer I just watched True Detective and Game of Thrones and shit was kinda heavy. Luckily, this fresh band of idiots and the show that is 95% aerial views of Kona should liven up the mood.
Ryan Devlin, the guy you only know from being on that one episode of the “Proud Family,” starts by explaining the rules (which I’m assuming you already know, get with the times, it’s fucking season 3). Basically, everyone on the show is a psycho and MTV has miraculously found them a counterpart. They each have to find their matches, so ten perfect couples, in order to win a million dollars for the group.
Everyone gets excited when they hear 1 million dollars but it’s like okay, 1,000,000 divided by 20 is not that much after taxes. It’s okay. Math is hard.
But this year, there is a twist. If they ever get a blackout (which means no matches, not the kind of blackout I’m going to have tonight), then the total prize goes down by $250,000.
Connor: “I think if my math is right, if we blackout 4 times the money is all gone” Very good Connor, you get a golden star.
So there are 10 boys and 10 girls and I’m not going to name them all because this is a fucking recap not IMDB. I’ll give you a gist. Connor, the genius mentioned from above, is this giant dude who could be really hot if you squinted and observed him from like a 47-degree angle.
They all go to a cocktail party where Rashida, the girl who only dates “douchebags” and “overly sensitive guys,” is incredibly sexually aggressive to literally everyone. She hooks up with Alec, the former fat guy now turned wannabe guido, and then gets mad at him for hooking up with another girl like 5 minutes later.
Basically we’re 11 minutes in to the show and I have already rolled my eyes so hard that I can see my fucking brain.
Chuck, who looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo if he was a beach bum, is hitting on Hannah, who is the relevant blonde girl. There is some other blonde chick here but idk her name and I don’t really care to find out.
Anyway, Hannah and Chuck decide in .4 seconds that they are a match. Chuck is kinda gross looking and just semi looks like the guy who would tattoo “no ragrets” on his chest. Scotty P, know what I’m sayin? Anyway, I think Hannah could do better.
The male stripper, Mike and Amanda, who Mike so originally nicknames “Freckles” have already decided that they are matches too. This is why no one wants to date you people, you know each other for 10 minutes and already wanna get married.
This also doubles for Kiki, who I have nicknamed “get a real fucking name girl,” and Devin, the yoga bro, who are automatically a thing and want to have babies and get married, blah blah blah.
Essentially this cocktail party/show is a destination meeting for a sex addicts club.
Here are some LEGIT quotes from the cocktail party:
“I would move for you. I would become a barista for you”- Mike to Amanda. Leave my coffee to the professionals, Magic Mike.
“I have been rejected, but not since my balls dropped.” –Devin, who will undoubtedly be rejected when he goes back into the real world.
“I have game by not having game.” –also Devin, who proves this to be true when he woos girls into like him by doing yoga with them.
THE FIRST GAME
The first game basically goes through everyone’s Facebook and find the ugliest picture and match it to the other person. The person who correctly answers who that fugly ass baby was wins a date. No way to get to know someone better than seeing their pictures from 2004-2009.
The boy winners are Hunter, the romantic hillbilly, and Mike, the male stripper.
The girl winners are Cheyenne, who seems moderately normal? IDK and Melanie, who again, also seems normal.
Cheyenne picks Chuck because she’s trying to make her parents hate her by being with a tattooed blonde, white guy.
Mike picks Hannah, which pisses off Freckles.
Melanie picks Devin, which makes Kiki flip the fuck out and actually say the words “back off bitch.”
And Hunter picks Kiki, because he clearly took a wrong turn while heading to the John Deere conference, ended up in Kona, and can’t detect that Kiki is fucking insane. Kiki acts super fucking excited, even though inside she’s secretly planning Melanie’s death.
They go to swim with dolphins and Cheyenne gets seasick, making Chuck go “well, she got ill on a boating trip, she’s not my match.” Apparently getting seasick is a fucking character flaw, who knew?
Kiki and Hunter talk about basic shit like how they both want a family someday and Hunter swears to god it’s a sign that they’re meant to be.
Hunter: She wants to have kids and a stable job one day, like we’re so in sync.
Meanwhile Kiki only gives a shit about Devin, who has now admitted that he cheats on every girlfriend ever. I guess all that meditation doesn’t change the fact that you’re still a shitty fucking person. He also only likes Kiki because she sounds like her favorite food, Kiwi. Coincidence? I think not. My favorite food is quesadillas, looks like I’m going to die alone.
The other housemates put Kiki and Hunter in the truth booth because they actually believed the Kiki was really excited to go on a date with him. Kiki starts crying and really doesn’t see herself with Hunter, making him really sad looking. He looks like a sad puppy. What do we do? Do we help him? Emotions are weird.
Anyway, Freckles is like wtf dude, you acted so pumped to date this guy but now you’re crying over this shit? Freckles has moved into position as my favorite person on this show.
Hunter and Kiki walk to the truth booth praying to God that they aren’t a match. Kiki really wants to be matched with Devin and Hunter hasn’t met anything this crazy since that one horse that bucked him off in 4H camp.
They go into the Truth Booth which looks like a straight out of Sci-Fi movie, but in actuality it’s a shed with LED lights and a computer that tells them something that they already know. They stand there nervously to find out what we already guessed: They’re not a fucking match.
THE MATCH CEREMONY THING
Everyone shows up all dressed up, ready to find their perfect match that they’ve known for 3 days. Should be riveting.
Hannah (relevant blonde) chooses Chuck, making them the poster couple for Billabong.
Rashida chooses Tyler, the beautiful chocolate man.
Freckles comes up and Ryan Devlin decides that now is a good time to stir up some shit. Ryan, you sneaky devil, you. He asks her about how she feels about how Kiki acted at the Truth Booth and Amanda/Freckles keeps it 100. She basically says Kiki is fucked up and fake AF.
Kiki starts yelling at her, telling her to shut the fuck up, etc and they step to each other like the whitest fight in the world is about to happen. I agree with Amanda tbh, but the real truth is that y’all bitches need Jesus.
Amanda chooses the male stripper Mike, which is good because she already fucked him the night before.
Melanie says she feels played by Devin but then is like fuck it, and chooses Devin anyway.
Ryan Devlin can’t let this moment pass and is like “Devin are you into both of these girls”, referring to crazy eyed Kiki in the corner, and he’s like “honestly bro, I have like 8 perfect matches, Namaste.” Then, like a beacon of drama starting light, Nelson (the other beautiful chocolate man) is like, NAHHHHHHHH.
Nelson: Bro, you told me like 5 minutes ago that you are trying to have a threesome with those two girls.
Devin: Sorry, what? Now move into downward dog.
Chelsea, idfk who that is, picks Connor, the giant.
Kiki, heartbroken after her 2-day romance with Devin turned out to be a bust gives a pity pick to a dude named Austin.
Stacey picks Alec, even though they basically hate each other already. How are these people so bad at like, co-existing with other humans?
Brittany, the irrelevant blonde, picks Hunter, who is just happy that he has an eligible suitor who isn’t his cousin.
Cheyenne picks Nelson, which no one cares about.
And Kayla and Zak are the last two left, unloved and uncared about.
TOTAL MATCHES: 2
Can’t wait to watch next week- it’s always nice to have a short break from thinking. Because we all know MTV shows are where you brain cells go to die.