Well friends, we’re back for the last Are You The One of the year! I thought the finale would be last week, what with how time works and everything, but I guess MTV skipped Halloween because they know their audience and figured everyone would be blacking out while dressed as slutty nuns. So that’s how we find ourselves here today! It’s been so long since the last episode I had to reread my last recap to remember what happened. Still funny.
Let’s do a brief recap here: Men are trash, the gang sucks at this game, everybody’s a drunk, and Nutsa and Brett are headed into the truth booth. So, shall we dive right in? I’m confident they will utterly f*ck this up on the edge of my seat waiting to see what will happen!
We pick up with Brett and his peach Nutsa as they head into the truth booth. Naturally they are nervous because they’re basically the last hope with a million dollars on the line. And they’re a perfect match! Congrats you two crazy kids, you finally got something right! I’m excited for you to have one night of celebratory passion and break up a week after returning home. Enjoy it while it lasts!
The crew starts chanting “Saucy Seven!” and did we agree this was what we were calling this season? Because I was thinking more of like “Sloshed Seven,” but sure. I’m gonna be super nice and let them have this one since they’re for sure about to lose a large chunk of change.
Lol okay guys it’s morning and Cali just casually strolls up to Andrew and asks him the most awkward af question.
Cali: Are you not a sexual person?
Andrew: I love sex. I have a red room of pain. I’m a dominant. Banana.
Me thinks thou doth protest too much. OMG this is so cringey. Y’all know when a guy says they’re into 50 Shades of Grey stuff that they got that from reading the book in their mom’s basement and have never had sex, right?
The guys are sitting around talking about who their perfect matches are. Zak says, “I think it’s for sure Morgan. Or if not it’s Cali. Or maybe that piece of cardboard over there. Who can say.”
With Zak still in the room, Cam speaks for all Americans and the majority of Martians when he says that if he was a girl he would never get in a relationship with Zak because he is the worst person to ever try to date. PREACH. Can some rich billionaire just pay Cam to follow Zak around and warn off every girl for the rest of his life? I’m sure it would be a tax write off because that’s charity for all the single women in the world.
The group decides to do a speed dating sesh because after like 10 weeks of living together they don’t know anything about each other. That’s what happens when you blackout every night dummies! Drink responsibly! Oh wait, they’re drinking now. Good luck remembering this sh*t when it comes time for the last matchup ceremony.
During Bria and Cam’s speed date she says God is really important to her. And Bria is really important to God. Because he really loves sending people to hell. Bria also tells Cam that she agrees with some of Trump’s policies and he immediately gets hard. Oh boy.
They have now come up with some sort of plan that I don’t understand, and frankly neither do they. Everyone is trying to pressure Sam into picking Lewis, but she’s standing by her sweaty man.
Asia knows that Sam won’t pick Lewis during the matching ceremony so she comes up with an evil plot. She wants to start a rumor that Daniel kissed Cali, forcing a huge fight and making Sam pick Lewis at the matching ceremony. TBH I love this. Asia has been kind of a bully this season but I admire scheming as much as the next girl.
Asia starts the rumor by running to innocent little Kayla and tells her that Danny kissed Cali at the party and of course Kayla is SCANDALIZED. And now they get perfectly sweet Moe involved, who valiantly volunteers as tribute to tell Sam. Damn, Asia knows what she is doing. These two adorable dummies were the perfect marks.
Moe pulls Sam aside and tells her that about the rumor going around and suggests she pick Lewis at the matchup ceremony. So wait, did he actually know about the evil plan? Because that wasn’t subtle.
And it’s already time for the matchup ceremony! But there’s still like 30 minutes left? Dear God how long will they make us wait between beams? The dudes show up looking dapper af. Kidding, they’re in ripped skinny jeans. I would like to say that the girls make up for it but Sam’s in a Victoria’s Secret bargain bucket bra, soooooooooo.
Papa T comes out and can barely contain his joy as he announces that this is the final matchup ceremony. Soon he can check out of the Motel 6 that MTV put him up in and return home to his quiet existence not dealing with this nonsense.
Papa T reminds us we already have the three “perfect” matches, Maria & Shamoy, Tevin & Kenya, and now Brett & Nutsa. And now it’s time to f*ck up eternally! Let’s do this.
Cali picks Andrew. Okurrrrrr.
Kayla picks Moe. I hope these two innocent sweethearts make it. I really do.
Morgan picks Zak. Papa T can’t help himself and asks our resident philanderer if he feels bad about what he put Morgan through. He says he does. Lol, K.
Sam gets called up. She says her heart is leading her to Daniel and his overactive sweat glands, but strategy is leading her to Lewis and his occasionally funny jokes. Even though she basically says the heart wants what it wants, she ends up picking Lewis. I guess the heart really wants MONEY.
Jasmine picks Daniel. She describes him as sweet and says he loves taking care of others, and she didn’t once mention how much he sweats so consider me a believer.
Lauren chooses Kwasi. She says she is (B)ad (B)ossy and (C)lassy so since she’s BBC she needs a dude with a BBC. I wish I were dead. Kenya’s face rn is all of us.
Kwasi likes Lauren because his mom is a teacher and so is she. I’M SORRY. A girl that just said she likes BBC on TV is teaching the youth of America. WE ARE DOOMED. This is even worse than when I see my teacher friends make grammatical errors on Facebook.
Asia picks Tomas.
Bria and Cam are the last two. Tevin appears v concerned and is whispering feverishly to Kenya. Dude. Same.
Papa T: Tevin and Kenya what do you think?
Tevin & Kenya:
And now it is time for the beams!! Prepare yourselves for 15 minutes of waiting for flood lights to turn on! God this is so stressful, my tummy hurts. The crew screams for the first beam like they just won the World Series for the first time in 108 years. You guys have no chill. Then they get five beams for the first time all season! I forgot how bad at this they were. Six beams! Seven beams! Papa T thinks they are all getting too excited. He uses his best monotone to convey that this don’t impress him much. Eight beams! Nine beams! Brett is so nervous he has Nutsa in a headlock. I have lived ten million lives since the ninth beam. Time is meaningless. Time is Jeremy Bearimy. What is HAPPENING. Ten beams! Eleven beams!
WHAT. This was definitely rigged but fine. Have your celebration with your confetti and your alcohol and your unprotected sex. I will be conducting a FULL investigation.
Lewis is as surprised as I am. YEAH LEWIS THAT’S BECAUSE BRIA THREATENED THE PRODUCERS.
Papa T is so proud of them, he’s not evicting them from the house immediately after the ceremony, which is what usually happens. He’s giving them one final night to “turn up” and “connect with their perfect match.” Oh they’ll be connecting all right, Terry.
They head back to the house and I am #blessed that I get to recap one final sh*tshow.
Daniel and Samantha waste no time and immediately bring their love into the confessional for us all to see, Cali and Andrew take their decidedly NOT 50 Shades-esque love making to the floor mattresses, and Maria finally breaks free of her perfect match prison to flirt with Kwasi on the ping pong table.
Later in the night, Lewis comes into the confessional to tell us all that he and Asia “enjoyed each other’s company.” They just “had a pillow fight.” LOL sure. Why does everyone on this show use euphemisms? We know you had sex. Roll the tape!
We make it to the morning and Zak and Morgan are having a tense conversation. Zak says that having Morgan be his perfect match makes him look like an ass. No sweetie, you make you look like an ass. He apologizes and says he ruined it. Don’t pretend you’re sorry Zak, we all know you’re just trying to get laid one last time before you leave.
Nutsa saying goodbye to her friends: “I love you and remember don’t say one more mean thing about yourself or I will come into your dreams and haunt you.”
Oh Nutsa. I’ll miss you most of all.
And that’s all, friends! I hope you all loved this season as much as I did! (what, did I seem like I didn’t or something?). I hope our gang enjoys their money, and that they remember the taxes are a b*tch!
Images: MTV (2); Giphy (4)